One of the most surreal moments of my life had to have been sharing a “locker room” (which more closely resembled a utility closet) with Dave Batista. It was in 1999 I believe where he and I were on a show together in Hope, Indiana of all places. It was for Ohio Valley Wrestling, and believe it or not, I was higher on the card than he was, as this was the infamous night where I was managing Mark Henry against Paul “Big Show” Wight. I remember being there and seeing this gigantic muscleman in the corner, saying almost nothing, and just taking it in. He wasn’t rude by any stretch, just quiet…like he knew he had to be here to reach his goal of being a big time pro wrestler. Of course, he would become not only that, but a huge movie star as well, a man who can do great action scenes (Spectre) and incredible comedy (Guardians of the Galaxy). It’s the latter we will focus on today, as Batista appeared on the September 1, 2005 episode of SmackDown taking on Simon Dean.
Ah yes, Simon Dean, inventor of the patented Simon System of energy drinks and health products. In fact, we learn that no less than Big Dave uses the system, and more than that, he became WWE World Champion due to this. Soon enough, the champ comes out, but shocker of shocker, he says he’s never actually used this drink before. However, he also tells us he’s into fitness, wants to be healthy, so by all means he’ll give it a shot.
So he does, and Dave admits he does feel bigger. He feels stronger!
Unfortunately for Simon, he also felt more AGGRESSIVE so he immediately started pummeling him from pillar to post.
Poor Dave started to feel a bit weaker at this point, so he did what Simon taught him to do – go get some more Simon System! Miracle of miracles, he saw his vigor increase tenfold, enough to allow him to shake the ropes Ultimate Warrior style!
Two thumbs down later, Simon was planted with a Batista bomb…and then given the biggest endorsement for his product possible, as Dave smiled and mugged for the camera. One can only imagine a young James Gunn seeing this and thinking, “You know, if I painted him blue and paired him with a walking tree and a talking raccoon…”