Over the years, at times, I’ve felt as though I’m running out of material on this here site. Generally when I feel that way, I then get a flood of requests for things I either a) never saw; b) don’t remember; or more often c) saw, thought “Man that was atrocious and I never ever ever want to even think about it again.” Around Christmas time is when it gets really tough: while there are no shortage of bad yuletide flicks to blast for the annual non-wrestling induction, actual in-ring Christmas absurdity is much harder to come by. There’s only one Xanta Klaus, you know!
But then…then I see the image up above, and all is right with the world.
God bless you, ODB.
God bless you in your goofy hat with pointy elf ears, and God bless your flask covered in wrapping paper.
You, dear girl, make the season right, even on a show that featured yet another train wreck, the Silent Night, Bloody Night Match, which we inducted a couple years back (and which is now up in the Classic Crap section). One day, if I’m feeling particularly rambunctious, I may even induct the bit on the show where AJ Styles had to dress up like a reindeer.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves! Instead, let’s focus on the buffoonery before us, namely the first ever Santa’s Workshop Knockout Street Fight Match.
And if that doesn’t sound festive, I don’t know what does!
So yeah, let’s see who’s participating in these festivities. Natch, we’ve got ODB, and as should be the case, she is the first to be introduced.
I know I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating: this woman is fantastic in every conceivable way, because I totally believe this is how she acts in real life.
I mean, seriously, that image right there tells you all you need to know.
And I don’t care that I used it in last year’s Santa Buddies induction.
How can this woman not be the face of not just TNA, not just WWE, but of all televised entertainment?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
Nice hat by the way.
Up next we get Roxxi Laveux. Remember her? The voodoo chick who wiggled and wormed all over the place? That was all kinds of awful. If you ever wanted to send me hate mail for being a slacker, “No Roxxi Laveaux induction? You suck, Deal!” would be an appropriate subject line.
I should also note that Mike Tenay informs us she’s carrying a voodoo doll of Frosty the Snowman. I’m really glad he explained it, because in the horrible lighting, I thought for sure it was a dildo.
A voodoo dildo.
Yeah, I don’t know what that would be either, but I pity the poor vagina (or umm “other” body cavity) that it would curse.
Then we get Ms. Jackie Moore, (apparently known at the time of the match as the “Pride of Tennessee”, which is right up there with “The Big Nasty” on the list of shortest-lived nicknames in pro wrestling history)…
…and Traci Brooks, who stops to kiss some dork on the way to the ring.
Said dork celebrates this by giving a thumbs up.
A THUMBS UP!
Maybe I’m just not a romantic, but I’ve never reacted to a kiss in such a manner.
Awesome Kong shows up next…
…followed by Angelina Love, who is apparently laughing at Velvet Sky’s “Look at me, I’m a blow up doll” facial.
Can’t blame her – that is pretty funny.
Finally, we get Gail Kim, who was at the time involved in a killer feud with Kong at the time. In fact, it was so great, I cannot fathom that TNA actually put these two in such a low rent match like this.
Apparently, they couldn’t fathom it either, as both immediately jumped out of the ring and brawled to the back.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the ring apron is promoting something called “The History of TNA, Year 1”. Granted, I’m no historian, but I remember the early days of this company, and believe me, that’s not something I would entire anyone to buy.
(And just to show MY holiday spirit, here’s a bonus gift – the Classic Crap version of TNA, Year 1.
Feliz Navidad and all that jazz!).
Back in the ring, pretty much nothing happens.
This lack of action generates a THIS IS AWESOME chant by the geeks in the Impact Zone.
Yeah, geek, I’m talking about YOU.
And so we get the standard hair pulling, choking, and horrible punches we get in all women’s matches these days. Leave it to ODB to save the day by putting the toy box on top of Angelina…
…then climbing on top of it to celebrate in a manner most fantastic.
NOW you can do your chant.
And I’m sorry I called you a geek.
So Velvet rescues Angelina, and Angelina promptly proceeds to ram her box into ODB’s anus.
Although I was simply describing the action, that sentence came out much lewder than I expected.
Velvet then goes after Traci, slapping her on the fanny, an ancient fighting technique known as SPANK ACTION.
Don’t yell at me, I’m just quoting Don West!
Before too much more lunacy can take place, Kong makes her way back to the ring.
You know what would have made her the greatest heel ever?
If she had beaten up that tree standing beside her.
I mean the thing was RIGHT THERE and just asking for it.
So she comes in and lays waste to everyone in her path, pausing only to watch Roxxi do her goofy dance…
…which she reacts to by punching her right in the face.
I’ll teach you what awesome is yet, kid.
And the match ends as it should end: with Kong powerbombing Christy Hemme’s white granny panties right through the mat.
Sadly Christy’s plan of using a stuffed animal to break her fall fails.
I bet that bear being out of position caused Dave Meltzer to take a half star off his rating.
Wait, that’s not the end of the match.
Instead, Gail comes back into the ring and hits Kong in the head with a chair shot that would make Masato Tanaka cower in fear.
That’s not very Christmassy!
Wait, what was I saying about running out of potential Christmas wrestling inductions?
As long as TNA is around, I think I have zero to worry about.