I remember it like it was yesterday.
I hadn’t been living in Indianapolis for very long, and had very few friends. While working at a market research phone center, I met a guy named Casey. I thought he was pretty funny and liked chatting with him at lunch time. One day, just goofing off, I came at him with a clothesline. He looked at me bright eyed and smiling, and exclaimed, “Like the Hulkster!” I had no idea before that he was a wrestling fan and our friendship immediately took on new meaning.
We’ve been friends ever since. We’ve vacationed together, been in each other’s weddings, even got into the wrestling ring together. He’s like a brother to me. I’m very blessed to have him in my life.
When I think back on our exploits, for whatever reason I often think of a random trip to Karma Records. I am not sure if Karma was a chain outside of the Indianapolis market, but inside I-465, it was a major deal. They obviously sold vinyl, but also videos, shirts, you name it. They were also a Ticketmaster location back when you had to venture out and stand in line to get seats for events, and often, WCW would send their stars to Ticketmasters when a show was coming to town. It was the first place I ever met Bobby Heenan, so that was huge for me too.
This day, however, we were going to Karma for a different reason – Casey was adamant about picking up a new CD he’d heard about. This one:
Casey was so excited. The guy behind the counter selling it? Not so much. In fact, he told Casey, “You are buying THAT? We had to listen to it the other day and it is the single worst album I’ve ever heard.” Undeterred, Casey bought it and we ran out to his truck so we could put it in and crank the tunes.
In hindsight, of course, the guy at Karma was right. From a musical standpoint, this thing is bottom of the barrel stuff. I inducted the whole thing years ago, but that’s not why we are here today. No no. Instead, I want to do a deep dive of the music video of the title track. I’ve done this before with Piledriver – if you don’t recall, you can check that out by clicking rightchere.
Enough backstory, time to dive in. But before I do, a word of warning. I’ve put together a ton of animated GIFs for this induction…and they are so strobe-y and insane I feel I need to offer the following disclaimer:
Ok, I feel as though I may now proceed.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is WRESTLEMANIA!!!
And we don’t even get ten seconds into the song before it goes COMPLETELY off the rails, with someone asking if we were ready for the Survivor Series.
On the song WrestleMania.
Amazingly, it would be over a QUARTER OF A CENTURY before we would find out who that mystery voice was. Naturally it was WWF mainstay…
….Jimmy Garvin. Pretty sure this is the first and only time ever appeared on WWF television. And he was not featured at all in the music video, just his voice was. You know who was plastered all over the video though?
Yes, Mean Gene who randomly appears to ask “Who will survive?”
It carries nearly the same cinematic nuance as when the disembodied head slides in and yells “TOASTY” in Mortal Kombat.
Finally we get past the completely random Survivor Series references and we are alerted this is WrestleMania.
Alerted with all the subtlety of a nitroglycerin fueled bulldozer smashing into the side of your house.
I didn’t fast forward the clip to make the GIF or anything of the like.
Watch the spotlights – they are running at normal speed. This is exactly what was shown.
What follows is somehow even more insane, as Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan are electrocuted for the viewer’s amusement:
You’ll find I am joking about 0% of what this video is presenting.
I have no idea why the Prime Time hosts are being presented in such a manner. One thing I do know, though:
How Bart felt when he downed that all syrup Squishy.
Next we get some time lapse footage of a wrestling ring being constructed. Sadly they don’t zoom in- I’d love to have video evidence to show how the apron is in fact the hardest part of the ring.
I’ve always questioned that.
Now we get THIS again, only with 93 on there.
I feel like I should probably bite down on a wallet for the remainder of this induction. I’d advise you do the same.
This video already has me asking about 10,000 questions, such as…
Why is Papa Shango shooting off a sparkler in a rainbow motion over the ring?
…is it considered patriotic to strobe Jim Duggan directly into my eyeballs?
Again, I am NOT skipping frames or fast forwarding here. This is what you are presented with to watch and somehow presumably enjoy!
I mean, by the time Tatanka (Buffalo) shows up, it’s downright serene and welcomed. Ok, sure there’s whirls of smoke flying all around his noggin, but I attribute that to him sharing a peace pipe with his kimosabe Mr. Fuji.
Can someone let me know if “peace pipe” politically correct in 2020?
How about kimosabe?
Next, Big Bossman shows up behind some Venetian blinds. I try to not remember much about the early to mid 1990s, but I do recall that Venetian blinds were used to convey sexy sultriness in those old Cinemax After Dark shows.
I do not need to see Ray Traylor in such an environment.
Something else I didn’t need – Skinner EATING THE SCREEN.
Making it even more surreal is the fact they randomly spliced in a .000000004 second clip of Lex Luger as the Narcisisst.
I do my best to never swear, but I must ask:
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
When you can’t think it can possibly get even more insane, we get a Nasty Boys solo (or I guess duet) with the following visual:
I DID NOT MAKE THAT GIF TO BE FUNNY.
It’s in the original video.
Just when I am about to give up, we get my favorite wrestler of the era, Bret Hart. I didn’t think I can overstate just how awesome I thought Bret was.
With that said, I don’t need to see him behind Venetian blinds either.
When I saw those on Skinemax, the chicks weren’t kissing belts, I can tells ya that!
On the plus side, it’s not like Bret is breaking out the handcuffs.
Instead, that would be the Bossman who AGAIN starts singing about how he made a vow to become a law enforcement officer.
Wait, aren’t you a wrestler?
I am so confused.
WHO WILL SURVIVE?
Some crappy rap follows, and then we get in-ring footage of the stars (err, sorry SUPERSTARS) of the day. Razor Ramon, Randy Savage, Shawn Michaels, and of course…
I’ll need to check my record books, but pretty sure poor DD never appeared on a WrestleMania.
Which you’d think he would since this song is called WRESTLEMANIA.
Next we get a six panel split screen, which is less artsy and more like some badly designed character select screen on the Playstation. Consider it an updated version of WCW Superbrawl from the SNES.
(Oh – and if you dig such retro gaming crap, please to check out my new Etsy store, What Ganon Is Up To. We specialize in such lunacy printed to high quality coasters! Really, not joking. You can check it out here.)
The video ends with the lighting rigs coming down, the ring getting torn apart, and everyone running for home. Who could blame them?
Before YOU head for home though…wanted to let you know that next week we will be celebrating the 20th anniversary of the launch of WrestleCrap.com! We have something super special planned, and we can’t do it alone. Be sure to check it out!
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