Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: House Of Black Goes On The Market

1 Submitted by on Mon, 26 September 2022, 08:00
Amsterdam, Netherlands – AEW stable House Of Black have put their house up for sale. Following the departure of their leader Malakai Black and possible withdrawal of Buddy Matthews, the remaining members have decided to downsize. “It’s such a big space and it feels so empty without Malakai,” said Julia Hart. “Something smaller would be better for us.” “It may Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Brother Midnight Tops PWI 500

0 Submitted by on Mon, 19 September 2022, 08:00
Winnepeg, MB – The wrestling world was shocked this week when Pro Wrestling Illustrated released their top 500 wrestlers list with Brother Midnight taking the number one spot. The River City Wrestling legend, known for his style and jive-talking promos, beat out favorites Roman Reigns, Kazuchika Okada, CM Punk, and whoever is in Impact Wrestling. Although Midnight has not wrestled Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Launches Dynamite Underground

1 Submitted by on Mon, 12 September 2022, 08:00
  Jacksonville, FL – Building off the backstage altercations and drama, AEW has created their own fight club dubbed Dynamite Underground. Over the past few weeks, fights among the roster have spilled out into the public eye. Eddie Kingston and Sammy Guevarra had an altercation recently. Former Women’s champion Thunder Rosa has issues with both Britt Baker and Jamie Hayter. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Slight Breeze Busts Jon Moxley Open

0 Submitted by on Mon, 05 September 2022, 08:00
Chicago, IL – Former AEW Champion Jon Moxley was busted open early this morning after a gentle wind hit his face. The injury follows Moxley’s brutal battle with CM Punk for the AEW championship last night at All Out. The epic conflict saw the two former WWE stars giving it their all, leaving both competitors beaten and exhausted. The bodily Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Police Promise To Maybe Eventually Rescue The Miz

4 Submitted by on Mon, 29 August 2022, 08:00
Toronto, ON – Local authorities have vowed to rescue WWE Superstar The Miz as long as they don’t have anything else going on and if they feel like it. The former WWE Champion and star of Miz & Mrs was very obviously kidnapped this past Monday by Dexter Lumis. Despite thousands of eyewitnesses and the abduction being caught with multiple Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The F.B.I. Also Raids Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Home

1 Submitted by on Mon, 15 August 2022, 08:00
Palm Beach, FL – A historically bad week for former president Donald Trump got worse this past weekend after the Full-Blooded Italians also raided Mar-A-Lago. The F.B.I. ran through the expansive residence without much resistance from underpaid security or club members. Joined by Chuck Palumbo, and Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli, Nunzio led the group in ransacking the opulent home. Silverware Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Firefly Funhouse Puppet Let Go

5 Submitted by on Mon, 08 August 2022, 08:00
(Thanks to Ralph Archuletta for the suggestion!) Stamford, CT – After a successful Summer Slam, head of creative Triple H began to shape WWE to his liking. His first change involved the firing of Vince McMahon’s Firefly Funhouse puppet. Once a staple of Monday Night Raw, the McMahon marionette has not appeared on television since the firing of Bray Wyatt. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair Immediately Unretires After Being Paid In Global Force Gold

0 Submitted by on Mon, 01 August 2022, 08:00
  Nashville, TN – Ric Flair shocked the sports world this past Sunday by unretiring after his final match at Starrcast. Despite going out on a high note after teaming with his son-in-law Andrade El Idolo against Jeff Jarrett and Jay Lethal, Flair has vowed to continue. While some thought the lure of the ring would be the cause, Flair Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Spends First Day Of Retirement Wandering Around A Mall

3 Submitted by on Mon, 25 July 2022, 08:00
Stamford, CT – The now-former CEO of WWE Vince McMahon spent his first day of retirement walking around his local mall. At almost 77 years old, McMahon joined other seniors this past Saturday power-walking around Stamford Town Center. “Got to stay active,” McMahon told himself as he stepped out of his stretch limo. “Keep my mind sharp and my body Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rick Martel Challenges Max Dupri To A Walk-Off

3 Submitted by on Mon, 18 July 2022, 08:00
Orlando, FL – The wrestling and fashion world were ignited with excitement this past week when legendary wrestler Rick “The Model” Martel challenged Max Dupri to a walk-off. In recent weeks, Dupri has taken over Smackdown to show off his clients from Maximum Male Models. Clients Mace and Mansoor have strutted their stuff down the runway to the delight of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: New-Look MJF Spotted In The Rafters At Dynamite

