Crunch Time Popcorn Kit

Item Description: “Sherwood Brands brings you the perfect complement to the excitement of a WWE™ event — Crunch Time and Snack Down snack and gift sets! Zap our WWE™ popcorn in the microwave and pour a couple of drinks into our WWE™ soda glasses while you watch your favorite WWE™ superstars battle it out on TV. ”

RD: First of all, despite being a connoisseur of all things crappy/WWE, I had no idea that such a thing as the WWE CRUNCH TIME POPCORN KIT even existed, and didn’t know it did until my buddy Casey unwrapped it (a gift from our ol’ pal Diamond Dan) at Christmas. I immediately went headfirst into an uncontrollable fit of jealousy, that was placated only due to the fact that the kit came with two exact same “kits” within the holiest of shrinkwrap. Casey gladly handed one of the kits (which consisted of a tiny beverage glass, an even tinier bag of nuke-able popcorn, and a jagged plastic. . . ummm. . . popcorn box, I guess) over to me. It was, without question, the single greatest display of yuletide generosity since Ebenezer Scrooge bought a 47 pound goose for Bob Cratchit and his gimp son.

But here’s where it gets REALLY bizarre – not only did I get one, but so did the man behind Jobber of the Week – Blade Braxton! And while I was reluctant to even open the bag of popcorn (preferring to keep what I had in mint condition), he had no such adversion to diving right in. Here’s his story:

Blade Braxton: Imagine my surprise when I opened a package and received…the WWE Crunch Time Popcorn Kit. Yes, sometimes I feel like you and I lead parallel lives.

Yours truly goes though microwave popcorn like you wouldn’t believe so I was really curious to see what the WWE’s would taste like. First off, I’m a 230 lb. man so I was disappointed in the size of the popcorn bag. Oh well, quality over quantity right??

After removing the plastic, I began to get scared, as it was then that I noticed all the Chinese writing on the bag. What the hell was I putting into my microwave?? Popcorn or some bizarre in-house firecracker? My fears subsided after reading on the bag that this was indeed “American Style” popcorn. I have no earthly idea what the hell that even means, but just reading it made me want to slap my hand to my heart and recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Further examination of the package indicated that the stuff was made by Hotest (apparently the name of the popcorn manufacturer, not to be confused with the Godfather’s version of the SAT). After a few minutes in the microwave, my bag was done. Maybe the name the Chinese were trying to spell was really “HOTTEST” because I have never seen more popcorn get totally burned so quickly. I’m surprised my kitchen didn’t become engulfed in flames.

Oh well, I had one more bag so I tried again, this time more carefully reading the instructions. Boy, was I in for a surprise. It was here, reading Step #2, where I was greeted by an old friend I hadn’t seen since 1994. That’s right RD, look closely and you’ll see Mick Foley’s long lost right ear, telling you to listen carefully for when the popcorn is finished. Knowing that the rest of its body knew how to handle a “cheap pop,” I figured Foley’s Ear could at least help me handle this “cheap popcorn.”

I followed Ear’s instructions faithfully, line by line, even stopping the microwave 20 seconds sooner than listed. It didn’t matter, this bag was scorched too. My entire house began to reek with an odour reminiscent of a menage a trois between Kane, Katie Vick and the California wildfire.

Oh well, nasty tasting burnt popcorn aside, at least my wrestling related Christmas gift streak survived.

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