The year is 1985, and Hulk Hogan and Mr. T are about to team up at an event called WrestleMania. (Well, not really—1985 was forty years ago. But I’m using the literary present tense here, so bear with me)
The event, which will be shown around the country at closed-circuit venues, is make or break for the WWF. And so, to maximize ticket sales and Madison Square Garden, Vince McMahon sends his two headliners to do an all-out media blitz in New York City—everything from Good Morning America to Saturday Night Live.
Along the way, Hogan and T will appear on Hot Properties, a live cable TV talk show hosted by Richard Belzer. Hulk and Mister, exhausted from a long Wednesday of workouts and appearances, have to be talked into honoring their scheduled TV date. Hey, one more talk show won’t kill them—though for the host, it’s almost a different story.
Belzer first brings out Mr. T, armed with one of those ThighMasters for your hands…
…and wearing a button with his face on it.
Belzer asks T, a hero to kids, whether he’s setting a good example. Isn’t the violence on the A-Team antithetical to your image?
Mr. T snaps at Belzer for using a big word, but insists kids are smart and know the show is pretend.
“Yes, the show is violent,” admits Mr. T. “I love to kill.” Pretend kill, he means.
The call-in portion goes just as smoothly. The first caller, for instance, wants to know whether Mr. T has a hard time in relationships. This is airing on Lifetime, after all.
Mr. T, of course, refuses to answer because it’s stupid. (His word)
When asked about his history with Hulk Hogan, he refuses not only to break character, but to provide any information whatsoever. Mr. T is here only to work out and to threaten the host and viewers when they get smart with him.
At one point, Mr. T wants to know whether Richard saw Rocky III.
“Do you think I would not see it when you’re going to be a guest here?” retorts the host.
…
…
Belzer then laughs to let Mr. T know he’s joking. These are jokes. He’s a comedian.
Not content to simply stonewall, Mr. T pivots to telling the most obvious bulls**t stories and insisting they’re true. He repeatedly mentions him and Hulk Hogan going to Central park and riding the subway just so they can beat up muggers—even throw rocks at them!—all as part of their training for WrestleMania.
Each time, the audience and the host laugh, and each time, Mr. T cuts them off to tell them he’s serious.
The problem, says Mr. T, is that New York City is full of wimps, not men.
“Let me explain what a wimp is”, offers Mr. T. And even though everyone in the studio knows what “wimp” means (as opposed to, say, antithetical), Belzer plays along.
“Please do”, says the host.
A wimp is a man who gets a woman pregnant but doesn’t protect them from crime—unlike him and Hulk, who have been throwing rocks at muggers all week.
But that’s not the only way wrestlers reduce crime! “If more people would get into wrestling,” Mr. T explains, “that means they wouldn’t have to go home and beat up their wife and kids”.
This gets a chuckle from the audience, which Mr. T again no-sells.
Why is wrestling so popular now? It has always been popular, says T, but that the “bourgeois” types kept their fandom a secret. (By now, Belzer knew not to ask if saying “bourgeois” was antithetical to his image)
***
Following a commercial, Belzer brings out the WWF champion, “the cause of Hulk-mania [sic]”, Hulk Hogan.
To sell the viewers nationwide (and the wimps in New York) on WrestleMania, and to counteract his sourpuss partner…
…Hogan comes in all full of sugar (or some powder substance, at least). It’s okay for the host to be cocky, Hulk says, because Mr. T promised he wouldn’t hurt anyone until WrestleMania.
While I wouldn’t say Belzer has been cocky, it’s true that one of his two guests won’t hurt him. Foreshadowing!
While T has kept mum about his personal life, and his professional life for that matter, Hogan rattles off his partner’s accomplishments. “The dude was an amateur champion in Chicago all three years in high school, man”, gushes Hogan. “Beat everybody in under ten seconds, y’know!”
Hogan tries to keep up his positivity but gets frustrated with Richard Belzer, who doesn’t seem to know the backstory of the WrestleMania match. I mean, why else would a talk show host ask so many questions about it?
Belzer wants to know what kind of vendetta Hulk Hogan and Mr. T have against their opponents. “We have a vendetta against everybody we go up against, man!” snaps Mr. T before remembering he’s not supposed to know what that means. “Hey man, just speak English!”
When asked about how he went from a bad guy to a good guy, Hulk Hogan takes full responsibility:
It was all Freddie Blassie’s fault.
***
It’s at this point that we turn to Hulk’s 2003 autobiography and let the Hulkster tell the story.
See, Richard Belzer starts questioning Hulk Hogan’s manhood and asks Hogan to show his some moves. And this is very nearly true, except that it’s Hulk questioning Richard’s manhood.
Hulk Hogan, as a responsible professional, refuses for Richard’s safety, but the host insists, polling the audience and calling Hulk Hogan a chicken before, Marty McFly-like, he reluctantly agrees.
