Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Shaq Returns Through The Forbidden Door

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 June 2022, 08:00

Chicago, IL – Professional basketball star and former AEW participant Shaquille O’Neal made his surprise return last night when he walked through the literal Forbidden Door. O’Neal last appeared on AEW television in 2021 in a match against Cody Rhodes. The former AEW wrestler dove into the Hall Of Famer, sending both through a table. The star of Shazam was Continue Reading...

Headlies: Absolutely Nothing Happened This Week

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 June 2022, 08:00

New York, NY – For the first time in recent memory, nothing of interest happened in the world of professional wrestling. Despite multiple live shows in various promotions, it was just a boring week. Amazingly, the past seven days were totally unremarkable. No Superstars were unceremoniously released. There were no rumors of unhappy wrestlers threatening to jump to another company. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cody Rhodes Learns US Healthcare System Is The Real “American Nightmare”

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 June 2022, 08:00

Cheval, FL – WWE Superstar Cody Rhodes has learned the hard way that the true “American Nightmare” is the United States healthcare system. Rhodes, who competed in a five-star main event against Seth Rollins while injured, underwent surgery this past weekend on a torn pectoral muscle. The surgery was a complete success and Rhodes is at home resting comfortably. Despite Continue Reading...

Headlies: PPV Delayed After Keys Are Locked Inside Hell In A Cell

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 June 2022, 08:00

Rosemont, IL – Last night’s WWE “special event” was delayed for over two hoursl after the keys to the Hell In A Cell were accidentally locked inside the cell. After setting up the ring and lowering the steel structure, two referees locked the cell door. All appeared to be well, until they stopped halfway up the ramp. Dread swept over Continue Reading...

Headlies: Hook Loses Danhausen In A Game Of Blackjack

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 May 2022, 08:00

Las Vegas, NV – After their match at Double Or Nothing, AEW star Hook gambled away his teammate Danhausen in a game of blackjack. The Diametrically Opposite Duo hit the blackjack table to celebrate their first pay-per-view match together. Or, more accurately, Hook went to play blackjack and Danhausen appeared from beneath the table. “Hit me. Hit me. Please hit Continue Reading...

Headlies: Tony Khan Tries To Court Sasha Banks

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 May 2022, 08:00

Boston, MA – AEW President Tony Khan attempted to win over WWE Superstar Sasha Banks after she walked out of this week’s Monday Night Raw. Wearing his best button-down shirt, pressed khaki shorts, and tie, Khan went over his plan. “Okay, Big T. You can do this,” Khan told himself. “You’re great. You’re wonderful. Everybody likes you. Giver her the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Darby Allin’s Spine Asks For Release From Darby Allin

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 May 2022, 08:00

Seattle, WA – AEW star Darby Allin’s spine made a surprise request to be released from Darby Allin. Following his match with Jeff Hardy on Dynamite which saw him land back-first onto a row of chairs, Allin’s spine is calling it quits. Citing years of physical misuse and neglect, the complex system of bones, muscles, and nerves has reportedly had Continue Reading...

Headlies: “The Wizard” Chris Jericho Found Guilty Of Witchcraft

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 May 2022, 08:00

Salem, MA – AEW Superstar Chris Jericho was found guilty of practicing witchcraft during a trial this past weekend. Judge John Hathorne V, a direct descendent of one of the justices from the Salem witch trials, presided over the case. “Mr. Jericho, you have been accused of practicing witchcraft,” announced Hathorne with a bang of his gavel. “Your dabbling in Continue Reading...

Headlies: Jacksonville Jaguars Select Bray Wyatt No. 1 Overall in 2022 NFL Draft

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 May 2022, 08:00

Las Vegas, NV – The Jacksonville Jaguars shocked both the football and professional wrestling worlds Thursday night by selecting Bray Wyatt as the number 1 overall pick. The raucous crowd stood in silence as Wyatt spider-walked across the stage. Terrified, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell threw a Jaguars jersey at Wyatt and ran off stage. Shaking Shad Khan’s hand, Wyatt smiled Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Opens ‘Forbidden Door’ To IWA: Mid-South

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 April 2022, 08:00

New Albany, IN – All Elite Wrestling has once again joined forces with another promotion for a joint pay-per-view. AEW president Tony Khan announced during a taping of AEW: Dark Elevation that his company would be joining forces with IWA: Mid-South. Formed in the mid-90’s by former ECW star Ian Rotten, IWA: Mid-South is best known as the early home Continue Reading...