0 Submitted by on Mon, 11 July 2022, 08:00
Rochester, NY – All Elite Wrestling star MJF was recently seen hanging out in the rafters of the Blue Cross Arena this past week at Dynamite. The unexpected appearance and startling new look has sent wrestling world into a frenzy. Although he has not been seen on AEW television since his foul-mouthed promo directed towards Tony Khan, eagle-eyed fans were Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Seth Rollins’s Fireworks Suit Goes Off With A Bang

0 Submitted by on Mon, 04 July 2022, 08:00
San Diego, CA – WWE celebrated America’s Independence Day in spectacular fashion when Seth Rollins wore a suit made entirely of fireworks. Rollins, known for his outlandish suits, went all out for the July 4th edition of Monday Night Raw. WWE’s most obnoxious Superstar was a regular Yankee Doodle Dandy at Raw. Rollins forced his misplaced patriotic fervor on all Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Shaq Returns Through The Forbidden Door

0 Submitted by on Mon, 27 June 2022, 08:00
Chicago, IL – Professional basketball star and former AEW participant Shaquille O’Neal made his surprise return last night when he walked through the literal Forbidden Door. O’Neal last appeared on AEW television in 2021 in a match against Cody Rhodes. The former AEW wrestler dove into the Hall Of Famer, sending both through a table. The star of Shazam was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Absolutely Nothing Happened This Week

1 Submitted by on Mon, 20 June 2022, 08:00
New York, NY – For the first time in recent memory, nothing of interest happened in the world of professional wrestling. Despite multiple live shows in various promotions, it was just a boring week.  Amazingly, the past seven days were totally unremarkable. No Superstars were unceremoniously released. There were no rumors of unhappy wrestlers threatening to jump to another company. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Cody Rhodes Learns US Healthcare System Is The Real “American Nightmare”

1 Submitted by on Mon, 13 June 2022, 08:00
Cheval, FL – WWE Superstar Cody Rhodes has learned the hard way that the true “American Nightmare” is the United States healthcare system. Rhodes, who competed in a five-star main event against Seth Rollins while injured, underwent surgery this past weekend on a torn pectoral muscle. The surgery was a complete success and Rhodes is at home resting comfortably. Despite Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Hook Loses Danhausen In A Game Of Blackjack

0 Submitted by on Mon, 30 May 2022, 08:00
Las Vegas, NV – After their match at Double Or Nothing, AEW star Hook gambled away his teammate Danhausen in a game of blackjack. The Diametrically Opposite Duo hit the blackjack table to celebrate their first pay-per-view match together. Or, more accurately, Hook went to play blackjack and Danhausen appeared from beneath the table. “Hit me. Hit me. Please hit Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Tony Khan Tries To Court Sasha Banks

1 Submitted by on Mon, 23 May 2022, 08:00
Boston, MA – AEW President Tony Khan attempted to win over WWE Superstar Sasha Banks after she walked out of this week’s Monday Night Raw. Wearing his best button-down shirt, pressed khaki shorts, and tie, Khan went over his plan. “Okay, Big T. You can do this,” Khan told himself. “You’re great. You’re wonderful. Everybody likes you. Giver her the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Darby Allin’s Spine Asks For Release From Darby Allin

0 Submitted by on Mon, 16 May 2022, 08:00
Seattle, WA – AEW star Darby Allin’s spine made a surprise request to be released from Darby Allin. Following his match with Jeff Hardy on Dynamite which saw him land back-first onto a row of chairs, Allin’s spine is calling it quits. Citing years of physical misuse and neglect, the complex system of bones, muscles, and nerves has reportedly had Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “The Wizard” Chris Jericho Found Guilty Of Witchcraft

0 Submitted by on Mon, 09 May 2022, 08:00
Salem, MA – AEW Superstar Chris Jericho was found guilty of practicing witchcraft during a trial this past weekend. Judge John Hathorne V, a direct descendent of one of the justices from the Salem witch trials, presided over the case. “Mr. Jericho, you have been accused of practicing witchcraft,” announced Hathorne with a bang of his gavel. “Your dabbling in Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Jacksonville Jaguars Select Bray Wyatt No. 1 Overall in 2022 NFL Draft

