When MTV first hit airwaves, I was a plucky twelve year old kid, and while I wasn’t around on day one for the initial broadcast, you can bet I spent hours upon hours with my eyeballs stapled to the set. Those early days…man, those were some good times. It’s there that I learned that I had but one goal in life, with “I want to be SIMON LEBON!” being my first ever-catchphrase.
Can you believe that didn’t catch on?
Simon rocked it, especially in that white leather jacket he sported in The Reflex.
In fact, he rocked it, ROCKED IT I SAY, so unbelievably hard that I literally begged my Mom to get me a similar jacket. And because she loved her son for whatever reason, she went to the mall and asked folks at various stores to help her find one.
She never did.
But simply being willing to go to clerks and ask for something so unbelievably absurd (“See my fat kid over there? Can you get him a white leather jacket? He thinks it will turn him into the Rio guy or something”) is something that I remember vividly now, well over 30 years later. I mean, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can tell you it was right before I entered my freshman year of high school (I wanted so bad to wear that in the first day of fall!) and I was at Northgate Mall in Cincinnati when she attempted said purchase. And I’ll always think she was the greatest mom ever just for trying to get it for me.
THAT is the kinda impact MTV made on my life.
Over the years, the network determined that just showing videos for 24 hours straight, day after day, year after year, wasn’t really something that was going to be feasible long term. Whether that is right or wrong is all up to who you want to listen to, but over the years, MTV came up with some great stuff, goofball shows like Beavis and Butthead and Remote Control, which introduced Blade to his life long love, Kari Wuhrer.
Hair like that needs to come back IMMEDIATELY.
MTV of course also had a history with pro wresting, being the location for the initial Cyndi Lauper/Lou Albano altercations. I want to say that was likely my first real introduction to pro wrestling, and while I didn’t jump onboard fully with the WWF at that moment as a massive time drain on my life, it certainly got things moving in that direction. Consider it a gateway drug.
SPEAKING OF drugs (because whoever came up with what we’re about to discuss was obviously hepped up on goofball), let’s jump right into today’s induction – WCW BEACHBRAWL!
If you’ve never heard of this event, don’t you worry! That’s what old Uncle RD is here for, to introduce you to absurd wrestling matches and characters that you never ever wanted to even know about it. It’s a lot harder to find obscure crap than it was in WrestleCrap’s early days (when folks geeked out over a couple of screen grabs of the Shockmaster falling through a wall that a grabbed off a third hand VHS copy), but thanks to fine friends of the site such as Karlifornia Infiri on Facebook, I can still deliver such nonsense.
Nonsense such as WCW Wrestlers Battling for the KING OF THE BEACH CROWN!
And yessir, it’s WCW in the Nitro Nineties, and you know what that means!
THE NITRO GIRLS!
And it must have been during budget cuts, as we only get three of them.
On the plus side, they appear to be doing the funky chicken.
YOU GO GIRLS! CLUCK YOUR HEARTS OUT!
Over to the broadcast booth we go, and we are introduced to our commentators for the evening. Those of you expecting Tony Schiavone, Larry Z, Bobby Heenan or any of the rest of the normal crew are in for a shock, as we get the trio of…
Raven, Jimmy Hart, and KID ROCK!
Did Dusty Rhodes drag his old Battle Bowl Lethal Lottery Randomizer out of the mothballs to come up with this threesome?
Rock takes the lead commentator role, explaining that in mere moments, six of the fastest, most high flying tough guy wrestlers are going to get in the ring for a battle royale (“with cheese!” Raven adds). He further tells us that the winner is going to be “the last mean mother…” standing when the music stops. Before my mind could properly calibrate the awesomeness of Alex Wright and Disco Inferno in a no holds barred battle of musical chairs, Jimmy Hart introduces us to Fear Factory, a musical group who will be playing various songs while this pro wrestling match is taking place.
Well, that’s RD Reynolds’ version: “a musical group who will be playing various songs while this pro wrestling match is taking place.”
