The Kiss My Ass Club induction is a long time coming — one of the most ridiculous, tasteless, yet highest-profile story lines in wrestling history. Had WrestleCrap not temporarily shut down in 2001, this angle would have been a top contender for that year’s Gooker Award.
In short, a billionaire chairman used to pull down his pants and make his employees kiss his bare butt, while a crowd of thousands and a TV audience of millions looked on. It just so happened to be on a wrestling show, but it’s impossible to rationalize in any context.
And yet, year after year, perhaps too intimidated to flesh out this gimmick’s bottomless absurdity, we at WrestleCrap let this subject slip through the cracks. So before I use up all my ass jokes in the introduction, let’s get to it.
The Kiss My Ass Club: Origins
The story began the night after Survivor Series 2001, where the WWF vanquished the Alliance of WCW and ECW.
Vince McMahon now ruled the entire wrestling business, and he was going to flex his muscles (in a manner of speaking). His first order of business? To announce the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, which one Alliance member could join to earn a job in the WWF.
Fans, not yet understanding what this club actually entailed, chanted for the popular Rob Van Dam.
But Vince then explained that the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club was exactly what it sounded like: Someone from WCW or ECW was going to literally kiss the WWF boss’s buttocks on live television.
Oh God, it was going to be Stephanie, wasn’t it?
In fact, it was William Regal. McMahon, in classic Vince fashion, asked the former Alliance commissioner whether he’d been “practicing puckering” in the “locker room area”. We could only hope McMahon wouldn’t shout, “What a maneuver!” during the act itself.
Regal offered to do all sorts of typical favors, like fetching coffee or carrying bags, that would fall under the umbrella of “ass-kissing”. McMahon wasn’t having it — the Federation chairman had too much pride not to drop trou for the camera and have an underling press lips to his ass.
Besides, if Regal didn’t do it, there was a whole line of Alliance guys backstage willing to take his place. Mercifully for the superstars involved, this ass-kissing queue was never shown on TV.
So Regal agreed, and Vince stripped down piece by piece, from his jacket…
…to his briefs, maximizing the anticipation like the showman that he was.
“It’s a nice-looking ass!” bragged Vince. “And watch, I can even make my ass do tricks. Watch this.”
Any normal person would be embarrassed — I mean, those tricks were lame! But Vince was pleased with himself.
Not only was he proud of his ass, he was protective of it, too, making Regal apply ChapStick before the proceedings.
Finally, Vince McMahon bent over as sexily as he could, his eyes nearly popping out of their sockets in delight.
While Jerry Lawler squealed, Jim Ross maintained his professionalism as a broadcast journalist. “What if he passes gas?” Ross asked.
At last, Regal gave Vince a peck on the cheek (His butt cheek, that is. He wasn’t kissing his face, he was kissing his ass)
“This is the greatest moment in the history of the WWF!” declared Jerry Lawler. I don’t think Tony Schiavone, for all his hyperbole, could ever top that statement.
Lawler took special pleasure in the slow-motion replay of one man kissing another man’s bare ass. It seems in his eight months away from the WWF, King was a changed man!
II. Steve Austin
Of course, Vince McMahon wasn’t through. After he’d shown his ass once, he had to do it again and again. And of course, there would be no protest from Jerry Lawler, who declared it the greatest thing he’d ever seen in his life.
Having a man kiss his ass felt so good, Vince would make Stone Cold Steve Austin do it in the main event slot.
But when they got down to business, there was a look of concern on the (ass) kisser.
For one thing, Austin didn’t find Vince’s striptease erotic. He couldn’t look at McMahon’s Slammy routine the same way again, that’s for sure.
Austin instead punched the boss in the grapefruits…
…then whipped his pale butt with a belt.
Was this WWF or NWA?
Now it was JR’s turn to laugh, which drew his boss’s ire.
Sure enough, McMahon had Ross dragged into the ring to join the Kiss My Ass Club.
Luckily, The Undertaker arrived to interrupt the induction. Needing to know if the act was consensual, he asked JR whether he wanted to kiss Vince’s ass. “Hell no!” said Ross.
This inexplicably offended The Undertaker, who thought JR meant he was better than the Dead Man. The Undertaker had kissed Vince McMahon’s ass over and over again (figuratively) (figuratively???), and now Jim Ross was going to do it, too.
Frankly, the blame falls on JR, who should have anticipated this months ago when he saw his home state on the Raw schedule.