Headlies: Easter-Themed CYN Show Goes Off The Rails

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 April 2022, 08:00

Nazareth, PA – Upstart wrestling company Control Your Narrative celebrated the Easter holiday weekend with a special event that managed to offend everyone. The event, dubbed “Easter Feaster”, took place in front of a capacity crowd of 49 people at the Nazareth Community Center Annex Room B. Fans expecting to see grappling and hard-fought victories were instead subjected to what Continue Reading...

Headlies: Streaking Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz Banned From All MLB Stadiums

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 April 2022, 08:00

Bronx, NY – Former wrestler Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz has received a lifetime ban from all Major League Baseball stadiums following an unfortunate Opening Day steaking incident. The gratuitous display occurred during the 8th inning of the New York Yankees – Boston Red Sox opener. Stripping down to an off-brand pair of underwear and cleats, Schwartz ran through the grass. Fans Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Iron Sheik Finally Makes It To Wrestlemania 38

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 April 2022, 08:00

Dallas, TX – WWE Hall Of Famer fulfilled Bobby “The Brain” Heenan’s prediction this weekend by finally arriving at Wrestlemania 38. Eagle-eared fans fondly remember Heenan’s call from the Wrestlemania X-7 Gimmick Battle Royale. The Iron Sheik shuffled to the ring so slowly that Heenan stated, “By the time the Iron Sheik gets to the ring, it will be Wrestlemania Continue Reading...

Headlies: Wendy Choo Excited For (Yawn) Wrestlemania

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 March 2022, 08:00

Queens, NY – NXT 2.0 favorite Wendy Choo is incredibly excited for Wrestlemania and has begun planning her watch party. Sporting a stupendous onesie and hugging a Roman Reigns body pillow, Choo expressed her overwhelming anticipation for the event. “Oh my gosh, you guys. I am so ready for Wrestlemania this weekend,” said Choo sleepily. “ My bunny slippers are Continue Reading...

Headlies: Jenna Morasca To Induct Sharmell Into The WWE Hall Of Fame

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 March 2022, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Early this morning, WWE announced that former Survivor contestant Jenna Morasca would be inducting Sharmell into the WWE Hall Of Fame. Many wrestling fans remember Morasca’s now-legendary bout with Sharmell at TNA’s Victory Road 2009. The match earned Wrestling Observer’s Worst Worked Match Of The Year award, a Minus Five Stars Rating from Figure Four’s Bryan Alvarez, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bron Breakker Receives His First-Week Evaluation

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 March 2022, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Up-and-coming Superstar Bron Breakker met with WWE officials to discuss his main roster debut earlier this week. While most outsiders had positive things to say, WWE leadership was more critical. Seated at the far end of a long conference table, Breakker nervously listened to his evaluation. “We need you to smile more, Bron,” explained Stephanie McMahon. “Wave Continue Reading...

Headlies: Tony Khan Buys Wrestlicious

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 March 2022, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – AEW leader Tony Khan shocked the world this week with the purchase of beloved wrestling company Wrestlicious. Khan made the surprise announcement of the acquisition on this week’s episode of AEW: Dark Elevation. “Earlier this week I acquired Ring Of Honor, a company I’ve loved since I was a teenager,” said Khan to the sold out crowd Continue Reading...

Headlies: Faulty GPS Continues To Delay Veer’s Raw Debut

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 February 2022, 08:00

Columbus, OH – WWE Superstar Veer’s Monday Night Raw debut has been delayed once again thanks to a broken GPS. Weeks of video packages have hyped Veer’s premiere, but the wrestler has yet to make an appearance on Raw. Many have speculated this was due to injury or a lack of creative vision for Veer. Unfortunately, the reasoning was much Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cody And Brandi Go Chair Shopping For Triple H

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 February 2022, 08:00

Atlanta, GA – Wrestling stars Cody and Brandi Rhodes spent their weekend visiting various furniture stores in search of a new chair for Triple H. Following their surprise departure from AEW, many are speculating that the duo is heading back to WWE. Those suspicions were seemingly confirmed after the couple were spotted shopping for what some are calling ‘an apology Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Launches Khali Kissing Booth For Valentine’s Day

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 February 2022, 08:00

Indianapolis, IN – WWE has announced the return of The Great Khali for a special Valentine’s Day edition of Monday Night Raw. The “Punjabi Playboy” will be stationed at a special “Kissing Booth” at the Gainbridge Fieldhouse. For a small fee, fans will actually be able to lay a smackeroo smackdown on the WWE Hall Of Famer. “Nothing says ‘love’ Continue Reading...

