Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson on Hannah Montana

This week’s induction comes at the request of reader Chad A, who this week suggested inducting The Rock’s 2007 appearance on Hannah Montana.

Dwayne Johnson and Miley Cyrus actually have a lot of common — both are mega-stars who eclipsed their family members’ fame within mere months of getting on TV.

In fact, this episode has arguably three such stars who stepped out of their family’s shadows: Miley Cyrus, Dwayne Johnson, and Haley Joel Osment’s sister.

While this is my first time watching the show, I do know the gist of it. The plot revolves around Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus, who have to maintain their family secret:

They’ve taken in an teenage streetwalker.

Also, Miley is pop star Hannah Montana.

On this episode, “Don’t Stop ’Til You Get The Phone”, Miley is dissatisfied with her O-Phone after just one month. Now, she just *has* to get the new Z-Phone with a few extra features.

If the writer knew anything about Apple, he’d have the new model *lose* features for no reason. (Yes, I’m still bitter about the old Macbook mic jack)

Anyway, Billy Ray says no.

Miley then finds out her vapid Hollywood friend has, in addition to an unbearably irritating voice, a Z-Phone. Not even the fact that it’s just a BlackBerry can dissuade her now.

But Billy Ray still says no.

So when a paparazzo captures “Hannah Montana” throttling a hooker…

…Miley realizes she can sell her own bad photos to a tabloid, then use the money for her new phone.

But wouldn’t that make her no better than that sleazy, disgusting photographer?

Not a problem, says Miley. “I’m disgusting!”

I bet you expected me to post that photo of her twerking on Robin Thicke. Grow up! Everyone makes mistakes.

You should have expected me to post an unrelated photo of Veer Mahaan.

Miley sells an ugly photo of “Hannah Montana”…

…but realizes too late that she was wearing a necklace with her real name on it.

If she can’t get the photo back, her secret identity will be revealed. But the editor won’t give it back.

Desperate, she offers to trade her Hannah Montana photo for an embarrassing photo of The Rock…

…whom the tabloid editor calls, “one of the world’s most popular movie stars”.

That was a gross exaggeration then (You didn’t see George Clooney slumming it on the Disney Channel, did you?)…

…but amazingly it actually came true for many years, up until Black Adam.

Meanwhile in the B-plot…

…Miley’s brother gets sunburned after ignoring Dad’s advice to use sunscreen.

When it’s time to watch some Tennessee football with Billy Ray, he covers his sunburned skin with blue body paint to keep it a secret.

Blue is the Tennessee football color, you see.

If it seems like I’m saying “Tennessee football” a lot, it’s because, for legal reasons, that’s all anyone on this show calls the Titans.

Billy Ray makes his son struggle to keep up the charade before admitting he knows he’s sunburned. Still, the blue paint just proves Jackson’s a bigger Tennessee football fan than his dad —

— What kind of fan blacks out the team’s name on his jersey?

Billy Ray suggests an enema for some reason…

…then a milk bath.

This eventually attracts some cat friends, who Jackson hopes aren’t lactose intolerant. (They are)

Back in the A-plot…

Miley and Lilly disguise themselves as estheticians and sneak into The Rock’s hotel…

…just in time to see another photographer try to snap an embarrassing pie-face photo. If he really wanted to create a scandal, he’d catch Rock with a mouth full of strudel. Remember strudel?

Instead, intimidated by The Rock, he pies himself. That’s P-I-E-S, pies himself.

That’s when Miley and Lilly step in and promise Rock a whole skin care treatment. And, Lilly assures him, she doesn’t like pie.

Good thing this show wasn’t written by that Nickelodeon guy, or I’d swear this was intentional.

It’s frankly scary how thin Rock looks here — small compared to his Attitude Era build…

…and microscopic compared to the Dwayne Johnson of today.

But on this day, WWE’s Toguro is in a good mood, so he lets the girls in.

Once inside, they tell the People’s Champ to keep his eyes closed for the whole treatment…

…during which time they put acrylics on his nails…

…makeup on his face…

…earrings on his ears…

…and a wig on his head.

The girls then snap a photo of the Rock and run off.

But then Miley has a pang of guilt.

She undoes The Rock’s makeover and gives him the picture back.

In turn, The Rock teaches her two important lessons that solve her phone dilemma and her photo dilemma, respectively:

Possessions are fleeting —

— and sometimes, violence is the answer.

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