“Vince, drop your pants!” said the American Bad Ass. “Pucker up, bitch!” he said to Ross before putting his cowboy hat on McMahon.
And so Jim Ross danced cheek to cheek with Vince…
…who then pranced around the ring spanking himself with Ross’s hat.
III. Trish Stratus
And he still wasn’t done! On Smackdown, Mr. McMahon tried to make Trish Stratus join the Kiss My Ass Club. “A**hole! A**hole!” chanted the crowd, which Vince must have interpreted as encouragement.
Before he could make Trish kiss what Jerry Lawler called his “fabulous fanny” (in the American sense of the word)…
…The Rock showed up and put a stop to it.
The 6’5” Rock, a very tall man, made Vince march across the ring with his pants down…
…then gave him the Rock Bottom (that is, his finishing move).
The saving grace of the Kiss My Ass Club was that it was all part of the script — it wasn’t Mr. McMahon actually making his employees perform humiliating sexual favors to keep their jobs in real life. Well, okay, it kind of was…
But hey, if they didn’t like it, they could go to one of the other major wrestling promotions.
Oh damn, no they couldn’t.
IV. The Kiss The Rock’s Ass Club
With the WWF the only game in town, McMahon paired The Rock with Trish against himself and Kurt Angle. Should The Rock’s team lose, he’d have to kiss Vince’s ass.
But part-owner Ric Flair turned the match into a bona fide lucha de apuestas, culo contra culo — if McMahon’s team lost, he’d have to kiss The Rock’s ass.
When The Rock prevailed, the People’s Champ looked forward to, in JR’s words, “The People’s lips on the billionaire’s ass”.
Ross had it backwards, but you get the idea: That Thursday, Vince was to join The Rock’s own Kiss My Ass Club.
At the last moment, though, Rock had a change of plans, making Vince join the Jim Ross Kiss My Ass club, instead.
Then he changed his mind again, bringing Trish Stratus out for the occasion.
Vince McMahon was elated. Jerry Lawler was giddy. Michael Cole wondered — and, my apologies, but this is the only way to interpret his words — whether Vince would get some of Trish’s fecal matter on his nose.
Neither Vince nor Cole got to find out, though, as The Rock changed his mind one last time…
…bringing in Rikishi to do the honors. And with that, Rock closed the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club for good.
Months later, The Rock would cite it as an all-time highlight of Monday Night Raw (It happened on Smackdown).
Between Survivor Series and Vengeance, the WWF produced 720 minutes of prime-time television. Of that, the company dedicated 100 minutes to people kissing an ass, people talking about kissing an ass, and people fighting over kissing an ass.
But at least it was all over.
The Return of the Kiss My Ass Club
I. Bischoff & Gowen
Of course, nothing in wrestling is forever, whether it’s retirements or ass-kissing moratoria.
And the man to re-open the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club was Eric Bischoff. Imagine hearing that sentence in 2001.
Or in any year since Vince Sr. founded Capitol Wrestling Corporation, for that matter.
In order to save his job as Raw GM, Bischoff would have to join the newly re-opened (so-to-speak) Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club.
By now, fans knew the drill: striptease, tricks, etc.
But Eric Bischoff was too proud to kiss McMahon tush, instead wrestling Steve Austin on pay-per-view.
McMahon wasn’t even finished that year, offering Zach Gowen a contract in exchange for membership in the Club…
…but, as a one-legged man, Gowen wasn’t winning any ass-kissing contests — he hit McMahon in the groin instead.
II. Shawn Michaels & Friends
In 2006, to punish Shawn Michaels, Mr. McMahon offered a job to his old friend Marty Jannetty, provided he join the Club.
Though this was painted as a serious moment for Jannetty, Marty could barely keep from laughing.
Vince should be glad Marty had a sense of humor; McMahon could have ended up in the Chattahoochie River.
When Marty refused to kiss Vince’s “magnificent ass”, McMahon gave him an alternative: break Chris Masters’s full nelson.
It was a trick, of course. But right before Jannetty could be inducted into the Kiss My Ass Club, Shawn Michaels made the save…
…only to be inducted himself.
Vince tried to induct Michaels a second time at WrestleMania, only for his own son Shane to join inadvertently.
McMahon kept it in the family for his next membership drive, pressuring his son-in-law Triple H to join.
