Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Kevin Steen Repackaged As “Pierre Poutine”

3 Submitted by on Fri, 26 September 2014, 08:00
Montreal, Quebec – In what has become an increasing tradition for popular independent wrestlers who go to NXT, Kevin Steen’s character has been repackaged as proud French-Canadian “Pierre Poutine” Steen, who first made a name for himself in independent promotions such as Pro Wrestling Guerilla, CZW, and Ring of Honor, originally hails from Quebec, something WWE officials quickly latched on Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Tommy Wiseau Hired As New WWE Head Writer

6 Submitted by on Fri, 19 September 2014, 08:00
San Francisco, CA – In a surprising move, WWE has fired their head writers for both Raw and Smackdown and replaced them with enigmatic cult movie director Tommy Wiseau. Wiseau, best known as the writer, director, producer and lead actor in the 2003 movie The Room, was introduced to the company yesterday afternoon. “Tommy will be a natural fit here Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Bellas Receive Acting Lessons From The Miz’s Dad

6 Submitted by on Fri, 12 September 2014, 08:00
Baltimore, MD – The family feud between Brie and Nikki Bella has become a large part of WWE’s programming, but many backstage are not pleased with the Bellas’ performance. “To say that I am less than happy with the Bellas is an understatement,” said Stephanie McMahon. “I’m asking for white-hot rage they’re giving me a hissy fit. I expect a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: John Morrison’s Missing Charisma Found In WWE Warehouse

9 Submitted by on Fri, 29 August 2014, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – During a routine inventory check of past WWE memorabilia, WWE Archivist Ben Brown discovered former WWE Superstar John Morrison’s missing charisma. “It was just like any other day in the warehouse,” said Brown. “I had just finished cataloging Saba Simba’s headresses and spears and was about to move on to the urinal that Tommy Dreamer once drank Continue Reading...
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Headlies: John Cena Now Fluent In German After SummerSlam

13 Submitted by on Fri, 22 August 2014, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – Following his brutal Summerslam match against Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, WWE Superstar John Cena can now speak fluent German. Cena, suffering from what doctors call “Foreign Language Syndrome” has only been able to communicate via the German language, despite never speaking it previously. “Mr. Cena suffered a large amount of pain during Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Eva Marie To Take On A Paddle Ball At Summerslam

8 Submitted by on Fri, 15 August 2014, 08:00
San Jose, CA – WWE officials have added another match to the already stacked Summerslam card with WWE Diva Eva Marie versus a paddle ball. The blood feud began during filming for the upcoming season of Total Divas. The trouble brewing between Eva Marie and the paddle ball stems from a misunderstanding between the two over Fandango. Eva Marie has Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Signs The Ding Dongs To Multi-Year Contract

14 Submitted by on Fri, 08 August 2014, 08:00
Belleville, USA – TNA Impact Wrestling announced this past Thursday that they have signed WCW tag team legends The Ding Dongs to a multi-year contract. Despite the announcement that Spike TV will not be renewing their television deal, TNA has been forging ahead signing several wrestlers, including Zema Ion and Army veteran Chris Melendez. “TNA needs a real wake-up call. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Stephanie McMahon Participates In “Scared Straight” Program

5 Submitted by on Fri, 01 August 2014, 08:00
Miami, FL – WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon met with a group of at-risk girls at the Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center for the state’s “Scared Straight” program. McMahon, who was recently arrested for striking former WWE Diva Brie Bella, discussed prison life to the girls in a frank and blunt manner. “I don’t care who you are or Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bray Wyatt Promo Only Heard By Dogs

2 Submitted by on Fri, 25 July 2014, 08:00
Miami, FL – Following his loss to Chris Jericho at Battleground, Bray Wyatt directly addressed the crowd during Monday Night Raw. Unfortunately, Wyatt’s voice was so quiet that only dogs were able to hear it. Wyatt, famous for his unique promo style, tries to draw viewers in with by speaking softly and using a varied vocabulary. In recent weeks, his promos have Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Jim Cornette Slaps Santino For Breaking Character During Retirement Speech

10 Submitted by on Fri, 18 July 2014, 08:00
Louisville, KY – During a live event at Freedom Hall in Louisville, WWE Superstar and former Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella announced his retirement to the local crowd. Forgoing his usual Italian accent and comedic walk, Marella addressed the crowd in a serious manner, mentioning his various neck injuries. The heartfelt speech was interrupted by former WWE, NWA, TNA, ROH, and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: CM Punk Drops Surprise ‘Pipe Bomb’ During Money In The Bank

7 Submitted by on Fri, 11 July 2014, 08:00
Rosemont, IL – To the surprise of the wrestling world, CM Punk made an unexpected appearance two weeks ago, dropping a “pipe bomb” promo during the Money In The Bank pay-per-view special event. Punk, who abruptly left the WWE in January, was greeted by deafening chants of “CM Punk” by the crowd as he sat and looked straight ahead. He Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair recognized as 21-time world champion

6 Submitted by on Wed, 09 July 2014, 21:57
Ever since John Cena began his 15th world title reign after winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at June 29th’s Money in the Bank pay-per-view, the wrestling world has been abuzz with speculation that The Champ will surpass Ric Flair’s record in short order. Fortunately, traditionalists have no reason to fear Cena breaking Flair’s long-standing record of 16 world title Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Mojo Rawley Celebrates The Fourth of July

3 Submitted by on Fri, 04 July 2014, 08:00
Alexandria, VA – Current NXT Superstar Mojo Rawley celebrated the 4th of July in his typical “hyped” fashion. Rawley awoke at dawn and immediately said both the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star-Spangled Banner while staring unblinkingly at himself in the mirror. Satisfied, Rawley had his usual breakfast of orange juice, Jolt Cola, 5-Hour Energy, raw coffee beans, 2 cinnamon Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Mourns The Loss Of JTG

