Headlies: Fans Cursed With Seven More Years Of Baron Corbin

7 Submitted by on Mon, 18 May 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Tragic news hit the WWE Universe last Sunday during the Money In The Bank Match as fans came to the horrifying realization that they would be stuck with Baron Corbin for seven more years.

The disturbing news followed after Corbin broke a mirror in the gym at Titan Tower during the event. In the mad dash for the Money In The Bank briefcase, Corbin recklessly threw a weight, shattering the mirror in the process. Fans at home joined Corbin, staring in abject horror at the unavoidable horror that is to come.

“Normally, breaking a mirror is seven years bad luck for whoever broke it, but this is WWE,” said fan Michael Perdue. “Those seven years are going to be passed off on to us. Seven more years of bad matches, boring interviews, and that stupid possum fur coat.”

“The mirror thing was bad, but did he really have to spill salt on a black cat while standing under a ladder and holding a cursed Pele volcanic rock? That was weird and unnecessary. Think about the ground that covers when talking about King Corbin,” said wrestling podcaster Edmund Higamaroshi.

“My therapist said King Corbin couldn’t hurt me because he wasn’t real. She was wrong,” said Cheri Blart. “2020 is the most cursed year.”

“Oh, great. The King Corbin-Elias feud continues,” said a depressed Elias.

“I picked the wrong seven years to stop sniffing glue,” lamented former air traffic controller Steve McCroskey.

Corbin dismissed his critics earlier today.

“What’s the big deal?” asked Corbin blandly. “I’ve come a long way since NXT. I’m a former WWE United States Champion and Money In The Bank Winner. I won the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal! Now I’m your King Of The Ring. You would all be lucky to have me for seven more years. Y’know, when I was on the Arizona Cardinals, Larry Fitzgerald once told me…” trailed off Corbin, falling asleep to his own promo.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: Fans Cursed With Seven More Years Of Baron Corbin"
  1. Raging_Demons says:

    I’ve been saying it for years! #BaronCorbinIsAHumanJigglypuff

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I am dreading his inevitable feud with Triple H over the title ‘king’. I have a nasty feeling he is going to be a back-to-back King of the Ring winner. Then there will be his feud with Braun Strowman mostly likely resulting in him winning the Universal title (the Otis cash in will be on his head). Leading to more boring promos and Corey Graves’ insufferable arse licking. And then they’ll put the belt back on him so he and Roman reigns can bore everyone to tears at WM37… I can see the fast forward button on my Sky+ remote getting worn out very quickly…

  3. Paul R. from Spook Central: The Ghostbusters Companion says:

    A Brady Bunch AND an Airplane! reference… nice. I love the part at the end where he fell asleep to his own promo. Yeah, the Corbin segments are the ones I always fast forward through when I watch Raw or SmackDown on DVR.

  4. Mr. Boing says:

    All HAIL the mighty Possum King!

  5. John C says:

    Yeah well you only say that because he lacks personality, interesting matches and ability to keep your fingers away from the fast forward button. I kid King Boredom, it’s just I’d rather watch a 1985-1986 MSG house show match between Iron Mike Sharpe-Leaping Lanny Poffo than his boring ass stuff and I don’t completely hate him like a lot of other fans. He’s just around to much, maybe fake an injury for a few months and let his tedium fade away a bit.

  6. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I think his next gimmick could be Boring Corbyn… to be honest my two biggest Corbyn related fears are 1) He feuds with Roman Reigns for a major title 2) He turns face – now that is a guaranteed disaster…

  7. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Sorry, I’m starting to hijack this now but a couple more things:

    1) I get the feeling WWE are trying to create a superstar who is going to be more loathed than Roman Reigns. The neverending push is being executed to inflict a superstar on the fans they detest, there is definite X-Pac Heat to Corbyn. I felt similar to Jinder Mahal, a push and world title reign out of nowhere to a jobber who the fans never embraced. What WWE really want, in my opinion, is to have a superstar Roman Reigns can knock off as champ and they finally get the reaction they want from the crowd.

    2) If the fans had a chance to comment on who should have been part of the future endeavour group then Corbyn would have been extremely high on the list and certainly wouldn’t be missed. The sad part? It goes to show WWE don’t listen to their fans.

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