As insurance, Shane drugged Hunter’s water…
…but The Game pulled the old switcher-roofie. Instead of the King of Kings kissing the Ass of Asses, he kicked it.
Of course, that didn’t mean we were spared seeing Vince’s literal rear end yet again.
III. Mick Foley
With AssaMania running wild in the year 2006, and with a McMahon DVD to promote…
…Vince looked to add Mick Foley to the Kiss My Ass Club, threatening termination if he refused.
Foley, who didn’t need his job, refused. That is, until Vince said Foley’s new lifelong friend Melina was the one who’d be fired.
In a totally selfless act, Mick demanded to get the ass-kissing over with to save his pal’s job.
“Get your pants down, Vince. Get your pants down! Take ‘em down! DO IT! DO IT! You miserable, greedy, heartless son of a bitch. TAKE THOSE PANTS DOWN!”
If someone heard this coming out of your TV, they’d swear you were watching a different kind of program altogether…
…rather than a wrestling show. A totally normal wrestling show where people had to kiss each other’s asses for various reasons.
So Mick Foley laid his lips on Vince’s backside with an eagerness rarely seen.
Of course, it was a set-up. For Foley, Vince and Melina had just two words…
Vince was so pleased that, on the way out of the building, he cut a whole promo about all the things people had done to his derriere.
Now it was up to D-X to give Vince a taste of his own medicine…
…a medicine called “Big Show’s anus”.
How would you like to have to wash your boss’s blood out of your butt crack? Still, the Big Show’s bizarre sacrifice was for the greater good:
The Kiss My Ass Club was finally closed. Forever.
Kiss My Ass Club: The Legacy Continues
The Club was back in a year and a half. Not content with having just one family member in his Kiss My Ass Club, Vince insisted his other son Hornswoggle kiss his ass on TV, as well.
To that end, he spared no expense prepping his keister for the big moment.
Pro wrestling as we know it has existed for over a century, and nuance has never, ever been its forte…
…but this skit may have been the least subtle segment in the history of the genre. Don’t believe me? Here’s a transcript:
[Close-up of VINCE McMAHON’s smiling face. His smile turns to a look of confusion. The camera zooms out to reveal McMAHON bending over in just his shirt tails, with his pants waistband around his knees. A bald man in a white jacket polishes McMAHON’s bare ass with a rotating, handheld floor waxer]
McMAHON: Are you about finished back there, huh? How long does this damn thing take?
[McMAHON glances backward at his ass with a handheld mirror, then stands up]
McMAHON: Hang on a second. Hang on. Did you bring the ass cream?
McMAHON: I’ll take a dollop.
[McMAHON bends over once more. The ASS-BUFFER reaches into a large cardboard cylinder labeled, “ASS CREAM” and applies the contents to McMAHON’s buttocks. McMAHON’s expression briefly turns to shock]
McMAHON: Ooh! That’s a little on the cold side. Go ahead.
[ASS-BUFFER continues to buff McMAHON’s ass. McMAHON wiggles his ass as the ASS-BUFFER buffs. McMAHON glances back at his ass in the mirror, then stands up]
McMAHON: That’s good, that’s good, that’s good.
[McMAHON glances over his shoulder at the ASS-BUFFER]
McMAHON: So there you are, professional ass-buffer. Thank you very much.
[McMAHON turns his head forward and speaks to no one in particular]
McMAHON: [proudly] Imagine that!
[in a gravelly voice, with evil delight, emphasizing the word, “ass” and gesturing with his hand] Mr. McMahon’s Kiss My Ass Club!
[pondering] Mr. McMahon’s ass… in HD.
[pleasantly surprised] That’s got a nice ring to it.
In the ring, McMahon urged parents to raise their kids right. And that meant making them physically kiss their moms’ and dads’ asses…
…which garnered vigorous thumbs down from the children in the arena.
While Hornswoggle technically did join the Kiss My Ass Club that night, he did so by biting his father’s ass without letting go.
So did Vince finally learn his lesson about making people, especially family members, kiss his ass? Did Hornswoggle’s stunt make Vince McMahon put his ass away for good?
No. What made Vince McMahon put his ass away for good was the WWE’s move to TV-PG later that year.
As much as wrestling fans complain about the PG era, WWE’s family-friendly re-branding is what finally killed the Kiss My Ass Club. It’s the only reason this induction isn’t twice as long as it already is.
Because believe me: Given the chance, Vince McMahon would take his ass out again and again and again and again.