In the course of any given week, I get countless letters asking me what I consider to be the worst angle of all time. The worst gimmick of all time. The worst match of all time.
Therefore, I have decided to address at least one of these by posting a heretofore unseen induction to the annals of WrestleCrap. A match so horrible, so hideous, that it would force one to reconsider why they even waste time watching pro wrestling at all.
|The match in question pitted Tank Abbot against his arch rival, Big Al. Now since no one had ever heard of Big Al, it was a question as to how he was such a threat. He had never wrestled on TV before (and thankfully never since, either). |
WCW devised an angle based around the notion that Big Al was an old running buddy of Tank’s, and that he thought Tank had ‘sold out’ by going into the phony world of pro wrestling.
Nothing like making a legitimate tough guy (as well as the rest of the locker room) look like a total wimp by stating that pro wrestling is, indeed, “fake”.
Of course, it was also hypocritical, since even WCW color man Mark Madden pointed out that Big Al surely was getting paid to do a pro wrestling match. When your announcers are analyzing your plot holes, it’s time to pack it in.
|Back to the match. It wasn’t just any match – it was “Hole in One” Darsow’s specialty, a SKINS match.|
|Whoops! Wrong picture. No, it wasn’t a golf outing, but rather a Leather Jacket on a Pole Match. Cuz, see, your jacket is like your SKIN. Or something. Don’t ask me, I didn’t book this crap. |
The combatants tied themselves together with a belt…
|..and then, WAM! Al punched Tank in the head!|
|In a brilliant display or cunning and strategy, Tank responded by punching Al in the head, all the while yelling, “bring it!”|
This was truly, to quote the late, great Gordon Solie, “human chess” at its finest!
|Thus far, the match consists of maybe four total punches to the head. But it’s about to get exciting, as Al is about to give Tank a ball buster to the post…|
|…but then DOESN’T, as he claims that would be “too good” for Tank. |
What the hell? Does he have gold plated testicles?
|Then the high spot of the match occurs, as Al stands on Big Al’s face. |
You think I’m kidding. I’m not. That was the most exciting thing in the whole damn match.
|Tank punches Al a couple more times, then puts him on his shoulder and carries him up the turnbuckles. Tank then completely loses his balance and Al falls to the floor in a completely sick (and certainly unplanned) bump.|
|Tank then finishes Big Al off by punching him in the chest, as the announcers talk about how brutal a match this was to watch. |
And for the first time in my life, I find myself in agreement with Tony Schiavone.
|The post match antics are even more idiotic, as Tank grabs a switchblade from the jacket and threatens to cut Big Al’s throat. He even dropped the F Bomb. It was great listening to the announce crew trying to explain THAT one.|
So the sum total of the match, which lasted about 10 minutes, were maybe 10 punches, standing on a guy’s face, and then dropping him to the floor from above the top turnbuckle.
Worst match ever? Maybe, maybe not. But I certainly don’t ever want to see crap like this again.
Tank: “Bring it!”
Big Al: “Bring it!”
Tank: “Bring it!”
Tank Abbot: “I could FUCKING KILL YOU!”
Mark Madden: “He’s gonna skin him, I think! Does he have a knife to his throat?”
Tony Schiavone: “I think maybe that was a pair of scissors. He was going to cut of his beard or something there.”