Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Brock Lesnar Vs. “Broken” Matt Hardy At UFC 200

3 Submitted by on Mon, 13 June 2016, 08:00
Las Vegas, NV – After days of speculation, rumors, and false reports, UFC officials have announced that WWE Superstar and former UFC champion Brock Lesnar will be taking on none other than Matt Hardy. UFC President Dana White unveiled the blockbuster match with both competitors at a press conference in Las Vegas. “We want UFC 200 to be the biggest Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Captain America Joins The NWO

13 Submitted by on Mon, 06 June 2016, 08:00
(Today’s Headlie was guest written by Paul Sebert. Thanks Paul!) New York, NY– Readers of the new “Captain America: Steve Rogers” were shocked by the comic’s ending which featured Captain America leg-dropping fellow superhero Jack Flagg before tearing off his costume to reveal a black and white NWO T-shirt before raising his hand in the air and uttering the “Too Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Gets Into The Dessert Business

10 Submitted by on Mon, 30 May 2016, 08:00
Bakersville, TN – TNA Impact Wrestling President Dixie Carter announced this morning that TNA will now be getting into the dessert and baked goods business. “These past few months have been awful stressful and I needed to take my mind off things,” said Carter from the kitchen of her new facility. “So I decided to start baking. It’s real relaxing Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rusev Replaces Rouseff As President Of Brazil

3 Submitted by on Mon, 23 May 2016, 08:00
Brasilia, Brazil – In an incredible turn of events that will have repercussions throughout the world, the people of Brazil have chosen WWE Superstar Rusev to replace their current president Dilma Rousseff. Rousseff’s ousting, after once boasting an 80% approval rating, came after impeachment hearings due to economic woes and government corruption. Brazil’s future was thrown into uncertainty after the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Enzo Amore Is “Lost In Seaside Heights”

4 Submitted by on Mon, 16 May 2016, 08:00
Seaside Heights, NJ – WWE Superstar Enzo Amore, who recently suffered a concussion at the hands of Simon Gotch of the Vaudevillians, has been missing for several weeks following his dismissal from his hospital. It is strongly believed that Amore has suffered an acute case of amnesia, forgetting his name and history in the WWE. Tips began flooding into Titan Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Virgil Buys TNA

7 Submitted by on Mon, 02 May 2016, 08:00
Pittsburgh, PA – TNA’s long-time search for a new buyer came to an end Monday when former WWE and WCW wrestler Virgil bought the company. Dixie Carter joined Virgil at an impromptu press conference in the back of Big Shot Bob’s House Of Wings to discuss the acquisition. “I’m proud of all the great wrestling we’ve put out over the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Losses Now Count As Wins” Declares Vince McMahon

13 Submitted by on Mon, 25 April 2016, 08:00
Hartford, CT – In the weekly pre-Raw staff meeting, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made a stunning announcement that will change sports entertainment forever. “WWE needs a new shot of adrenaline and I’m about to give it a lethal dose,” said McMahon, sporting a large green hat with a “10/6” note on it. “WWE used to be much more…muchier. It has Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Authority Accidentally Leaves Fandango Home Alone

8 Submitted by on Mon, 18 April 2016, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – A family vacation by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon was abruptly cut short when they released that they had accidentally left WWE Superstar Fandango home alone. The Authority, who were traveling to Disneyworld for some rest and relaxation, did not notice the missing Fandango when the extended McMahon family piled into Triple H’s minivan nor when they Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Doctors Studying Medicinal Benefits of Booty O’s

13 Submitted by on Mon, 11 April 2016, 08:00
Rochester, MN – Several doctors and scientists have been vigorously studying Booty O’s cereal to determine what medicinal effects they may have. Experiments on the official cereal of the WWE tag team champions The New Day began one week ago at the Mayo Clinic. Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, and Big E hand-delivered 500 boxes of the cereal in exchange for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Now King Of The Office After Correctly Predicting Wrestlemania

8 Submitted by on Mon, 04 April 2016, 08:00
Portland, OR – Lifetime wrestling fan and current Assistant Director of Communications got TechSprout Industries Andy Liu has dubbed himself the “King Of The Office” after correctly predicting the outcomes of every match at Wrestlemania 32. Liu confidently strode into his office at 8:30am, his head held higher than usual for a Monday morning. He took a large sip of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Stuck In Wrestlemania Traffic After Ring Cart Breaks Down

