Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy

just another romantic wrestling comedy

I think all the years of watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 has built up my immunity to being able to view bad movies with the bravery of a slasher flick’s “Final Virgin”. In fact, I’d kicked around the idea of doing my own crappy movie review blog to share my Sid and Nancy-esque destructive love of bad movies with the 12 listeners and 8 viewers of the Wrestlecrap website. (Note from RD: more listeners than viewers? I don’t think so, sister!)

In any event, the movie poster above was brought to my attention several months ago and I just knew I was going to be writing on it here.

And boy did those MST3K training sessions come in handy.

The movie opens with a computer animated opening credits sequence.

Now I say that, but that’s being somewhat kind.

It’s ‘computer animated’, yes, but that computer looks like it was around in maybe 1992. Maybe it’s an Amiga.

So this animation is one of a woodpecker farting on a statue.

Sounds like just another romantic wrestling comedy to me.

In the opening scene, we’re greeted by a wrestling couple in a hotel room throwing each other around the bed with arm bars and football tackles before they mate.

The lady kinda looks like Lita if you squint hard enough.

And the guy?

Spitting image of a lovechild of Rick Rude and Dick Butkus.

Inevitably, 9 months later they’re in the hospital delivery room about to have a little bundle of joy. Margaret Cho, NOOOO!!

I guess All American Girl has led to doing the stereotypical Asian caricature that audiences of the 1950s found hilarious.

I’m shocked she didn’t enter the room wearing a Raiden hat.

Anyways, Dr. Moo Goo Gai Pan says they have a girl and Dick Rude is somewhat disappointed because he wanted to raise a fellow wrestler and not a future WWE Diva.

Twelve years later, Dick Rude and Kinda Lita are proud parents to young Sandy Gold as she begins middle school. Her first day in middle school is spent standing up to bullies who are bribed by the little Jewish kid.

Think the stereotypes so far have been offensive?

We haven’t begun to scratch the surface in this thing.

Not even close!

Sandy quickly forms a friendship with Robert John, who tells Sandy he’s gay, and the little Jewish child that resembles Miles Silverberg from Murphy Brown as a youngling.

He tells Sandy and Robert John about the wealth he has amassed from his various business ventures.

Cause ya see he’s Jewish and he’s already running business despite the fact he has no publes.

I’m surprised they don’t have him singing “Hava Nagila” and spinning a dreidel.

And of course the bullies return to wreak havoc upon the lunch room.

As an aside, I like how in movies and TV shows, school cafeterias are completely unsupervised by adults. When I was in school, if you so much as threw a spitball in the cafeteria, some closeted lesbian lunchlady would take your ass down in a Royce Gracie guillotine chokehold.

And do kids really laugh AND point?

I mean, I wouldn’t do that unless someone dropped pig’s blood on you on prom night.

Young Sandy gains the affections of not only young Miles but also the school bully named “Monster”.

Pretty soon, everyone is calling her up asking for a date.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lawler. I’m only twelve and too young to go out with you.”

Cut to 10 years later. Sandy Gold is a pretty young wrestler and Robert John is so gay that the Queer Eye guys find his image damaging to the gay community.

I mean, he makes Lamaar Lattrell look butch.

Monster is also a wrestler and has an on-and-off relationship with Sandy that usually ends when she catches him cheating.

Monster may be the stupidest bully born into this world.

Ever hear of hotel rooms with LOCKED DOORS, Monster?

And Miles grows up into a wealthy entrepreneur who still loves Sandy and stalks her as much as possible.

Then a random scene occurs that takes place on the night of Sandy, Miles and Robert John’s high school reunion, as a truck rolls up and Chyna gets out to sexually assault the frightened Robert John while her wrestler boyfriend watches and encourages the action.

Just a suggestion: if you want to convert a gay man, DO NOT use Joanie Laurer.

“I was just sexually assaulted by Chyna from the WWF and I’m really confused now.

Could you please come over?”

Seriously, Chyna appears with no explanation 30 minutes into the movie and has a series of running gags where she has a spaced out “where am I?” look on her face (don’t think that instruction was in the script), makes out with her jerky heel boyfriend while disgusted on-lookers remember the X-Pac porn and she gives everyone the finger for no reason.

There also appears to be a rivalry between Sandy and Chyna that never pans out.

Thank you, Movie.

Glad we got that scene here.

During the course of the movie, Sandy realizes that despite the creepy and persistent stalking, she likes her hot dogs kosher.

Ugh, this is like watching Michelle Pfeiffer making out with Jameson.

It all leads to a touching Love Montage complete with slow-mo running, picnic table straddling and porta-potty Fu.

The only thing that’s missing is Joel and the bots singing “Only Love Pads the Film” in the background.

But Sandy’s parents want her to marry a wrestler to do her family proud.

Please don’t ask me to explain that previous sentence.

Just accept it, and move on.

In order to win their favor, Miles tries to prove himself by first trying to buy off Chyna’s heel boyfriend (oh you wacky Jews with your one dollar bills) but when that doesn’t work, he challenges him to a wrestling match.

I have no idea what the jerky voyeur’s name is and I don’t really care because that’s the extent of his character.

Miles does his Jerry Lewis-like Rockymontage and for some reason a UFO appears above a cornfield.

Um, alright.

As long as Chyna doesn’t show up again, you can show all the space ships you want.

Robert John even stands in Miles’ corner in his gay luchadore outfit.

El Queero de Exaggerato?

The match is called by two dipshits that use insider terms when calling the action, despite the fact the match is supposed to be “real”.

The usual staples of a “by the numbers” match occur such as the heel dominating the babyface…

The ref bump with mounting…hey, wait a minute…

The masked wrestler run-in….

…and the babyface turn by his former rival, Monster.

Miles wins the match by count-out and they celebrate the win as much as Lex Luger did over Yokozuna.

Still, there was more wrestling than there’s been on RAW since 2004.

And Chyna and her heel boyfriend are never seen in the movie again. So much for star billing.

This normally would be where the movie ends as the happy couple in love embrace.

But not THIS movie. No.

THIS movie goes on for another 45 minutes as Miles gets a makeover (the old “take off the glasses and you’re hot” trick).

Aaaand shows the gay guys his package.


We then get our next offensive stereotype as the East Indian eye doctor speaks like Apu until “Men On Film” pushes the dot on his head, which makes his accent change to Sol Rosenberg from The Jerky Boys tapes. “I lost my shoes and glaaaasessss”.

Glad we had that pivotal plot-advancing scene there.

Then the movie comes to a climax as Monster and Miles each propose to Sandy at the same time and she accepts one of their proposals…


Wow, she actually chooses Monster over Miles to please her parents.

I am genuinely shocked.


This is Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy, after all!

Sandy and her hunky heeb tie the knot and live happily, no doubt teaching their children how to win over mates by putting them in the Scorpion Deathlock.

Ugh, thank God it’s finally over. Certainly not the worst movie I’ve ever seen (that would be “Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks”) but it was just dull, the stereotypes of Jews, gays and East Indians were offensively unwitty and the “wrestling” parts were uninspired. You could’ve replaced the word “wrestling” and substituted “baseball” or “curling” and you’d still have the same story. And Chyna really looked ghastly. I get that they put her in the movie to have at least one “name” wrestling personality in there but her part is so insignificant that she’s gone halfway through the movie with no explanation and she’s showed more dignity drugged out of her mind on the Howard Stern Show.

The most shocking part of this whole thing? It has a 1.2 rating over on IMDB.

Who could have possibly rated it that high?!

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