Over the years, we’ve inducted plenty of game shows featuring pro wrestlers, seemingly everything from Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon on Double Dare to Booker T revealing himself to truly be The Weakest Link by thinking Thanksgiving was in October (and if that doesn’t get you to pony up $14.95 for the WrestleCrap archives, I don’t know what will). Family Feud, The Price is Right, you name it, there seems to be no game show that wrestling hasn’t invaded at one time or another.
So it seems only fitting during the height of pro wrestling’s greatest popularity in the late 1990s that we’d get another cross over, this time in the form of the legendary Dating Game.
The show, hosted by the great Chuck Woolery, featured a guy asking three girls various questions to find out who he thought would be his best match. The catch, of course, was that the women were blocked from his view, so physical appearances were thrown out the window. Hence the need to ask good questions!
Tonight, though, there would be no dogs behind the screen, as we were getting three of pro wrestling hottest women…in the form of The Nitro Girls!
Let’s see if I can remember their names. Since I’ve written about them several times in the past couple of years, I bet I can!
On the left is Chae! Chuck tells us she likes to ride Harleys, horses, and her phone number is a WELL KEPT SECRET! And here I was hoping they’d flash it along the bottom of the screen. Foiled again!
Bachelorette number two is Fyre! According to Chuckles, she is into weight lifting, is a fitness trainer and works on the side as a mortgage broker! He left it out, but she is also without question my all time favorite of the Nitro Girls. Just looks like she’d be completely insane and probably very randy.
Ha! See what I did there?
And on the right is Whisper! We learn that she is a “computer wiz” (she’s Mike Check’s daughter?!), a 4.0 student, AND a swimsuit model! She’s also the girl who stared at Kid Rock’s junk in an induction I did a few weeks ago!
Oh, and she married this guy:
Speaking of complete d-bags, let’s meet our bachelor!
He’s an “amateur animator” (which even Chuck can’t say with a straight face) who collects vintage toys who says a first date should take place at THE CIRCUS! Hailing from, as best I can tell, “Goat’s Neck, New Jersey”..say hello to…PAUL SESSA!!
Ok, no amateur animator who collector vintage toys and wants to take girls to the circus should every look so smug.
Especially not wearing THAT shirt.
So he explains that the reason he likes to take a girl to the circus is because he used to, no joke, BE A CLOWN. Further, he explains, “if a girl can get over the fear of a clown, they can be with me.” That is legit the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard. Holy smokes.
So we get past the formalities and into the questions!
QUESTION NUMBER 1: “Bachelorette number one, forget the International House of Pancakes! I’m going to the International House of Bachelorettes! How would I order YOU for breakfast?”
Chae explains it would be a chocolate chip waffle with strawberries and whipped cream and nuts and gummy bears and Skittles and about 27 other things.
One of which was apparently Smilex.
Whisper notes that she would be a tall stack of pancakes.
Because she is tall. And stacked.
QUESTION NUMBER 2: “Bachelorette number two, I arrive to pick you up on my brand new neon blue tricycle! Do you hop on?”
This is real dialogue on a real show in which a real man (well, pudgy animator who used to be a clown in an absurd shirt) is attempting to woo a real woman (well, I mean ‘real’ if you can forgive some rather blatant plastic enhancements). I…don’t even know what to say.
Frye tells us that she would hop on, but she would need to drive.
So apparently she didn’t know what to say either.
Chae comes back and tells us she’d dress him up in black leather and throw him on the back of her Harley. Hopefully while wearing his greasepaint.
QUESTION NUMBER 3: “Bachelorette number three, what is the last thing you did in your apartment that deserves a round of applause?”
The future Mrs. Michaels tells us that she had six co-workers over for breakfast and made about a billion different things, one of which was a melon from which she carved an animal. A swan to be exact.
Seriously. That’s what the woman said.
“I like fruit!” pipes in Paul.
What about swans? Or fruit carved up like swans? Do you like those?
Fyre’s applause worthy action?
You know, her appearance on this show is really causing me to rethink her as my top pick of these chicks. Is Spice still around?
QUESTION NUMBER 3: “Bachelorette number three, who souls you rather date – the Mummy, the Wolfman, or Frankenstein…and why?”
Whisper tells us that she’s looking to be with the Mummy, as he’s already in sheets and it would be fun to undress him. Gotta believe that’s going to make someone on the WCW roster VERY happy.
As for Chae, she wants the Wolfman. Because on a full moon, they could hang out and howl together.
With Joker Brand, I get a grin…again…and again!
QUESTION NUMBER 4: “Bachelorette number two, we’re both monkeys in the zoo, and you’ve had your eye on me for a looooooooooong time! Let me hear you get up the courage and ask me out!”
To her credit, Fyre looks at him like it’s the single stupidest question she’s ever heard (which may well be the case)…
…before going full on primate and giving the best gosh derned chimp call you ever did hear.
Ok, I am back in love with you again. Well played, Ms. Byrne. Well played!
Moment of truth time, as we find out who the former (and arguably current) clown chooses as his date! So who’s going to be the not so lucky lady? Gotta believe it’s down to either the one who made primate sounds or the girl who gets moist thinking about the Yetay.
