Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Nikki Bella Unimpressed With John Cena’s Valentine’s Day Efforts

5 Submitted by on Mon, 12 February 2018, 08:00
Tampa, FL – Despite his best efforts, WWE Superstar John Cena was unable to impress his fiancé Nikki Bella during their Valentine’s Day celebration. Bella entered the palatial mansion owned by Cena and was met with a long trail of rose petals imported from Ecuador. She rolled her eyes as the petals crunched beneath her Skechers. The scent of Bella’s Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Roman Reigns Somehow Wins The Women’s Royal Rumble

6 Submitted by on Mon, 29 January 2018, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – In a shocking and bewildering turn of events, WWE Superstar Roman Reigns has become the first winner of the Women’s Royal Rumble. Defying all the odds and universally-accepted rules, the former WWE World Heavyweight Champion captured glory despite not competing in the match and, despite the suggestions of many fans, not being a woman. The women’s Rumble Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Officials Scramble To Find Guests For Raw 25

10 Submitted by on Mon, 22 January 2018, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – After a sudden outbreak of the flu affecting most of the guest stars set to appear at the Monday Night Raw 25th Anniversary, WWE officials have been working nonstop to find replacements. “Everybody is sick,” said Stephanie McMahon. “Stone Cold Steve Austin, Trish Stratus, JR, Ric Flair, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels. All of them bed-ridden and feverish and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Impact Wrestling Debuts No-Sided Ring

11 Submitted by on Mon, 15 January 2018, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Impact Wrestling shocked both fans and wrestlers this week by completely doing away with all sides of their wrestling ring. Initially, the company announced they were removing their iconic six-sided ring for a more traditional four-sided ring, but a second change was made late Friday night. In place of the traditional ropes, turnbuckles, and mat, wrestlers will Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dixie Carter Added To The Women’s Royal Rumble

5 Submitted by on Mon, 08 January 2018, 08:00
Memphis, TN – In a surprising move, WWE has announced that former head of TNA Wrestling Dixie Carter, will be entering the Women’s Royal Rumble. The shocking announcement stunned the audience and wrestling experts alike who were expecting this to be the introduction of MMA fighter Ronda Rousey. Stephanie McMahon, the defacto leader of the women’s division, introduced Carter on Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Caught Making Up Names While Talking About Wrestle Kingdom

7 Submitted by on Mon, 01 January 2018, 08:00
Shrewsbury, MA – During an extensive discussion of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s upcoming Wrestle Kingdom 12, it was revealed that longtime wrestling fan Jack Ames has been making up names and facts in order to sound like he knows what he’s talking about. At the weekly meeting of the Super Wrestling Friends Club at the Shrewsbury Buffalo Wild Wings location, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Cruiserweights Give Enzo Amore A Christmas He’ll Never Forget

1 Submitted by on Mon, 25 December 2017, 08:00
Hackensack, NJ – WWE’s Cruiserweights celebrated the holiday season together much to the chagrin of current Cruiserweight champion Enzo Amore. The stars of 205 Live played in the snow, ice skated, and enjoyed each other’s company. It made Amore sad. “Bah, humbug, yo,” said Amore starring out the window of his leopard-print covered apartment while all the other WWE Cruiserweights Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rob Van Dam Defends The WWE European Championship During Clash Of Champions

3 Submitted by on Mon, 18 December 2017, 08:00
Boston, MA – In a shocking and unexpected move, former WWE star Rob Van Dam defended his WWE European Championship during Clash of Champions. A proud Van Dam confidently strode out in front of the crowd, casually hitting his classic “R-V-D” pose! The crowd reaction was a mixture of surprise and confusion, but Van Dam took it in stride. As Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Local Independent Wrestler Hospitalized After Slapping His Thighs Too Much

1 Submitted by on Mon, 11 December 2017, 08:00
Nashua, NH – Independent wrestler Johnny Flipz was hospitalized this weekend due to self-inflicted wounds to his thighs. Flipz was competing in the triple-threat main event of New Hampshire Pro Wrestling Syndicate’s annual “Live Free Or Piledrive” event at Sununu Elementary School against “The Mad Millienial” Matt Milbury and Sgt. Biff Flagg when the injury occurred. “I knew something was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Luchador on Local Indie Show Looks Suspiciously Familiar

