After a montage of last week’s events, WWF Raw opens with its theme music and intro video for the first time in weeks. Too much Dawn, and not enough Dial! It’s time for WWF Raw.
X-Pac defends his European title against D-Lo Brown, accompanied by Chyna and Mark Henry respectively. Once again, Chyna is served with legal papers, although Jerry Lawler thinks it may be a love letter. Mark Henry’s primping, preening, and kissy-faces at Chyna don’t contradict Lawler’s idea.
D-Lo misses the Lo Down, then gets up-close and personal with X-Pac’s crotch; it’s the first time the announcers call it the Bronco Buster, perhaps to assure viewers that this is an actual wrestling move. Mark Henry pulls X-Pac out of the ring, however, then slams his back into the ring post. Brown takes advantage, hitting the Lo Down on X-Pac’s back and pinning him to regain the European title. I don’t remember this title change at all, which should tell you how long Brown’s reign is going to last.
As Ross and Lawler discuss this WWF Raw’s scheduled events, that Sable fan appears behind them.
Via a live satellite feed from his hospital bed, Vince McMahon indignantly refuses a nurse’s grape juice, demanding apple juice instead.
Earlier today, the Oddities and the Insane Clown Posse played touch football.
The Headbangers make an unscheduled appearance in the ring, greeting referee Jimmy Korderas with a snot rocket. The Bangers challenge the Insane Clown Posse, turning away the Oddities and demanding the ICP themselves. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J (real name Guy Fieri) reluctantly agree, stepping into the ring while the Oddities head to the back. The clowns (Shaggy and Violent J) take a one-sided beating from the Headbangers that includes several unprotected chair shots to the head. “ICP” laughs Thrasher. “You suck!” Jerry Lawler takes the opportunity to mention his recent dust-up with Jim Carrey.
Last night on Heat, Stone Cold destroyed an important cable backstage (intentionally this time) to cut off the feed from Vince’s hospital. What will he do tonight?
Tonight’s WWF Raw is sponsored by hair growth drug Propecia. It’s the first prescription medication to advertise on WWF Raw, despite millions of dollars of free publicity for Viagra. Viagra: Keeping Marc Mero’s tank full since 1997.
A lengthy replay airs of last week’s McMahon-Taker-Kane segment. The following day, we’re told, Vince McMahon checked himself out of the hospital, only to check himself back into the hospital/medical facility yesterday. The location of this hospital, like the location of this WWF Raw, is not specified.
In the hospital room, the nurse tells Vince that a really big man wants to see him. McMahon says he doesn’t want “any damn visitors” (“That’s it young man, no bible stories for you tonight!”), but he gets one anyway. It’s Mankind, who was allowed into the hospital with a leather mask. Foley gifts Vince some chocolate and some “female entertainment”: Yurple, the clown. Also visiting is Mr. Socko, a crudely made sock puppet that will ultimately allow Foley to avoid taking dangerous every night (though about ten years too late). As with the grape juice, Vince doesn’t appreciate Mr. Socko’s kiss to his broken leg.
This Sunday, Sable guest-stars on Pacific Blue in an episode that couldn’t possibly be as fan service-y as the preview suggests.
While Jerry Lawler fantasizes about being a warden at a women’s prison, Sable comes to ringside for guest commentary. The match pits Marc Mero (with Jacqueline) against Vader. Sable says she wants Jacqueline’s Women’s title while admitting that she never claimed to be or wanted to be a wrestler. She must have taken one look at Jackie’s still-invisible belt and decided she just had to have it.
Vader controls the match except when Jacqueline interferes, but Mero kicks out of a splash. Jackie then jumps off the top rope onto Vader, who catches her in a roundabout way. Though Vader lets Jacqueline go, Mero shows less mercy, punching him in the groin and beating him with “Marvelosity”.
Jacqueline then calls out Sable, but when she steps into the ring, Marc cuts her off and says she was bad at sex. This leads Sable to slap Marc before she herself is blindsided by Jackie. The Women’s Champion (Take our word for it) then pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts some of Sable’s extensions. As a public school teacher, I’ve seen much worse; at least she used scissors! “Sable has been defrocked”, notes King incorrectly.
In another vignette for Steven Regal, the real man’s man squeezes his own orange juice and drinks it, pulp and all. This is a very juice-heavy WWF Raw.
Thirty seconds later, a commercial airs for the Dodge Durango where the effete narrator points out his own “manly flannel shirt”. But where does his orange juice come from?
Edge faces Owen Hart in a rematch of their bout at WWF Breakdown (which was not advertised). The announcers update us on the young man seen with Gangrel in recent days: his name is Christian, and he’s Edge’s younger brother.
Owen Hart, who last night put up a half-hearted effort against X-Pac last night, arrives in street clothes. Hart apologizes to Dan Severn and walks away from the ring in tears. Lawler calls Owen a wuss, and Edge wins via forfeit.
The 10-10-321 WWF Rewind is last week’s Zamboni ride.
When WWF Raw returns, Michael Cole gets a word with Owen Hart, who says “I’m done” while rolling his luggage out of the arena.
