May 19…May 19…May 19… Ah yes, back in early 2006, the date May 19 was endlessly pounded into the brain of every WWE fan. At first, it seemed to just be a goofy storyline involving Kane. Little did we know it would lead to something much more sinister. Something evil, something vile, something with no merit. It would lead, of course, to WWE’s first feature film, See No Evil. ![]() If you’re anything like me, you’ve come to hate the day May 19. When I think of it now, I think of it as the darkest day in the rolling year, the anti-Christmas in which Santa came bearing not gifts, but a horrid, putrid movie the likes of which the world should have never known. “As shallow as a toilet bowl and twice as rank as its usual contents,” wrote Nich Schager of Slant Magazine. Thanks, Nich. Couldn’t have said it better. Poor Glen Jacobs. I mean seriously, this was the chance, the chance for both himself and WWE to break out into a new medium. And on paper, it actually sounded somewhat promising, as the idea was for See No Evil to be a horror flick featuring a ruthless killer. And when you look at the WWE roster, well…could you really pick anyone who’d do better? I mean, just look at the guy: ![]() Again, let me reiterate: the setup was perfect: a slasher movie featuring Kane as a villainous murderer. How could this have possibly missed? Too many ways to count, I’m afraid. Let’s get the obvious out of the way before I try to get through the 88 minutes of idiocy before me. First, let’s talk about the “director” of this fiasco. Now you’d think a guy by the name of “Gregory Dark” would be a perfect guy to run such a production. You’d think that until you actually looked at his resume, which consisted of primarily of music videos and porn. You can almost picture it now, can’t you? Vince McMahon punching the clown to a smut film, and thinking, “Holy s***! This is the guy I NEED to direct the first film for WWE!” As disturbing as that is, well…you know, I don’t know that anything is realistically more disturbing than that. I feel somehow wrong for even having written it. I probably should go take a bath before further contaminating my keyboard. Anyway, the cast sucked as well, as the only three that had any real acting credentials in the US are Kane (of course), Christina Vidal, and Michael J. Pagan. Ever seen those names headlining a movie poster? Me neither. Vidal? You might remember her as the cute little kid from Life With Mikey. Ok, you probably don’t. Which means you’re lucky, as it was a stinkbomb made in the midst of Michael J. Fox’s darkest depths of his carer. You know you’re in trouble when your tagline is “He’s a talent agent. She’s a thief. Looks like they’ve already got something in common.” At one point, it was in fact, on the 50 worst movies of all time according to IMDB members. Yes, up there with the likes of Santa with Muscles and Troll 2 and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. When you’re mentioned in the same breath as Superbabies, seriously…how on earth would you ever find work again? Speaking of Baby Geniuses 2…who the hell greenlighted THAT? Like Vidal, Pagan also had his big moment as a child actor as well, starring in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. After that and a few smaller roles, he decided to take a break from acting and go to High School. Well, I can say all I want about Michael, but at least he had the right mind to go to high school and get a diploma. Good call, kid. Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I shall review the movie, which starts in a trailer park, complete with cockroaches. Yes, the very first thing you see after the very first time a WWE Films logo appears on the big screen is a TRAILER PARK. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Anyway, it’s not long before we see a young boy locked up in a cage made of shopping carts. We’re not even one full minute into this film, and I’m more depressed than I may have ever been in my entire life. And it’s not because we live in a country where social services allow parents to keep their kids trapped in a shopping cart cage, but rather because when people steal those carts, honest folks like myself have to pay for it in higher prices. I bet that jar of JIF would only cost like 99 cents if horrible parents weren’t stealing carts to use for cages for their bratty kids. Cue the cops, who come into a house, finding blood all over the walls, and a shrine to Jesus. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking that my Lord and Savior really didn’t want this type of cross-promotion. Especially when the next thing we see is a shot of a girl screaming, he face covered in blood. And then an officer getting an axe to the back of the head by Kane, aka Jacob Goodnight. Actually, we wouldn’t know who he was, because the people responsible for this film decided that it wasn’t important to tell us at all his name and only once saying his name Jacob toward the very end. So if you’re not an IMDB junkie, well, I guess you’d just call him Kane. Or maybe Choppy McAxe. Because he likes to chop things up, you see. For instance, soon enough he lops another officer’s left arm off. Should have got ’em both, because the guy fires off some hot lead right into Kane’s head, which turns back the monster and forces him to retreat. And then, we get the payoff to the initial horror as we get to see the woman’s face. Well, her face with no eyeballs left in the skull. Lovely. It should be noted that as reporters hit the scene, one of them mentions that the surviving officer’s name as Officer Frank Williams. One can only wonder if this was the same Frank Williams who was Roddy Piper’s very first guest on Piper’s Pit. I bet that would make the film more enjoyable, so let’s just pretend that he is. Our erstwhile jobber turned law enforcement agent enters the ambulance which fades to a white drawer with an alarm clock going off. A prosthetic hand comes up and turns the alarm off. This would be the prosthetic hand of Frank Williams, now four years removed from the gruesome crime scene. Then he takes a piss. Seriously, he takes a piss. So let me get this straight, this bonehead director cuts the only scene that mentions Jacob Goodnight by name, but keeps in the part with the one-armed man taking a leak? Anyway, we soon someone – though we don’t know who – looking at a newspaper that talks about Frank Williams getting a new job with the police as a helper of troubled youths. And when we say “troubled youths”, we mean it; these are convicts at the county detention center. In fact, let’s have a roll call.
So, umm, yeah, this movie sucked. Still, I am longing for a sequel. Why, you ask? Because before the film became See No Evil, the working title was, no joke, Eye Scream Man. Seriously, Eye Scream Man. Come on WWE…I need See No Evil 2: Eye Scream Man on the marquee at the Showplace 16. |