Thought it may be nice to give John Cena a SQUASH of the Week prior to his big Gooker Award ceremony that will be happening tomorrow night. So let’s go back, way back, like twenty-three YEARS back to when Cena was first starting to make waves in WWE.
Yep, we’re talking BIG FIST SMACKDOWN era John Cena, complete with a chain and lock around his neck. Y’all remember that right? WORD LIFE!
His opponent this evening would be none other than Sho Funaki, who had graduated from the uber questionable Kai En Tai to becoming a still somewhat questionable “#1 announcer” of SmackDown. For whatever reason, tonight he was back in the ring and looking to hit the pay windah.
Before the match can start however, we get some rapping from John, one line of which talks about Funaki’s camel toe. Listening to this now is so incredibly cringe. Do the kids still say that? Will they still be saying that in five years when someone is reading this for the first time?
Funaki, though, isn’t about to be out done and grabs the mic. You see, he’s going to rap too! He tells us Cena is U-G-L-Y, he ain’t got no alibi! He’s ugly! This of course causes Michael Cole to nearly pee his pants in laughter. Can we all agree he’s the worst announcer in the history of this (or any other) company?
At this point, Funaki starts doing the robot and Cena levels him with a clothesline. He kicks him in the head a couple times for good measure then comes barreling into the corner only for Funaki to get his foot up. I should note while this is happening, Cole starts talking about how he thought he and Cena were tight. Said it before, I’ll say it again – Michael Cole is my wrestling kryptonite and I don’t know that anyone or anything in wrestling has ever come close.
Funaki takes flight off the top rope, but Cena easily catches him and literally throws him into the turnbuckles. At this point, it’s just a matter of an F-U Attitude Adjustment whatever he was calling it at this time and the match is over. Good job, John, you wiped out Funaki. And there’ll be a lot more wiping to be done tomorrow night when your Gooker win hits!