San Antonio, TX – WWE officials have finally revealed the details of the Mountain Dew Pitch Black match between Bray Wyatt and LA Knight.
The unique bout will feature gallons of the grape-flavored soft drink pumped into a custom moat dug around the ring. Much like an Inferno Match, the competition will only end when one wrestler rolls their opponent into the liquid. To add a sense of danger, the Pitch Black will be at room temperature.
“The Pitch Black match is no joke,” said Triple H while packing up his office. “The amount of sugar content alone can cause tooth decay, high blood pressure, kidney stones, and diabetes. Add in all those bubbles and just the yuckiness of warm soda and you’ve got a recipe for pain. Plus, can you imagine getting all that up your nose? Ugh.”
WWE is encouraging fans in the first 5 rows to wear ponchos and to bring straws for the product placement showdown.
Both Knight and Wyatt reacted to the announcement.
“You big dummies,” said LA Knight incredulously about the match. “Hot soda? Everyone’s shoes will get all sticky. When they walk it’ll make the weird sound. And how do you not get Vin Diesel as special guest referee? Haven’t any of you ding dongs seen The Chronicles Of Riddick?”
As for the bout itself, Knight remained confident.
“I don’t care if it’s Bray Wyatt or Uncle Howdy Doody or Professor Pigknuckle. I will drown all their asses in the refreshing purpley taste of Mountain Dew Pitch Black. Yeah!”
Wyatt was much more cryptic about the match.
“LA Knight claims to want to ‘Do The Dew’, but he is extremely in over his head,” said Wyatt holding a bottle of Mountain Dew directly in front of the camera. “I am a Livewire and in two weeks at the Royal Rumble a Spark will ignite. It will be Code Red for LA. I will use my VooDew to send a Fruit Quake throughout the WWE Universe. Ummm…Major Melon!”