4 Submitted by on Sat, 02 April 2016, 08:00
Texarkana, TX – Multiple problems have plagued Vince McMahon’s journey to Wrestlemania, culminating in the breakdown of his motorized wrestling ring cart in eastern Texas. McMahon embarked for Dallas, Texas from his home in Greenwich Connecticut on Tuesday morning. Forgoing a plane ride, McMahon decided to tour the country by himself. The first problem McMahon ran into was a bout Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Zack Ryder’s Wrestlemania Match Just An Elaborate Episode Of Swerved

31 Submitted by on Mon, 28 March 2016, 08:00
Long Island, NY – WWE Superstar Zack Ryder’s appearance in a match at Wrestlemania has been revealed to be an elaborate episode of the WWE Network original show “Swerved”. The inclusion of Ryder in the Intercontinental Championship match surprised many longtime fans. While he has been appearing in NXT for the past several months, Ryder has not been included in Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wrestlemania 32 Attendance Number Leaks Early

7 Submitted by on Sat, 26 March 2016, 08:00
West Hollywood, CA – An official document promoting Wrestlemania 32’s record-setting attendance has leaked online despite the event not taking place for another week. Ryan Satin, Founder and Editor-In-Chief of ProWrestlingSheet.com, is reporting that WWE will be touting a new attendance record of “10 Cajillion people” at the event in Dallas. “It’s no secret that WWE has been pushing hard Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Roman Reigns’s Wrestlemania Entrance To Include Piggyback Ride From Vince McMahon

8 Submitted by on Mon, 21 March 2016, 08:00
Dallas, TX – With just mere weeks away until Wrestlemania 32, preparation has already begun for the extravagant entrance for Roman Reigns. WWE CEO Vince McMahon has personally been planning the entrance for months and commenced a walk-through at AT&T Stadium. “Alright, I want the F-15’s to fly over head right before Roman’s music hits,” said Vince McMahon, giving direction Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Sami Zayn To Appear At Wrestlemania As One Of Triple H’s Wenches

9 Submitted by on Mon, 14 March 2016, 08:00
Stamford, CT – After weeks of speculation, WWE officials have announced that NXT favorite Sami Zayn will indeed be a part of this year’s Wrestlemania. While many believed that Zayn would be taking on longtime rival Kevin Owens in Dallas, Vince McMahon and Triple H revealed their plans in a closed-door meeting. “Sami, we absolutely love what you’ve done down Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kevin Owens Sweatpants Now WWE’s Best-Selling Item

17 Submitted by on Mon, 07 March 2016, 08:00
  Youngstown, OH – In what was originally supposed to be a knock on his weight, the Official Kevin Owens sweatpants have become WWE’s best-selling merchandise item of all time. The sweatpants were designed by WWE television producer Kevin Dunn as a not-so-veiled shot as Owens’s body. While it is widely known that Vince McMahon prefers his wrestlers as very Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Shane McMahon To Lead Team TNA At Wrestlemania

16 Submitted by on Mon, 29 February 2016, 08:00
Nashville, TN – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling community, the newly-returned Shane McMahon revealed on Monday Night Raw that he will be leading Team TNA at Wrestlemania. The surprising announcement came in TNA’s own home town of Nashville, Tennessee. This marked the first time that the rival wrestling company has ever been mentioned on a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Chris Jericho Refuses To Put A Shirt On

7 Submitted by on Mon, 22 February 2016, 08:00
New York, NY – Going against several warnings from various members of the medical community, WWE Superstar Chris Jericho continues to not wear a shirt in public. Over the past few weeks, Jericho has been appearing on RAW and Smackdown in his trademark jacket, but without a shirt on underneath it. “I warned him about the dangerous of prolonged skin Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Sells Roman Reigns Valentine’s Day Cards

4 Submitted by on Mon, 15 February 2016, 08:00
Pensacola, FL – In honor of Valentine’s Day, WWE has released a series of Roman Reigns-themed Valentine’s Day cards. “When I think of love, I think of Roman Reigns,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “He’s just so strong and handsome. I mean look at those eyes! That smile! That long luxurious hair that can barely be tamed! Those huge, bulging Continue Reading...
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Headles: Georgia-Native AJ Styles Given “Evil Foreigner” Gimmick