1 Submitted by on Mon, 02 May 2022, 08:00
Las Vegas, NV – The Jacksonville Jaguars shocked both the football and professional wrestling worlds Thursday night by selecting Bray Wyatt as the number 1 overall pick. The raucous crowd stood in silence as Wyatt spider-walked across the stage. Terrified, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell threw a Jaguars jersey at Wyatt and ran off stage. Shaking Shad Khan’s hand, Wyatt smiled Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Opens ‘Forbidden Door’ To IWA: Mid-South

2 Submitted by on Mon, 25 April 2022, 08:00
New Albany, IN – All Elite Wrestling has once again joined forces with another promotion for a joint pay-per-view. AEW president Tony Khan announced during a taping of AEW: Dark Elevation that his company would be joining forces with IWA: Mid-South. Formed in the mid-90’s by former ECW star Ian Rotten, IWA: Mid-South is best known as the early home Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Easter-Themed CYN Show Goes Off The Rails

1 Submitted by on Mon, 18 April 2022, 08:00
Nazareth, PA – Upstart wrestling company Control Your Narrative celebrated the Easter holiday weekend with a special event that managed to offend everyone. The event, dubbed “Easter Feaster”, took place in front of a capacity crowd of 49 people at the Nazareth Community Center Annex Room B. Fans expecting to see grappling and hard-fought victories were instead subjected to what Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Streaking Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz Banned From All MLB Stadiums

0 Submitted by on Mon, 11 April 2022, 08:00
Bronx, NY – Former wrestler Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz has received a lifetime ban from all Major League Baseball stadiums following an unfortunate Opening Day steaking incident. The gratuitous display occurred during the 8th inning of the New York Yankees – Boston Red Sox opener. Stripping down to an off-brand pair of underwear and cleats, Schwartz ran through the grass. Fans Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Iron Sheik Finally Makes It To Wrestlemania 38

1 Submitted by on Mon, 04 April 2022, 08:00
Dallas, TX – WWE Hall Of Famer fulfilled Bobby “The Brain” Heenan’s prediction this weekend by finally arriving at Wrestlemania 38. Eagle-eared fans fondly remember Heenan’s call from the Wrestlemania X-7 Gimmick Battle Royale. The Iron Sheik shuffled to the ring so slowly that Heenan stated, “By the time the Iron Sheik gets to the ring, it will be Wrestlemania Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wendy Choo Excited For (Yawn) Wrestlemania

2 Submitted by on Mon, 28 March 2022, 08:00
Queens, NY – NXT 2.0 favorite Wendy Choo is incredibly excited for Wrestlemania and has begun planning her watch party. Sporting a stupendous onesie and hugging a Roman Reigns body pillow, Choo expressed her overwhelming anticipation for the event. “Oh my gosh, you guys. I am so ready for Wrestlemania this weekend,” said Choo sleepily. “ My bunny slippers are Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Jenna Morasca To Induct Sharmell Into The WWE Hall Of Fame

5 Submitted by on Mon, 21 March 2022, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Early this morning, WWE announced that former Survivor contestant Jenna Morasca would be inducting Sharmell into the WWE Hall Of Fame. Many wrestling fans remember Morasca’s now-legendary bout with Sharmell at TNA’s Victory Road 2009. The match earned Wrestling Observer’s Worst Worked Match Of The Year award, a Minus Five Stars Rating from Figure Four’s Bryan Alvarez, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bron Breakker Receives His First-Week Evaluation

1 Submitted by on Mon, 14 March 2022, 08:00
Stamford, CT – Up-and-coming Superstar Bron Breakker met with WWE officials to discuss his main roster debut earlier this week. While most outsiders had positive things to say, WWE leadership was more critical. Seated at the far end of a long conference table, Breakker nervously listened to his evaluation. “We need you to smile more, Bron,” explained Stephanie McMahon. “Wave Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Tony Khan Buys Wrestlicious

1 Submitted by on Mon, 07 March 2022, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – AEW leader Tony Khan shocked the world this week with the purchase of beloved wrestling company Wrestlicious. Khan made the surprise announcement of the acquisition on this week’s episode of AEW: Dark Elevation. “Earlier this week I acquired Ring Of Honor, a company I’ve loved since I was a teenager,” said Khan to the sold out crowd Continue Reading...
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