Atlanta, GA – After weeks of speculation, WWE revealed that Linda McMahon was the surprise contained within the giant mystery box.
The former WWE CEO emerged from her coffin within the box at Elimination Chamber this past weekend. Initial fan excitement was followed by confused disappointment. The Chicago crowd fell silent as McMahon carefully read a prepared statement.
“Hello, WWE Universe,” said McMahon flatly. “I am here to tell you about Wrestlemania and also the evils of a public education.”
Linda McMahon, who currently serves as the United States Secretary of Education for some reason, made exaggerated cutting motions with her fingers while talking about cutting through governmental red tape.
“We’re slicing bureaucracy, improving lives, and giving every student lots of A1,” McMahon blandly stated. “Everyone who purchases a ticket to this year’s Wrestlemania gets one charter school voucher. No free lunches. No after-school programs. Bring money.”
The disappointing reveal was universally panned by fans, critics, politicos, and WWE employees.
“Anything that comes out of a box is over,” sighed Raw General Manager Adam Pearce. “We’re so, so over.”