18 Submitted by on Mon, 08 February 2016, 08:00
Seattle, WA – After much deliberation, WWE officials have decided to go a different route with newcomer AJ Styles’s character. The issue was discussed in a closed-door meeting with Vince McMahon. “This AJ Styles kid is really something,” said McMahon of the 38-year-old, “But who is he?” “Well, Vince, he’s wrestled all over the world with successful stints in both Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Heel Big Show vs. Face Big Show Set For Wrestlemania

32 Submitted by on Mon, 01 February 2016, 08:00
Birmingham, AL – WWE leadership has announced that the very first match announced will be a feud that has been brewing for over a decade. “This is going to be the biggest Wrestlemania ever,” boasted Vince McMahon to a throng of reporters.  “AT&T Stadium. Arlington, Texas. You know what they say about Texas, don’t you? They say ‘We’re 39th in Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Eric Rowan’s Beard A Surprise Entrant In The Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by on Mon, 25 January 2016, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Out of all the surprise entrants in last night’s Royal Rumble match, none were more surprising than Eric Rowan’s beard. The now-sentient beard entered the Rumble to a mixture of stunned silence and muted horror, quietly swishing back and forth down the aisle. The confused look on wrestlers’ faces showed that the beard’s appearance was not common knowledge Continue Reading...
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Headlies: James Storm Now Allowed To Grab Whatever He Wants Out Of The TNA Merch Closet

12 Submitted by on Mon, 18 January 2016, 08:00
Nashville, TN – James Storm’s return to TNA shocked the internet as many believed that his appearances at NXT events would lead to a full-time contract. Details have begun to emerge from Storm’s new contract with TNA including the surprising clause that was the difference maker in his decision. “It all comes down to numbers and being able to feed Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Nailz Reconnects With Vince McMahon In Prison

5 Submitted by on Mon, 11 January 2016, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – During his brief stay at a Brooklyn jail, WWE CEO Vince McMahon reconnected with a former employee that he has not seen in almost twenty years. McMahon, who was initially placed under arrest for assaulting an NYPD police officer, was placed into a holding cell with other arrestees. Acknowledging the unspoken rules of prison life, McMahon understood Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Young Bucks Host “Ringside With Jim Ross”

8 Submitted by on Mon, 04 January 2016, 08:00
San Antonio, TX – Beloved wrestling legend Jim Ross’s seminar this past weekend at the Alamo City Music Hall in San Antonio fell into chaos after an altercation with the event’s hosts, The Young Bucks The Young Bucks, a popular independent wrestling tag team consisting of brothers Matt and Nick, were greeted by the raucous crowd of mostly twenty-somethings with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wife Leaves Husband For Messing Up Enzo & Cass Catchphrase

4 Submitted by on Mon, 28 December 2015, 08:00
Brattleboro, VT – Diehard NXT fan Emily Walker-Tynes has decided to end her marriage with her husband Roland following his failure to accurately repeat Enzo Amore and Big Cass’s catchphrase. “After 17 years of marriage, this was the final straw,” said an irate Emily, packing up her WWE replica title belts. “You think you know someone and they just do Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dixie Carter Gives Santa Her Wishlist

6 Submitted by on Mon, 21 December 2015, 08:00
Dallas, TX – On December 20th, TNA President Dixie Carter went to the Galleria Dallas to meet her hero Santa Claus and give him her wishlist. A determined Carter power-walked through the mall, forgoing stops at her favorite stores Forever 21, Godiva, and Spencer’s Gifts to reach Santa. Unphased by the long line, Dixie shoved her way through the crowd Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TLC Inspires Fandango To Change His Character

6 Submitted by on Mon, 14 December 2015, 08:00
Boston, MA – Following the events of last night’s TLC, WWE Superstar Fandango has decided that he should change his character from a dancer to a table. Fandango, whose popularity peaked at the Raw after Wrestlemania 29, has fallen out of favor with the fans and has languished at the bottom of the card. Watching the TLC pay-per-view at home Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Declining WWE Ratings Tied To Lack Of Mike Adamle

12 Submitted by on Mon, 07 December 2015, 08:00
Hartford, CT – After several months, $2.3 million spent on research, and countless work-hours, WWE has discovered that their currently decline in ratings can be directly tied to the lack of Mike Adamle on their shows. Adamle, who once served as an interview, announcer and as Raw GM, was let go by the company in 2008. The ramifications of that firing Continue Reading...
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