That’s Hulk’s version of it, at least. In Richard’s version and—more importantly—on the actual video tape, Hogan needs no cajoling and whispers to his partner, “I’ll make him squeal”.
He and the host stroll onto main studio floor while the house band plays a funeral dirge. Hulkster, conscientious as ever, tells Belzer to take his glasses off. After all, if Richard’s glasses break, Hogan might owe him hundreds of dollars!
Belzer wants to see a move he calls the “Camel Crusher”, but Hogan isn’t about to do a move he can’t execute safely.
Instead, he’ll do the most basic of holds, but Richard falls to the floor screaming at the slightest touch.
He’s joking, of course! When he does fall to the floor for real, he won’t even be conscious to scream.
“You just tell me, brother, when you want him to quit squealing“, he says to Mr. T before starting his demonstration. For whatever reason—whether fed up with the host’s gentle comedic pushback or having forgotten that his arms are twice as thick as Belzer’s neck—Hogan decides to shoot.
Locking Belzer’s neck until his head absolutely disappears, Hogan cinches up against his neck, a “crunching” sound from the host’s mic adding some appropriate sound effects.
Richard sticks his hands out, then grabs Hulk’s arms, then goes totally limp.
Mr. T tells Hogan to “keep him there for a little while”. But Hogan has an even worse idea: letting him fall to the floor, where he collapses in a heap and cracks his head against the floor.
Instantly, Mr. T lightens up, assuring the audience that Richard’s just sleeping. It’s a sleeper hold! And sure enough, Belzer starts snoring. That’s a good sign, right?
The Hulkster gives Belzer some light slaps to the face, upon which Richard opens his eyes, clearly in a daze. “See, it worked!” says Hogan excitedly, like he’s just pulled off a magic trick (The only way this “sleeper hold” wouldn’t “work” is if Belzer lapsed into a coma and died).
Belzer then pops up and throws to commercial completely on autopilot. If it weren’t for the blood squirting down the back of his jacket, you’d think everything is fine.
The lights go out symbolically on Mr. T as “The Hulker” [sic] completes his walk of shame back to the desk.
***
Needless to say, the advertised call-in session with Hogan never happens. Instead, a Phil Collins music video plays until the producer improvises a follow-up segment.
Hogan explains, in the most respectful way possible, that Richard Belzer is a pencil-necked geek who would never cut it in pro wrestling.
While Hulk goes catatonic, Mr. T, helpful as ever, jumps in to compare this incident to the time David Schultz slapped John Stossel…
…and basically say Belzer shouldn’t have said wrestling was fake if he didn’t want to get beaten up.
Hogan then chimes in to explain that he really hadn’t wanted to put the hold on in the first place, and that Richard forgot to give a signal like he’d asked. Well, that’s how Hogan explains it in his book, anyway.
Actually, it’s the producer who chimes in to point out that Hogan and Mr. T had given each other a signal to teach Belzer a lesson (or “make him squeal”).
But Mr. T and Hulk have a perfectly good explanation for this: Crippled kids.
Fifty crippled kids.
In wheelchairs!
And sick!
The point is, Hogan and Mr. T only did the show in the first place because they were told there’d be fifty sick, crippled kids in wheelchairs. (In Belzer’s book, this was a demand on Hogan and T’s part, but they didn’t all have to be sick or crippled)
The producer then points out that the show lived up to its end of the bargain, showing the many children in the audience.
Also, says Hulk, Richard shouldn’t have laughed in his face.
Well that didn’t actually happen, notes the producer.
And that’s a wrap.
***
Hulk and Mr. T will continue their media rounds, doing Saturday Night Live before that Sunday’s WrestleMania.
On Hot Properties, however, Belzer will explain that the incident with Hulk Hogan and “Ms. T” (Didn’t I tell you he was a comedian?) was not planned.
He’ll show the viewers his stitches…
…and a clip of the John Stossel incident that Mr. T had so thoughtfully invoked.
Like Stossel, Belzer will sue, seeking $5 million from Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, and the WWF.
In the meantime, Hogan will make a Belzer lookalike crap his pants in No Holds Barred…
…while the real Belzer will turn down a role in Suburban Commando.
Four and a half years after the Front Face Lock from Hell, and with the court date just days away, Hogan and company settle the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum.
Mere months after the settlement, with Hogan applying a front facelock in the main event of WrestleMania VI, Jesse Ventura will bring up the Hot Properties fiasco on commentary.
Speaking of hot properties, Belzer will not only use the Hogan encounter in his stand-up routine…
…but use the settlement money to buy a house in France (calling it, “The Hulk Hogan Arms”).
And the first WrestleMania, despite being a huge success for Vince McMahon and the WWF, will end up losing money for its headliners.