Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Cena Fans Hijack NXT: Takeover

10 Submitted by on Mon, 24 August 2015, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY: In what has been labeled an “epic disaster” by WWE, irate John Cena fans ruined NXT: Takeover this past weekend in Brooklyn. The usually boisterous NXT crowd, known for their various chants and love of all things NXT, was nowhere to be found at the event. A rainbow of colored Cena shirts filled the crowd, replacing the usual Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Val Venis Returns To Manage The Submission Sorority

5 Submitted by on Mon, 10 August 2015, 08:00
  Las Vegas, NV – WWE officials announced today that they have rehired Attitude Era star Val Venis to manage the Submission Sorority. Venis joined WWE Divas Charlotte, Paige, and Becky Lynch, whose faction name was recently revealed to also belong to a pornographic website, at a press conference before Raw. “Heeeelllllllooooooo, Divas! ” said Venis, wearing only a towel. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Government Admits All Of Brian Kendrick’s Conspiracies True

2 Submitted by on Mon, 27 July 2015, 08:00
Washington, DC – In a stunning admission, President Obama admitted that every conspiracy theory believed by WWE trainer and wrestler Brian Kendrick is, in fact, true. Flanked by ranking members of the Armed Services and Pentagon officials, the President explained why the government was coming forward now. “My final term is coming up and I’m done being ‘No drama Obama’,” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE’s Raid Of NXT Almost Complete

5 Submitted by on Mon, 20 July 2015, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – Much like in the 1980’s, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has spent large amounts of time, effort, and money plucking the best wrestlers from NXT and bringing them to WWE. The raid of talent became most apparent this past Monday on Raw with the defection of NXT stars Charlotte, Sasha Banks, and Becky Lynch. According to the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Get Hurt By Brock Lesnar” Added To WWE Axxess

14 Submitted by on Mon, 13 July 2015, 09:25
  Arlington, TX – WWE officials have announced the latest edition to Wrestlemania Axxess  will be the “Get Hurt By Brock Lesnar” booth. On a conference call this afternoon, WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon and WWE Chief Revenue and Marketing Officer Michelle Wilson revealed details for the new installation. “Axxess, which takes place in the days leading up to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Replaces Michael Hayes With Heath Slater

5 Submitted by on Mon, 06 July 2015, 08:00
Badstreet, USA – WWE officials have officially announced that video, pictures, interviews, and mentions of Michael “P.S.” Hayes will now be replaced with WWE Superstar Heath Slater. In a conference call yesterday, WWE CEO Vince McMahon said, “In light of recent invents going on in the Southern United States, we feel that as a company it is time to move Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Announces All-Fan Edition of “King Of The Ring”

27 Submitted by on Mon, 29 June 2015, 08:00
Roanoke, VA – WWE officials announced yesterday that they will once again be resurrecting the King Of The Ring tournament this year. While the concept remains the same, this version of the King Of The Ring will showcase various WWE celebrity fans that the internet has grown to love and/or hate. “The WWE Universe is the greatest group of fans Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Resurrects “Silent Night, Bloody Night” Match

3 Submitted by on Mon, 22 June 2015, 08:00
Nashville, TN – On the heels of the King Of The Mountain match returning at Slammiversary, TNA officials have decided to also resurrect the “Silent Night, Bloody Night” match. Often labeled one of the worst gimmick matches in wrestling history, TNA’s lone “Silent Night, Bloody Night” match occurred in at a 2007 Christ Eve edition edition of Impact. The match, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: JBL Promoted To Lead Annoyer

7 Submitted by on Mon, 15 June 2015, 08:00
Cleveland, OH – WWE officials announced today that current commentator John “Bradshaw” Leyfield has been promoted to the position of Lead Annoyer for episodes of Monday Night Raw and pay-per-views. Layfield, better known by fans as JBL, wrestled for the company, amassing 24 championship title wins before settling into the commentator role in 2012. JBL’s persistence and tenacity was noticed Continue Reading...
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Headlies: CM Punk Submits Tough Enough Audition Tape

8 Submitted by on Mon, 08 June 2015, 08:00
Chicago, IL – At 11:53pm on Friday night, former WWE Superstar and World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk submitted his audition tape for the next season of Tough Enough. With just minutes to spare, Punk finished editing his audition tape, making sure to include his favorite songs by the band Rancid playing over his promo. Despite having quit the company over Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Cheex Returns To Save TNA

10 Submitted by on Mon, 01 June 2015, 08:00
Battleboro, NC – Dixie Carter and various TNA officials spoke at a news conference yesterday, revealing the return of a wrestler that they believe will help save the company. Reporters gathered inside a local Waffle House to hear the news. “Ya’ll, I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Dixie in regards to news that TNA is being canceled. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wrestling Companies Team Up, Release New T-Shirt

7 Submitted by on Mon, 18 May 2015, 08:00
Secret Lair, Atlantic Ocean – The leaders of most of the world’s professional wrestling organizations met in a secret monthly meeting this week to discuss business. the heads of wrestling’s major “families”: The McMahons from WWE, the Carters from TNA, Dorian Rolando of AAA, Paco Alonso of CMLL, Kaname Tezuka from New Japan, Super Dragon from Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, Joe Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Celebrates Mother’s Day