Headlies: Shane McMahon Will Jump Off Of Things For Food

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 February 2022, 08:00

Norwalk, CT – Seemingly confirming rumors of his departure from WWE, Shane McMahon was seen wandering around southern Connecticut, carrying out daredevil-style antics in exchange for food. Amateur video uploaded to Youtube have shown the younger McMahon jumping off bus stop enclosures, store awnings, and roofs. “I’ve seen some crazy stuff in New Haven, especially late at night. I’ve never Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Three Faces Of Johnny Knoxville Enter The Royal Rumble

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 31 January 2022, 08:00

St. Louis, MO – Beloved stuntman and actor Johnny Knoxville surprised the WWE Universe by entering the Royal Rumble not once, not twice, but three times. With the Rumble in full swing, Knoxville’s Hollywood actor persona entered at number 5. Hollywood Johnny, sporting black hair and sunglasses, sauntered to the ring. Soaking in the adulation from the St. Louis crowd, Continue Reading...

Headlies: List Of Alternative Names For Walter Leaked

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 January 2022, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Fans were in an uproar this week when NXT fan-favorite Walter’s name was inexplicably being changed to Gunther. The anger was quickly magnified after it was revealed that WWE filed a trademark for the name “Gunther Stark”, a name shared by a Nazi U-boat commander. To ease the bad press, a member of the creative team Continue Reading...

Headlies: Mickie James Already Fired, Rehired

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 January 2022, 08:00

Tulsa, OK – Despite announcing her return for the Royal Rumble, Impact Knockout Champion Mickie James has already been fired and rehired by WWE. The shocking, but unsurprising see-saw decision has been felt throughout the wrestling community. The mercurial decisions started early this morning. “That Mickie, she thinks she’s so fine,” muttered McMahon when seeing James at the BOK Center. Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Hi, I’m Mr. Brell. Welcome to Jockass!”

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 January 2022, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – The wrestling and media world were shocked today by the resurrection of the World Television Network, the miraculous return of head executive Tom Brell, and the announcement of the station’s new flagship show Jockass. “’Jockass’ is the future of television” stated Brell proudly in a press conference earlier today. “Equal parts professional wrestling and dummies hurting each Continue Reading...

Headlies: Julia Hart Falls Off The Face Of The Earth

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 January 2022, 08:00

Cambridge, MN – After a long and thorough investigation, AEW officials have determined that Julia Hart has fallen completely off the face of the earth. The bubbly cheerleader has not been seen on television since she was blinded by Malakai Black’s black mist. Despite a few scheduled tweets, the Varsity Blonds valet has not been heard from in weeks. “We’ve Continue Reading...

Headlies: Yule Log Destroys Raw And Dynamite In The Ratings

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 December 2021, 08:00

New York, NY – The revelation that the Yule log absolutely obliterated both Monday Night Raw and Wednesday Night Dynamite shocked the wrestling world and absolutely no one else. Despite running for 24 hours the entire week, ratings remained high, soundly defeating both wrestling programs. “The traditional burning log has been a Christmas-time television staple for years. It’s a built-in Continue Reading...

Headlies: Hook Named Time’s Person Of The Year

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 December 2021, 08:00

Massapequa, NY – In a stunning reversal, Time Magazine has replaced Elon Musk as their Person Of The Year with AEW wrestler Hook. Last week, controversial Tesla and SpaceX head Elon Musk, was named Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year. Following several days of bad publicity, Time’s editorial board reconvened to consider a replacement. After several seconds of discussion, the Continue Reading...

Headlies: MJF Receives Traditional Long Island Welcome Home

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 December 2021, 08:00

Long Island, NY – Hated AEW mainstay MJF returned home on this past week’s Dynamite and received a traditional Long Island welcome. The local people greeted MJF as he descended the stairs from his private jet at Long Island MacArthur Airport. MJF was met with open arms and extended middle fingers, as is to be expected by anyone entering Long Continue Reading...

Headlies: Brandi Rhodes Goes To ‘Extreme’ Lengths To Remove Cody’s Neck Tattoo

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 December 2021, 08:00

Atlanta, GA – Former Nightmare Collective leader Brandi Rhodes is resorting to extreme measures to remove the large tattoo on her husband Cody’s neck. The shocking plan was accidentally revealed backstage after Cody and Andrade El Idolo’s fiery Street Fight finish last week. While many saw the fight as unnecessary and a vain attempt at Cody trying to appeal to Continue Reading...