For those who doubt the egomaniacal tendencies of one Hulk Hogan, I submit this fiasco as ever lasting proof that Terry Bollea is, indeed, what we here at WrestleCrap claim him to be. Deciding early in 1996 that his run in WCW wasn’t the success the company needed it to be, Hogan was able to convince the booking crew that what he really needed was to look MORE invincible – this after humiliating and “retiring” Ric Flair, making Vader look like a pansy (and pretty much doing irreparable harm to Leon White’s career), and bringing the Four Horsemen literally to their knees.
So, WCW being WCW, he was naturally granted his wish, and thus came Uncensored 1996 – the Doomsday Cage Match.
What? You’ve never heard of such a thing? Well, that’s probably because after this disaster, WCW retired the triple decker cage and it was never heard of again (although to be fair, the Ready to Rumble Cage bears a striking – or is that stinking? – resemblence).
So we had Hogan and his on-again, off-again buddy Randy Savage taking on no less than EIGHT men – Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, The Barbarian, Lex Luger, Kevin Sullivan, The Ultimate Solution, Z-Gangsta, and Meng (who, in a stroke of genius by ring announcer Michael Buffer, was given the worst ‘hometown’ ever – well, arguably worse than WCW Special Forces).
Now you’re probably wondering just who the heck Ultimate Solution and Z-Gangsta (or Z-GangSTER, as the announce crew called him) are…and you would still be wondering that as the match started, as they were nowhere to be found. Sit tight, we’ll get to them in a minute.
The opening segment of the match saw Savage and Hogan obliterate Flair and Anderson in the top cage…
…and then throwing powder (POWDER?! Sheesh, did we time warp back to 1985 or something?) into their eyes and escape into the second cage.
They then brutalized Luger, Sullivan, Barbarian, and Meng, and Hogan locked them in another part of the cage – or at least tried to (while Barby and the Menger acted helpless).
Yes, it was a two on EIGHT match, but that didn’t stop Savage and Hogan from no-selling the entire match!
That is until…
…Jeep Swenson (who starred in the horrific ‘Batman & Robin’ as Bane) came down and attacked Hogan. Now why Hogan would sell for an actor but none of the wrestlers is a bit perplexing, but hey, it is Hogan we’re talking about.
A funny (well, more like pathetic and insulting) aside about Swenson’s character: in the days leading up to the match, he was known as the Final Solution.
Apparently, someone from the Jewish faith must have clued them in that maybe, just MAYBE, that wasn’t the greatest ring name in the world, since it was also a code word of sorts for Hitler’s plan to exterminate the Jews during the 1930’s and 40’s.
So he was re-re-named the Ultimate Solution, which, of course, didn’t change the fact that the guy still sucked.
And then, as if this match wasn’t painful enough, out comes Zeus! That’s right, Hogan’s old nemesis from No Holds Barred got involved.
Yeah, THAT’ll put asses in seats.
Just when things looked bleakest for our hapless heroes, out comes the Booty Man with…FRYING PANS! Hogan and Savage regained the upper hand…
…but Lex Luger put on a “loaded” glove.
Yes, folks, it’s cutting edge booking like this that made WCW number 1!
Anyway, Luger missed Hogan and hit Flair. Savage then pinned Flair to end one of the most painful experiences of this reviewer’s life.
To sum up:
– Hogan and Savage beat up 8 guys
– In a match containing two actors (and don’t write me about Jeep Swenson’s glory days in World Class), it was Ric Flair who did the job
– Foreign objects included a loaded glove, frying pans, and powder
– The return of Zeus
– A guy that was named after one of the most hideous acts against humanity
– The Booty Man makes a run-in
– Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan (God bless his shilling soul) telling us this match was better than the World Series & the Super Bowl
If this isn’t WrestleCrap, I don’t know what is!
Michael Buffer: “From some unknown part of the planet…considered to be one of the toughest men on the earth…Meng!”
Bobby Heenan (in full shill mode): “This is great television history. I’ve never seen a match like this on television. I’ve never seen anything like this. It surpasses the Super Bowl, the World Series, anything you want to name! This is tremendous!”
Tony Shillvoane: “And the only way…fans are watching this on PPV all across the world, and this is why we are number one in PPV all around the world.”