3 Submitted by on Mon, 11 May 2015, 08:00
Boca Vista, FL – This past Sunday, WWE aired a new special on the WWE Network celebrating Mother’s Day. The show, entitled “Happy Mother’s Day, Fools”, was hosted by WWE Hall of Famer and noted mother lover, Mr. T. Joining Mr. T was several well known WWE mothers including Brodus Clay’s mama, Shelton Benjamin’s mama, and former WCW tag-team champion, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: TNA Hires More 90’s Musicians

16 Submitted by on Mon, 04 May 2015, 08:00
Nashville, TN – Following the positive press response after signing Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins, TNA President Dixie Carter has gone on a spending spree signing various popular musicians from the 1990’s. Carter made the announcement during a press conference flanked by the newest members of TNA. “We here at TNA Impact Wrestling are pleased as punch to welcome Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kane and Seth Rollins Enter Couples Therapy

5 Submitted by on Mon, 27 April 2015, 08:00
Green Bay, WI – Current WWE champion Seth Rollins and WWE Director of Operations Kane have officially began couples therapy in a concerted effort to fix their struggling relationship. Trouble has been brewing among the two over the past few weeks, coming to a head this past Sunday night at Extreme Rules. At the behest of The Authority, both men Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Randy Orton Hits An RKO Out Of Somewhere

18 Submitted by on Mon, 20 April 2015, 08:00
Providence, RI – WWE Superstar Randy Orton stunned the Smackdown audience this week when he hit an RKO from out of somewhere. Orton, known for hitting his patented RKO finishing move from “out of nowhere”, was scene blatantly reaching underneath the ring apron. The “viper” carefully carried the RKO into the ring and promptly used it on Kane to win Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Brock Lesnar Accidentally Goes Into Brie Mode

8 Submitted by on Mon, 13 April 2015, 08:00
London, UK – Former WWE World Champion Brock Lesnar, known for his intense shocked the live audience on Monday night by accidentally going into “Brie Mode”. Brie Mode, while not in Webster’s dictionary, comes from WWE Diva Brie Bella’s raucous and sometimes destructive behavior while drinking and partying. During an in-ring promo with his advocate, Paul Heyman, Lesnar grabbed the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bray Wyatt Celebrates His Wrestlemania Streak

4 Submitted by on Mon, 06 April 2015, 08:00
Somewhere in the backwoods, FL – WWE Superstar Bray Wyatt celebrated the continuation of his Wrestlemania losing streak with the entire Wyatt family. “I want to thank all of my dearest and closest family for joining me on this momentous occasion,” said Wyatt beeming with pride. “You may remember last year when the legendary Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak ended. You may Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Goes Door-To-Door Apologizing For Wrestlemania

11 Submitted by on Mon, 30 March 2015, 08:00
San Francisco, CA – Following the events of Wrestlemania 31, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has begun a trip across the country apologizing. While Wrestlemania 31 was seen in a positive light overall, the usual detractors were extra vocal, particularly for the Roman Reigns-Brock Lesnar main event. The building criticism of the overall push and direction of the company has caused Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Announces All-Divas Edition of RAW

7 Submitted by on Mon, 16 March 2015, 08:00
Stamford, CT – In a closed-door meeting, Vince McMahon, Triple H, and Stephanie McMahon announced to the WWE Divas that an entire episode of RAW would be dedicated solely to them. “We’d like to thank all of you ladies for coming today,” started Stephanie. “Management understands that their has been grumbling amongst all of you about not getting enough air Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Original Friar Ferguson Character Sketches Discovered

9 Submitted by on Fri, 06 March 2015, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – WWE Archivist Benjamin Brown has announced the discovery of long-forgotten character designs for former WWF Superstar Friar Ferguson. “It really is quite remarkable,” said Brown. “Many fans will remember the short-lived ‘mad monk’ Friar Ferguson for his brown robe, Gregorian chant theme music, and sitting on his opponent’s face, but few know that this was not the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Samoa Joe Joins WWE as “Jimmy Jack Uso”

9 Submitted by on Fri, 27 February 2015, 08:00
San Francisco, CA – Contrary to reports that he has signed with ROH, WWE officials announced that they have signed former TNA star Samoa Joe and have already repackaged him. Joe, famous for his intense wrestling style and no-nonsense attitude, will be rechristened as Jimmy Jack Uso, the masked cousin of WWE tag team champions Jimmy and Jay Uso. WWE Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Town Marks Days Since John Cena Last Overcame The Odds

7 Submitted by on Fri, 20 February 2015, 08:00
Cena Vista, AZ – Local residents in the small Arizona border town of Cena Vista have been patiently marking the days since their hero, WWE Superstar John Cena, overcame the odds. Originally named Sierra Vista, the town unanimously voted to change their name to “Cena Vista” following Cena’s United States Championship win at Wrestlemania XX. Several of the town’s businesses Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Call The Bray Wyatt Hotline Now!

8 Submitted by on Fri, 13 February 2015, 08:00
Brooksville, FL – Bray Wyatt has launched his own 900 hotline where wrestling fans can hear from their favorite WWE Superstar. Much like WWE and WCW personality “Mean” Gene Okerlund’s hotline from the 1990’s, fans will be able to call the hotline to hear all about Bray Wyatt. While the main focus will be on news and upcoming matches, fans Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Brooklyn Brawler To Be Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

19 Submitted by on Fri, 06 February 2015, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – Following the announcement of “Macho Man” Randy Savage being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, longtime WWE wrestler Brooklyn Brawler was announced as the second inductee in the Class of 2015. “I’d like to congratulate Brawler on his many, many, many years of service to the WWE,” said Vince McMahon. “Since the 1980’s, Brooklyn Brawler has been Continue Reading...
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