Kid Rock’s version was I think a bit more hip: “we got a slammin’ band who is going to lay down a beat while the wrestlers are taking a beatin’.”
Silver tongued antics like that are why Kid Rock once fornicated with Pamela Anderson while I never did.
Jimmy explains just what is on the line in this encounter, the coveted Beach Brawl trophy, which is right up there with the Bill Fralic Memorial Award (for the winner of the WrestleCrap Fantasy Football League) in the worst designed mementos in history field. Jimmy tosses it to Raven to discuss what it’s like to be in a battle royal, and Raven blathers on about some forgotten Bruce Willis movie before just kinda going silent.
I am not one to cast any aspersions, but I think Scott Levy may just be totally doped up here. Judge for yourself.
Next up we get an interview with Fear Factory, the highlight of which is them giving the most noncommittal response to being wrestling fans you have ever, ever heard. This is followed up with the announcer asking the guys who they think is going to win. “Mysterio,” the Mexican looking member proclaims. When quizzed why, he answers as you would expect him to: “because he’s Mexican.”
ONTO THE MATCH!
Kid Rock introduces us to the various combatants as the Nitro Girls paw all over him. Wait a tick…isn’t that Whisper? You know, Shawn Michaels’ wife?
Why it sure is! I’d like to think this is where Shawn first noticed her, on MTV while she was staring at Kid Rock’s junk while he drunkenly mispronounces “hurricanrana.”
Anyway, Rock tells us that the guys in the match will be Chris Jericho, Chavo Jr., Saturn, Hugh Morrus, Rey Mysterio, and Billy Kidman while Raven serenades us with 80s German pop synth karaoke.
What? You thought I was making that up just to see if you were still paying attention?
Next you’re probably going to think I am making up him telling us how sexy Perry Saturn is or about when the first time he met Chavo they were shopping for underwear at Goodwill. (I’d also point out that Jimmy Hart thought that Chavo and Eddie were brothers, but seriously, that’s like the last of the issues we’re facing today.)
Again, I think ol’ Scotty may just be a bit tanked.
Finally…finally…it’s time for this pro wrestling match to begin.
Wait, sorry, that’s my lingo again.
Kid Rock: “Ok, Fear Factory, make like Jenna Jameson’s in front of you and hit it!”
Maybe I was wrong earlier and it wasn’t Shawn Michaels watching this but rather Tito Ortiz?
Nearly immediately, we get high spots a plenty as Fear Factory plays a delightful ditty (read: screams unintelligibly into their microphones). The most comical part is Jimmy attempting to call the action like a normal match while all this insanity is going on. Pretty obvious that someone decided this was likely to get completely out of hand so they optioned in the poor Mouth as the chaperone.
And honestly, it’s less a match and more a video game. Like, remember the first time you played WCW vs nWo World Tour’s battle royal mode with your buddy’s in four player action? And you just kept running around doing flips and hitting Hogan with a power bomb 45 time in a row as you had thrash metal playing on your CD player?
Same thing here.
And probably like Raven here, you probably also got bored at some point and asked your buddies what you were really going to do that night to have fun instead of wasting your life with this crap.
Except, you know, you were talking to Phil from your accounting class and not Kid Rock.
The match comes to a merciful end with Jericho eliminating Rey for the win as Fear Factory continues blaring with no end in sight. If you are wondering why I don’t have a fancy animated GIF of the finish, well, Rey crotching himself on the top rope then kinda falling out of the ring didn’t seem worthy of my precious bandwidth.
So Jericho gets the award from, as Chris calls him, “Rock Kid” and then starts to go into a fantastic victory speech about Martha Quinn and Adam Curry. I’m not sure if these tears I have right now are from me laughing so hard at that joke or the sudden realization that no one in 1999 probably got that joke, let alone now, 17 years later. Man I am old.
And lest you be worried that a trophy in wrestling could be presented without being destroyed…
…Saturn shows back up to not only demolish it but also throw it into the ocean.
Sadly Jericho doesn’t do a big cannonball dive into the water to save it.
Somewhere Kevin Nash was no doubt shaking his head.