0 Submitted by on Mon, 04 December 2017, 08:00
(Today’s Headlie was written by Crapper Seth “Citizen Kane Dewey” Falvo. Thanks Seth!) Mena, AR – Despite being introduced as “a rising star in the underground Mexican wrestling scene” making a one-night only appearance in the United States, many fans in attendance for Saturday night’s Western Arkansas Championship Wrestling (WACW) event felt that promotional newcomer El Ganso Rojo, a luchador Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Impact Wrestling Loses Millions During Black Friday Sale

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 November 2017, 08:00
Toronto, Canada – While many North American companies reaped the benefits of having Black Friday sales, Impact Wrestling reportedly lost a staggering amount of money. Although a “breakdown in communications” is the company’s official excuse as to why they had such poor and confusing sales, a closed-door meeting among Anthem Sports executives shed light on a litany of issues plaguing Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman Invites The Gobbledy Gooker To Thanksgiving

3 Submitted by on Mon, 20 November 2017, 08:00
Houston, TX – After competing in the traditional 5-on-5 Survivor Series Elimination Match, Braun Strowman invited WWE legend the Gobbledy Gooker to Thanksgiving. Over the past few years, the two have struck up an unlikely friendship as the Gooker has taken Strowman under his wings in a mentoring role. “The difference between NXT and the main roster is huge, and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rusev Day Recognized As A National Holiday

3 Submitted by on Mon, 13 November 2017, 08:00
Washington, DC – In a shocking turn of events, Congress has voted unanimously to make Rusev Day a national holiday. Despite ongoing gridlock in the nation’s capital, both Republicans and Democrats came together to honor WWE Superstar Rusev. The bill moved quickly through both the House and the Senate after a massive groundswell of support for the holiday at the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bray Wyatt Tries To Return Items To A Halloween Store

3 Submitted by on Mon, 06 November 2017, 08:00
Zephyrhills, FL – WWE Superstar Bray Wyatt attempted to return Halloween decorations to his local Spirit Halloween store to no avail. Wyatt walked into the Spirit Halloween store and placed a box full of Halloween decorations and other assorted items on the counter. “Yes, ahem, I would like to return these items,” said Wyatt, squinting at the worker’s name tag. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Throws A Halloween Party

2 Submitted by on Mon, 30 October 2017, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has enlisted the help of several WWE Superstars to ensure that his Halloween party is the best ever. Wrestlers gathered in the entry foyer of McMahon’s mansion which had recently been transformed for a Halloween party. Cobwebs had been stretched across the massive double staircase, plastic skeletons dangled from the expensive chandelier, and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Tends To His Sick Wrestlers

10 Submitted by on Mon, 23 October 2017, 08:00
Minneapolis, MN – Matches for TLC were thrown in to chaos as both Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt came down with a viral illness. Always concerned with the welfare of his Superstars, WWE CEO Vince McMahon skipped TLC and tended to the sick wrestlers. As a precautionary measure, McMahon sent both wrestlers to Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis. Wearing a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Lance Storm Joins Dancing With The Stars

6 Submitted by on Mon, 16 October 2017, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – In a surprise move, former WWE, WCW, and ECW wrestler Lance Storm has joined the popular dancing competition Dancing With The Stars. Following the increased viewership from wrestling fans after WWE star Nikki Bella joined the cast, network executives requested that another wrestler be added. “Thanks to Nikki, we’ve reached a whole new audience that was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Young Bucks Try Out Some New Catchphrases

6 Submitted by on Mon, 09 October 2017, 08:00
Piscataway, NJ – Popular independent pro wrestling tag team The Young Bucks tried out a number of new catchphrases during their main event match this weekend to the delight of those in attendance. The team, which consists of real life brothers Matt and Nick Jackson, recently received a cease and desist letter from WWE for their usage of the famed Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Brings Back The Bunkhouse Stampede

3 Submitted by on Mon, 02 October 2017, 08:00
Uniondale, NY – After receiving a largely positive response for bringing back NWA/WCW’s event Starrcade, WWE has announced that they will also be bringing back the Bunkhouse Stampede. The Bunkhouse Stampede, which began in 1985, was a battle royal held by the NWA that often saw participants wearing cowboy boots and street clothes. Wrestling legend Dusty Rhodes won the event Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman and Brock Lesnar To Continue Their Feud With A Pie-Eating Contest

