Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it or not, but I am a child of the 1980’s. And if I haven’t…well, to be fair, you’d probably have to be an knuckle dragging mouth breather to have not noticed it. Listen to one episode of WrestleCrap Radio (come on, we really want to break a dozen listeners!), and it becomes patently obvious that my childhood chums were an Atari 800 and a Rubik’s Cube. Heck, even my infatuation with wrestling started out in a very 1980’s way, via the promotion for the inaugural WrestleMania on MTV.
Ah, MTV. Now that there was my first true love, watching hours upon hours of Duran Duran, Madness, and Men Without Hats. Just one look at that lineup and you will correctly infer that I have always, in fact, been a total dork and loser.
Still, even my nerdiness knew its limits. Madonna? Never got into that scene, nor did I ever once think that Spandau Ballet was “hip” in any way, shape, or form. And never once did I wake up before…uh…go going with Wham.
And then there was the oddball case of Cyndi Lauper. Now here was someone you’d think would have an automatic bye into my own personal geekazoid jukebox. Never happened. When you consider that she was hanging out with my new heroes like Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper, well…I guess that says a lot about what my ear canal thought of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
As much as I hate hate HATED that stupid song, she would later perform one far worse. One that was from a movie that I loved – The Goonies. Even more important than the Spielberg tie-in, though, was the fact that the video featured more wrestlers than your average episode of WWF Superstars.
Thus the reason it’s featured here today on wrestlecrap.com and not on wowdoesthissongandorvideosuckballs.com.
Although, the intro scene, featuring the image of Captain Lou Albano staring at one-eyed Uncle Remus version of himself in a giant wall mural just might be case enough for him to appear on both sites.
The story goes thusly: Cyndi and her pop (Captain Lou) have a gas station that is about to get shut down thanks to “those no good cheating creditors.”
The irony of the situation is that Great Great Grandpappy One-Eyed Peg Leg Lou Albano has treasures a plenty, but like any good one-eyed peg leg, he’s hidden them.
Hey, if my grandkids were Captain Lou and Cyndi Lauper, I’d probably smelt down every last dubloon and chuck ’em into the sea.
Hey look! Customers!
And who better to greet them than WWF women’s champion Wendi Richter, who is outside the gas station selling produce.
Heck, that might have been her real job at this point for all I know, as she was strong armed behind the scenes and canned right around the time this video was shot.
Back to the video, as the “customers” hop out of their limo, revealing themselves to be the nogoodnik squad of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (dressed like he’s going to a wedding), “Classy” Freddy Blassie (dressed like he’s going to The Sands), and the Iron Sheik (dressed like he just got down humbling a camel in the old country way).
Sheik tells the Albano clan that their gas station is now his “popurty“, and Piper punctutes that statement by telling them to hit the bricks.
Just when you think life could not possibly get any better, the Fabulous Moolah drives by in a pick up truck. And in the bed of that truck is, naturally…
NIKOLAI VOLKOFF MILKING A GIANT PLASTIC COW.
Please, don’t ask me to explain that one. Instead, let us just move along to the whole crux of the video, which is that Cyndi has found a hidden cave (which we know is such thanks to an arrow and the word “HIDDEN CAVE”) and decides to head into the darkness.
What a nice kid – her dad is headed for debtor’s prison, and she decides its time to do some spur of the moment SPELUNKING.
But hey, her trip down the earth hole isn’t all for naught, as she runs headfirst into…
The crew greets their new friend with a TREASURE MAP to Peg Leg’s hidden bounty.
We then proceed to get about 60 seconds of clips from the movie, none of which feature Cyndi Lauper or Nikolai Volkoff squeezing a pseudo bovine teet.
Soon enough, though, we’re back to matters at hand – namely, Piper, Sheik, and Volkoff dressed up as pirates and hunting down our heroes.
I’d ask why the bad guys are suddenly pirates, but…
…then I’d probably also need to explain why, in the middle of the cave, there’s a Benihana and for that I have no explanation.
Don’t be disappointed, friends. I admit I’m usually a fairly clever guy when it comes to just making up crap out of the blue, but not today.
Do you know why I’m not today?
Do you REALLY want to know?
I know what you’re thinking, kids. “Oh, RD, that little snippet’s not that bad. I’m sure the rest of the song is ok.”
But it’s not. You see, that little clip is basically the whole damn song. Just take that 30 second clip, and loop it for four minutes straight.
That same refrain over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Good luck getting that pile of crap out of your head. I’ve been trying – and failing – for the past twenty-two years.
So Cyndi gets trapped on a rope bridge as the song mercifully fades out. As for Cyndi, no idea what happens to here. Maybe she drowns, who knows. She deserves far worse for that song.
All I know is that I will now bow down and be thankful that my torture is over.
Cue one last close up of Cyndi screaming for help, begging anyone to help. Steven Spielberg, are you listening?
Awwww dammit! He is!
His advice for Cyndi?
Quote: “I don’t know.”
Ok, I totally forgive you for War of the Worlds.
And best of all, like I said, this stupid video is over. Man, the things I put up with for you guys.
Wait a minute…what the heck is THIS?
NO NO NO!
I totally forgot – this was a TWO PART VIDEO. They showed the first part of it, then teased for you to watch the conclusion later.
And it contained the exact same annoying ass song throughout them both!
So Cyndi and the Goonies get captured and put on the pirate ship, where she is attacked by an octopus.
Hey Calamari! Can you wrap your tentacles around me ears until this damn thing is REALLY over?
Cyndi and the kids escape, find Pappy’s treasure, and…
…take it right to the Blassie and Sheik to pay them off.
The two will have none of it, however. deciding they’d rather have a dilapidated gas station than gazillions of dollars.
Note to self: never have Sheik & Fred Blassie handle my personal finances.
Just as things look most bleak, across the parking lot appears a GIANT PINK CLOUD, which produces…
ANDRE THE GIANT!
The Eighth Wonder of the World promptly pummels Sheik, Volkoff, Piper, and Blassie.
No word if the plastic cow escaped Andre’s meaty mitts.
So everyone sang and danced and lived happily ever after.
You can too…unless you dare click this link!