Long-time WWE fans just can’t catch a break these past few years, especially in the US. First, WWE shut down the Network and moved their catalog to Peacock, which, while initially cheaper, was also next to impossible to use.
Peacock has since updated their prices. (Guess in which direction!)
Then WWE moved Raw to Netflix but lost 90% of the old episodes in the transition.
Now, they’re moving their premium live events, previously available with the Peacock subscription, to the new ESPN Unlimited service priced at $30 a month.
It remains to be seen whether the higher price will translate into better quality events; the trade-off in the streaming era has been that PLEs are “free” but often weaker than a nun’s piss.
Still, it’s important to keep in mind how much better WWE fans have it now than before the Network launch. Back then, WWE used to charge $45 for a pay-per-view no matter its content.
That brings us to the topic of this week’s induction: Santino Marella’s tuxedo match with Ricardo Rodríguez. Two hundred thousand human beings bought 2012’s No Way Out pay-per-view, but I doubt any of them were swayed by the prospect of Ricardo in his skivvies.
The match came about when Santino ripped off Rodríguez’s dress shirt on the previous Raw, revealing a Justin Bieber tee underneath. Exposed as a Belieber, Ricardo stormed off the set mortified.
Keep in mind, this was back when the Beebs was churning out kiddie pop like “Baby” instead of respected, mature hits like “Yummy”.
Naturally, they chose to settle the issue by stripping each other. This being the PG Era, and both competitors being men, the match was played for comedy.
Comedy like Lawler telling Cole that “the suit you’re wearing under the suit you’re wearing now is the worst thing in the world. Your birthday suit. Ugh!”
Comedy like Ricardo Rodríguez attempting—I think—martial arts moves during his entrance…
…then doing the crane pose from The Karate Kid, a movie older than Ricardo himself.
The team of Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Booker T had some questionable commentary, starting with Cole’s analysis. Santino Marella may have been the United States champion…
…but Cole reasoned that Ricardo (presented simply as Alberto Del Río’s bumbling ring announcer) actually had the advantage. After all, he was used to wearing a tuxedo.
Still, that’s better insight than we’d get from Booker T, who thought the objective was to strip your opponent totally naked.
The match began with a pose-down, which Santino won handily.
At this point, an impatient Lawler urged Ricardo to just strip Santino already. Admittedly, this didn’t come off nearly as horny as it does in writing.
Strip they did, piece by piece, until Santino Marella slapped Ricardo and made him cry.
Santino then dropped him on his bottom and pee-pee…
…then stole his jacket and played bullfighter with it. Despite the jacket being held together by two threads…
…it was vital that Ricardo get it back, even if it meant falling out of the ring.
In a match where the goal was to strip your opponent, the most revealing part was actually when Ricardo lost his shoes—
—Santino grabbed Ricardo’s loafer, sniffed it, then threw it away. And none of the announcers found this behavior strange. In fact, the punchline was that Ricardo’s feet stunk, rather than that Santino Marella was a shoe-sniffer.
Santino did the same with the other shoe, and the commentators let it slide like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Ricardo wound up shirtless, leading Jerry to wonder where his Justin Bieber shirt was. “You can’t wear that under a tuxedo”, replied Cole, rightly. I mean, how dumb would WWE have to think its viewers were?
Santino then put on his cobra sock, but Ricardo avoided certain doom by stealing it away and throwing it into the audience.
Ricardo finally went on the offensive, going after Santino’s trousers. After removing the shoes (which he didn’t sniff)…
…Ricardo pulled off Santino Marella’s pants.
And that’s when we saw Santino’s other cobra.
By which I mean, another green sock.
The announcers couldn’t believe it. A sock? On Santino’s foot?
“I’ve heard of spitting cobras,” said Cole. “That’s a stinky cobra!”
One kick from Santino Marella’s cobra-clad foot, and Ricardo was done-for. Santino ripped off Ricardo’s pants, and the match was mercifully over.
Rodríguez now faced an even bigger humiliation: not only was he shirtless and pants-less, but his tighty-whiteys had Alberto Del Río’s face on them.
“I’ve heard of Underoos,” said Cole. “They’re Del Río-oos!”
Del Río-oos.
Ricardo scurried away in his giant-ass briefs…
…but Santino Marella, breaking tradition from the stripper matches of the 2000s, did not take off his own clothes to send the fans away happy.