3 Submitted by on Mon, 25 September 2017, 08:00
Ontario, CA – Following last night’s brutal championship match at No Mercy, WWE Superstars Braun Strowman and Brock Lesnar have vowed to continue their feud. Strowman, living up to his “I’m not finished with you” mantra, issued another challenge to Lesnar directly after the conclusion of their match. “You’re not man enough to face me again, Lesnar!” barked Strowman. “Week Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Lost Rio De Janeiro IC Title Victory Discovered, Added to ‘Hidden Gems’ on WWE Network

4 Submitted by on Mon, 11 September 2017, 08:00
Stamford, CT – To the surprise of wrestling fans and historians worldwide, WWE has discovered long-lost film of Hall of Famer Pat Patterson’s Intercontinental Championship victory in Rio de Janeiro. The film puts to rest the long-standing belief that the event was fabricated. The incredible discovery was made by WWE archivist Julian Himmelfarb. “We recently acquired a box of old VHS Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Former Women’s Champion Hervina Added To Mae Young Classic

3 Submitted by on Mon, 04 September 2017, 08:00
Orlando, FL – A news conference at the WWE Performance Center revealed that WWE officials have brought a former champion to compete in the Mae Young Classic tournament. “Naturally, when you have a tournament with so many hard-hitting competitors wanting to win the grand prize, you’re going to get some injuries,” said Triple H. “Rather than some woman getting byes Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman To Star In New Romantic Comedy “I’m Not Finished With You”

3 Submitted by on Mon, 28 August 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – WWE Studios announced that their latest movie will feature WWE Superstar Braun Strowman in the lead role of their new romantic comedy, “I’m Not Finished With You”. Strowman, whose popularity has risen in recent months thanks to being portrayed as an unstoppable monster, will be taking on the role of Biff Strongman, a professional wrestler that is Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Baron Corbin Has Been Broken

3 Submitted by on Mon, 21 August 2017, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – WWE Superstar Baron Corbin has developed a new persona in light of recent events. Corbin, who has been acting strangely since losing failing to cash in his Money In The Bank contract on Smackdown, appeared at backstage sporting a new white streak in his suddenly bushy hair. “DELICIOUS!” exclaimed a wide-eyed Corbin while getting a meal at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Father Thrilled Baby’s First Words Are “Suck It”

2 Submitted by on Mon, 14 August 2017, 08:00
West Warwick, RI – On his Facebook page, 33-year-old Edmund Fox proclaimed his overwhelming pride that his 7-month-old daughter Regina’s first words were “Suck it!” Fox, the night shift assistant manager at Sam’s Food Store, was ecstatic when he heard his first-born uttering the famous catchphrase from his favorite tag team, D-Generation X. “At 8:07 am this morning, my sweet Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Deathmatch Resolved With Words, Not Violence

4 Submitted by on Mon, 07 August 2017, 08:00
Voorhees, NJ – The much-anticipated Deathmatch at CZW’s ” Once In A Lifetime” between Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita took a different turn than most experts expected. The crowd was at a fever pitch at the Flyers Skate Zone in Voorhees as “The Bulldozer” Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita were ready to engage in ultraviolence. With weapons in hand, both Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Moppy Revealed As James Ellsworth’s Mother

8 Submitted by on Mon, 31 July 2017, 08:00
Richmond, VA – In an emotional segment on Smackdown Live, WWE Attitude Era legend Moppy was revealed to be James Ellsworth’s mother. For weeks, Ellsworth has been seen taking secretive phone calls during the show. Many believed that it was Ellsworth’s new girlfriend from Canada that no one has ever seen, but totally exists and is going to make Carmella Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ken Patera Sent To Punjabi Prison

7 Submitted by on Mon, 24 July 2017, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia police announced Monday morning that they have arrested former wrestling star Ken Patera and placed him in Punjabi Prison. In a prepared statement, Philadelphia Police Captain Donald Carpenter said, “At 12:34am this morning, police responded to a break-in at a McDonald’s on North 52nd street. While no money was taken from the registers or the safe, Continue Reading...
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