It was about a year ago that I jumped on the Ice Bucket Challenge bandwagon, and released this video:
It was a silly attempt at making folks laugh, and the fact that RD Jr. can be heard giggling in the background throughout it is something that makes me consider it a success. Of course, others didn’t view it as such. For instance, to the gentleman that noted WrestleCrap hasn’t been funny since 2001, that’s your perogative. Not sure why precisely you’d still be following the site fourteen YEARS later, but good for you. I appreciate the support.
I also appreciate the kind words from someone named pinmike:
The words are kind.
Inaccurate, but kind.
I’m not buff. This guy is buff:
(And here you thought I’d post a picture of the goofball in the top hat.)
I know I’ve made fun of Scott Steiner over the years, but it’s always been a bit tongue in cheek, as the dude embodies what I once viewed wrestling to be all about: crazy, jacked up lunatics you wouldn’t dare insult for fear of having your forehead meet your rectum up close and personal. The dude may not be completely insane (though there is evidence in this here book that lends credence to the theory that he is), but he plays the part so well that you kinda have to believe that he just may be.
So when I heard this man had a workout DVD, was there ever a doubt I’d take the plunge and review it?
Especially when it features a CARTOON SCOTT STEINER?
So yes, kids, welcome to Scott Steiner’s Freak Show, a workout DVD released in 2009. No, I don’t know how it took me this long to get it either. What I do know is now that I have it in my possession, I will never look anything less than absolutely ripped again, as I have the secrets to complete genetic freakatude at my disposal. I’ve covered a lot of work out programs on here in the past, ranging back to the original Ultimate Warrior VHS (existing these days in the Archives) to the recently inducted Paul Orndorff: Fitness Trainer. And there was also that completely bizarre one for kids with my buddy Roddy Piper in which he told the children…
Those were all good.
But did any of them feature the host hoisting parts of old cars over their heads?
This one does!
In the interest of completeness, I will note that the video contains not just one workout routine, but FOUR: Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced, and FREAK SHOW. And sure, I could go over each and every one of those for you…
…if you wanted to listen to Scott Steiner calmly explaining how to warm up your body while looking blankly into the camera. But really, who could possibly want to waste their time reading such malarky as that?
Yeah, I don’t know either dude.
So let’s just skip that crap and move right onto the main event, wherein Scott Steiner uses live women as dumb bells!
(BTW, Taryn, you are currently my favorite woman wrestler on the planet. Pity that Impact has been canned, that schtick with the Doll House is money.)
Ok, it’s time to get it on with Big Poppa Pump!
It’s time to do the FREAK SHOW WORKOUT!
Unlike other training regimens you may have encountered in the past, the activities preparing you for lifting here consists of the Big Bad Booty Daddy riding around on a motorcycle with a nearly naked skank hanging on for dear life. He then explains to “Kelly” that the workout she got last night was nothing compared to what was about to happen, followed by the most blatant AC/DC ripoff you ever did hear blaring in the background.
Soon enough, we are in the gym, and we’re joined by two more of Steiner’s freaks.
And as he begins to do some light bench presses, the girls urge him on with such inspirational vebiage as “you’re making me really hot right now” and “NICE!”
THAT’s a warmup!
Soon the guy is benching enough weight to make Dino Bravo blush, which of course has the girls squealing in delight, giving our hero motivational speech as “PUSH IT BABY!”
Mrs. Deal! Get over here and drool all over me while I do some dead lifts!
Next, Scotty eschews lame standard workout equipment for something a bit more manly. “I didn’t like that car!” he explains. I’ve had a lot of cars I didn’t like in the past, but I never ripped the axle off them.
You know why?
Because I’M NOT SCOTT STEINER.
He also tells us he’s doing “curls for the girls” and then calls them each out by name as he does so. What a romantic.
Tossing some heavy chains around is next. How that would be superior to actually, you know, lifting actual weights is beyond me, but again, he’s Scott Steiner, so I kinda have to take what he is saying as sound fitness advice.
I mean, as he’s lifting, one of the girls appears to be face level with his crotch.
You ever had that happen to YOU at the gym?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Scott then explains that you need to have a big lower body to match your big upper body. So he grabs some more weights and starts doing some wacky squats. Now sure, that looks like a good work out for a normal man.
But as we’ve seen, Scott Steiner is no normal man!
So he beckons one of the hussies over so he can do this the PROPER way…
…with her straddling his shoulders while he does them!
You know, I’ve been going to Planet Fitness for nearly two straight years pretty much 4-5 times a week, and I’ve never seen THAT technique. Guessing I need to be a Black Card holder to learn how to do that one.
As he wraps that up, he tells Kelly to go back to the hotel and get ready for him. Going out on a limb here and guessing that he doesn’t mean to get changed so they can go to Taco Bell. Before he joins her, though, he’s going to work out just a bit more.
And he’s going to work out by lifting GIANT LOGS!
“It’s a redwood, baby!” he dutifully notes. So not only are we getting sage fitness advice, we’re learning the finer art of dendrology as well!
Finally, we reach the climax of the workout, with Scotty telling the girls, and I quote, “I NEED SOME SEX!” This leads to not one, but TWO girls straddling him, as he works on his triceps.
Unbelievable you say?
The routine ends the only way it possibly can:
The girls leaving holding hands…
…with Scott beaming in an absolutely giddy manner about doing such a good job.
Who can blame him?
And yeah, just for fun, he flexes one last time.
Because it may be right…and it may be wrong…but at the end of the day, he’s Scott Steiner.
And we’re not!