Ken Shamrock faces Kane, whose turnbuckle pyro works this week. Jim Ross notes that Shamrock has started being booed by WWF fans, which he calls a “transformation”. I’ve noticed it, too: instead of hating the hated Rock, Ken now hates the popular Rock.
Kane counters a huracanrana with a powerbomb and wears down Shamrock. During the match, Jim Ross comments on Kane and Undertaker’s rivalry, wherein neither man proved to be “more superior than the other”. Lawler, on the other hand, wants Vince McMahon to fire Steve Foley [sic].
Eventually, The Undertaker walks to ringside. Shamrock takes down Kane with a huracanrana, successfully this time, but Kane soon recovers and ascends the ropes. Shamrock takes a swing at the Undertaker, who shakes the top rope in the process. Kane gets dropped on his big red machine, allowing Shamrock to superplex him, pin him, and prove he’s more superior than him. Undertaker, on the other hand, walks away without trying to rectify his oopsie.
Backstage, Val Venis tells Terri he found her wedding ring in her genitalia.
“If sex were fast food”, says Lawler of Terri and Val, “they’d have arches over their heads”. Well put, Jerry. Before his match with Gangrel, Venis makes a pun about Magic Johnson (not the best subject for sex jokes, all in all).
Gangrel and Christian arrive in matching puffy shirts. Gangrel takes a swig of the red liquid, leading Ross to inquire about “gothic lifestyles”. Shortly into the bout, Edge hops the railing, confronts his brother, and gets DDTed by Gangrel. As the gothic lifestyle practitioners put the boots to Edge, Val Venis wins by countout.
Gangrel and Christian walk away, no-selling the loss, while Val and Terri grope each other in celebration. The party ends, however, when Goldust’s long-time usher (and future professional ass-buffer) delivers a gold envelope. Goldust himself speaks over the PA, inviting Venis to his world premiere. Essentially, this feud boils down to competing wings of the film industry.
Back in the hospital, Vince yells at the nurse and demands another one.
Al Snow faces Jeff Jarrett, who arrives without Southern Justice or a guitar. When the two men brawl on the outside of the ring, Commissioner Slaughter has a word with the referee, allowing the match to continue without a countout finish. Snow jumps off a chair onto Jarrett, then tries to sneak up on Slaughter. However, Jarrett picks up the chair and hits Snow in the back. Meanwhile, Lawler wonders what “Old Cold Stone” will do later tonight on WWF Raw; I assume this is the King making fun of Mike Tyson’s misnomer for the former WWF champ.
Al Snow swings Head at Jarrett, who ducks it. Good thing, too, or else Snow would have been disqualified for Head’s interference. Instead, Snow mounts the ropes but gets crotched when Slaughter shakes the ropes. This draws a disqualification in Al Snow’s favor.
The Road Dogg is out next, wearing both tag title belts, and carrying a blow-up doll as a substitute for Billy Gunn, who is having issues with DX. This raises questions about the New Age Outlaws. A lot of questions. Road Dogg (or Road Dog, as the chyron reads), faces Mark Henry, who, according to the papers served earlier tonight, is suing Chyna for sexual harassment. Lawler worries that he and Ross will have to testify for four hours like Bill Clinton.
D-Lo trips Road Dogg, setting Dogg up for a leg drop by Henry. Chyna then lays out D-Lo, then argues with the referee. the distraction allows X-Pac to hit his facebuster on Mark Henry. Road Dogg pins Henry for the victory. Incensed, Mark grabs a chair and runs up the aisle.
Back at the hospital, Vince asks for some more juice. Will he get it? Will it be apple? Find out when WWF Raw returns.
Extensive replays air from last week’s WWF Raw. We’re then back to McMahon in the hospital bed, where his blood pressure reading is normal. The nurse says it looks fine and asks the doctor his opinion. Little does Vince know, but the “doctor” is Steve Austin. When did he get his medical degree? Austin punches out the prone McMahon, tearing out his tubes, pounding his broken leg, hitting him with a bed pan, shocking him with a defibrillator, and finally shoving an enema tube up his rectum.
After the break, the entire beatdown is replayed, minus the enema.
The Rock takes on The Undertaker in tonight’s main event. D-Lo and Mark Henry, The Rock’s former Nation cohorts, initially come to ringside but leave once Kane shows up. The announcers wonder whether Kane is there to help or to hurt Taker, considering the ending of Kane’s match tonight. As promised, the match proceeds without commercial interruption.
Upon Undertaker’s second attempt at Old School, The Rock pulls him to the mat. He likewise slips out of a tombstone attempt and hits the People’s Elbow, but Taker pops right back up. An errant Irish whip sends Taker into the referee; the two wrestlers join the official on the mat with a double-down clothesline spot. Kane grabs a chair and, when Taker is whipped to the ropes, whacks his brother in the back with it. The Rock hits his eponymous Bottom but, thanks to the ref bump, can’t secure the pinfall. Taker then sits up, tombstones Rocky onto Kane’s chair, and pins his opponent.
Final tally:
Bill Clinton references: 1