Today we bear witness to the single greatest squash in the history of squashes. It’s one of legend, and features a very heroic man who just happened to be a dear friend of mine.
I am referring of course to “Earthquake” John Tenta! Look at this happy man – enjoying his life as a pro wrestler, smiling all the way, bringing laughter and joy to everyone in the arena.
Unfortunately this evening, he is paired up against a completely vile vermin by the name of Jake “The Snake” Roberts. A despicable man with a list of reprehensible actions a mile long, Jake made a name for himself by carrying a giant snake in a bag he threw recklessly over his shoulder.
Hoping he could help bring Jake to his senses, the week prior to their scheduled encounter Quake politely asked him to not bring the snake to ringside.
The dastardly Roberts would hear none of it of course and attacked our friend at the opening bell. Not only that, he opened his sack and flung his snake at poor Mr. Tenta. I mean seriously – just look at this. What kind of a man literally THROWS A SNAKE at someone?
Noticing this very erratic and illegal behavior, Quake and his manager James Hart inquire the official about these actions. The referee, obviously someone Jake was paying under the table (likely with illegal narcotics), said there was nothing he was going to do about it and forced Quake back to ringside.
Realizing he had no other choice than to quite literally beat Jake to his senses, Quake clobbered him with a mighty blow then threw him back into the ring…
…and tied him up in the ropes. Though the audio unfortunately missed this due to the 58,000 screaming fans in the arena, Mr. Tenta politely asked Jake to think about and perhaps even apologize for his actions. Jake responded exactly as you’d expect – with five straight minutes of anti-Canadian slurs.
At this point for no apparent reason, the referee attempted to attack Mr. Hart. Fortunately (or not), the official was so coked up that he literally collapsed on the mat as James attempted to revive him.
With no recourse, our friend did what he had to do – he bounced up and down on the mat, then ran back and forth and SQUASHED Jake’s venomous viper before it could slither about and kill all 73,000 fans at ringside.
All the while, Jake looked on and did nothing. Because that’s what cowards do – NOTHING.
Not wanting to do it but realizing he had to, John summoned up the courage to once more crush the slimy snake with his massive frame. If you look like closely, you can see tears streaming down John’s face as he bravely performed this act. It was just like the movie Old Yeller if the dog was a demon infested serpent.
I know I speak for everyone when I say THANK YOU JOHN TENTA for saving us all. You were a hero to everyone and you well and truly deserved to eat that snake burger. I will forever miss you my dear friend.