5 Submitted by on Fri, 20 June 2014, 08:00
Columbus, OH – WWE dedicated this week’s edition of Friday Night Smackdown in Columbus, Ohio to the memory of former WWE Superstar JTG. A number of wrestlers were released last week in an event many have dubbed “Black Thursday”. While some of the releasing were expected, the loss of JTG hit many by surprise. A candlelight memorial was held in JTG’s Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Finally Enforces Stipulation of Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy

5 Submitted by on Fri, 13 June 2014, 08:00
Miami, FL – After years of oversight, WWE officials have finally enforced the stipulation from the match between Team Johnny and Team Teddy from Wrestlemania XXVIII. The match pitted members of both Raw and Smackdown, each representing their respective General Managers. Team Teddy, representing Teddy Long, consisted of Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali and Booker Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Sheamus and Paige Open An Anti-Tanning Salon

11 Submitted by on Fri, 06 June 2014, 08:00
Norwich, England – Current WWE US Champion Sheamus and WWE Divas Champion Paige have teamed together to open the world’s first “Anti-Tanning” Salon. When asked why the two wrestlers decided to open a business, Sheamus said, “Fella, we’ve all seen what happens to some people once they leave the business. Think of this as an investment. I don’t want to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Corey Graves To Debut At Payback, Name Changed To CG Punk

11 Submitted by on Fri, 30 May 2014, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – Current NXT Superstar Corey Graves will be receiving the call up to the main WWE roster, making his debut this Sunday at the Payback pay-per-view in Chicago, Illinois. While the main essence of Graves’s NXT will remain the same, Triple H and WWE Creative has decided to make a few minor adjustments. The most noticeable is Continue Reading...
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Headlies: J-Tex Corporation Buys Stake In WWE

10 Submitted by on Fri, 23 May 2014, 08:00
Amarillo, TX – The J-Tex Corporation, also known as “Gary Hart International” announced today that they have purchased a stake in shares of World Wrestling Entertainment following the company’s catastrophic dive in the market last Friday. J-Tex Corporation was a WCW stable under the tutelage of the late Gary Hart that brought together wrestlers from both Texas and Japan. Hart’s Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fans Blame Batista For Daniel Bryan’s Injury

24 Submitted by on Fri, 16 May 2014, 08:00
Richmond, VA – WWE World Heavyweight champion Daniel Bryan shocked the wrestling world this past Monday by announcing on Raw that he had suffered a neck injury, requiring surgery. While no specific in-ring moment could be pinpointed as the cause of the injury, many wrestling fans immediately placed the blame on WWE Superstar Batista. “Bryan’s promo on Raw was a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Original Cena/Wyatt Ending To Involve Nikki Bella Proposing

12 Submitted by on Fri, 09 May 2014, 08:00
Scottsdale, AZ – The controversial ending to this past Sunday’s cage match between John Cena and Bray Wyatt was actually not the ending that had been planned. The finish, which involved a little boy singing to John Cena, causing him to be distracted, was thrown together after Cena nixed the original ending only minutes before Extreme Rules started. According to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Massive Search Party Underway To Find JoJo

20 Submitted by on Fri, 02 May 2014, 08:00
Toluca Lake, CA – WWE officials, superstars, and volunteers gathered in Toluca Lake, California to launch a large-scale search party to find missing Diva JoJo. “Listen up, ladies and gentle,” said Vince McMahon, his WWE windbreaker flapping in the breeze. “We have a missing Diva out there. She is 5 feet, 2 inches and probably wearing ugly stretch pants. She’s Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Authority Suspends The Shield, Asks For Their Weapons and Badges

7 Submitted by on Fri, 25 April 2014, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – Following the events of the past few weeks between The Shield and The Authority, Triple H called Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns into his office. “You three have gone too far this time!” shouted a red-faced Triple H, sweat dripping from his brow. “You know how much trouble you’ve caused? The damage to public Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Man Goes Bankrupt After Betting on Wrestlemania

15 Submitted by on Fri, 11 April 2014, 08:00
Silicon Valley, CA – Garret Dorsey, a 33 year-old app developer, officially declared bankruptcy following a series of poorly-made bets on the outcome of Wrestlemania matches. Dorsey, an avid wrestling fan and wearer of fedoras, had placed several high-wager bets through various gambling websites, each one a loser. After declaring bankruptcy, the bank foreclosed on Dorsey’s house and several companies Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Diehard Fans Excited To Ruin Wrestlemania

8 Submitted by on Sun, 06 April 2014, 13:00
New Orleans, LA – Members of the Facebook group “Yes! Yes! Yes!” are excited to be attending Wrestlemania XXX and even more excited to be ruining it for everyone else. The group of self-professed “smarks”, which boasts members spanning the entire United States, have been planning the event for months through phone calls, Google Hangouts, and Tout videos. Having collectively Continue Reading...
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Headlies: JTG Hoping He’s Not Picked For The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

11 Submitted by on Fri, 04 April 2014, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE held a meeting with all mid and lower-card Superstars to determine who would be entering the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania XXX this Sunday. Corporate Kane led the meeting stating, “I know in previous years that battle royals and drafts have been held with some fanfare, but unfortunately, it’s just not in the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Val Venis Ready For Wrestlemania XXX

10 Submitted by on Fri, 28 March 2014, 08:00
Wichita Falls, TX – Former WWE Superstar Val Venis has been traveling from Los Angeles to New Orleans under the assumption that he will be taking part in Wrestlemania XXX. “The Big Valbolski is locked, cocked, and ready to rock all the fine females in New Orleans,” said Venis as he hitchhiked to New Orleans down Route 82 in nothing Continue Reading...
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