And let me tell you, old Paul was more than thrilled, immediately grabbing the poor girl and swinging her around like a rag doll.
Chuck smiles and tells them to go backstage and “get to know each other a little better”. I would say that’s downright creepy, but honestly, they are giving these two people who have never met a trip together to Cancun, so who am I to judge?
But hey, why should some schmuck have all the fun?
What about a little something for the ladies?
Let’s bring out our next set of contestants, this time BACHELORS!
Now if I was just some lummox sitting at home who had zero idea who these guys were, Id think they were the three biggest dorks on the planet. Seriously, look at them.
Chuck, intro these geeks.
“When he’s not pinning opponents to the mat, he’s doing sleight of hand magic (!), playing miniature golf (!!), and swimming with dolphins(!!!)! Say hello to Billy Kidman!”
“When he’s not shaking his booty to Saturday Night Fever, you can find him gambling in Las Vegas and eating sushi! It’s the Disco Inferno!”
“He’s originally from Alberta, Canada, and is an amateur hockey player. If you’re one of his fans, you’re a Jericholic. Here’s is Lionheart Chris Jericho!”
Yeah, like THAT was going to change Joe Sixpack’s perception.
Ok, bring on the broad!
She’s a graduate student in Russian literature and history who is also an interior decorator who collects mermaids….Erin Cavanah!
And let me tell ya, this girl is a WHOLE LOTTA 90s.
She may also be larping Janice from the Muppets.
We learn that she is a big wrestling fan in large part because the men in the ring are big and strong and she likes to be, and I am quoting here, “picked up and carried around.”
Maybe we can just bring Paul back out.
Enough of these shenanigans! Let’s get on with the questions!
QUESTION NUMBER 1: “Bachelor number two, I have a fear of starvation. What scares you?”
Disco notes that while both cowboy hats and mid 80’s music horrifies him, what keeps him up at night is getting his heart broken.
No, literally AWWWWW, like from the entire crowd.
Bachelor Number one, same question.
“If you were looking at what I was looking at, I’d say Bachelor Number Two…and his bad breath!”
I think the only thing keeping Jericho from doing a full belly laugh is whatever belt he has around his waist. HA HA HA!
QUESTION NUMBER 2: “Bachelor number three, you’re the Mayor of Tiny Town. In your tiny Mayor’s voice, dedicate a special day…to me!”
Jericho goes into his kinda sorta Mickey Mouse voice before just dropping it altogether and noting she doesn’t need to wear underwear and that he will vanquish anyone who crosses her with the Liontamer.
Wait, doesn’t that give away who he is?
If so, I can tell you that Janice is a huge Jericho fan as she nearly has an orgasm right there on stage.
Bachelor Number One explains that on her special day, there’ll be lots of partying, adult beverages, and loads of Bachelor Number One.
This causes Janice…
…to make this face.
There’s a joke to be made there, and in my younger, more reckless days I would have made it…but as a man approaching 137 years of age, I am now far too much of a gentleman to stoop so low.
QUESTION NUMBER 3: “Bachelor number two, is there anything in your life that you fake?”
Disco explains that when he’s in the ring, he fakes that he is obnoxious so he can get people to boo. Outside the ring? He’s a loyal friend that likes to make people laugh.
Which generates this reaction.
Yeah, Disco doesn’t stand a chance.
Especially when Jericho answering the same question by noting he’s the paragon of virtue gets this reaction:
QUESTION NUMBER 4: “Bachelor number three, why aren’t you wearing pants?”
Actually she didn’t ask that. But I want to know. What’s the deal, Jericho? Put on some pants for crying out loud!
QUESTION NUMBER WHATEVER, I’M BORED AND HAVE LOST COUNT: “Bachelor number one, you’d be the nicest guy in the world if you weren’t an undead zombie with a diet consisting entirely of human flesh. You just took a bite out of Bachelor Number Three and spit it out…why?”
I didn’t make that one up.
Kidman: “I spit it out because I don’t like Canadian ham!”
Ok, that was a great line.
Bachelor Number Three, your retort?
“I’d spit it out because I’m lactose intolerant and he’s far too cheesy!”
That was horrible. Advantage Kidman. How dare Hulk Hogan say he couldn’t draw a crowd at a flea market?
QUESTION NUMBER ISN’T THIS THING OVER YET I FEEL LIKE I STARTED WATCHING BACK IN FEBRUARY: “Bachelor number two, I’ve started a new gourmet hot dog company and you’re trying out as the mascot. Tell me, why should you be my Mr. Weiner?”
Waitaminute…is that a double entendre?
“If you’ve ever had Italian sausage,” Disco notes, “you’d know I’m the man for the job!”
It is! It IS a double entendre! Whodathunkit?
Finally, it’s the moment of truth. Erin…what complete and utter stranger are you taking with you to Hawaii?
As if there was ever any doubt.
Still, kudos to Jericho for selling this victory the same as if he had just won his first heavyweight championship. That was awesome.
As was him coming out, kissing the girl on the hands, and then thanking “Mr. Wolverine” (“please, call me ‘Chuck!’) for making it happen. Literally in tears.
After hearing that and seeing this…
…I kinda think I need to change the name of this site to WrestleGREAT.
Nah. I like the logo too much. Good try, though, Chris!