Headlies: Wrestlemania Moved To The Impact Zone

9 Submitted by on Mon, 16 March 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and restricted travel, WWE has been forced to change locations for Wrestlemania 36 to the Impact Zone.

Originally, the “Showcase Of The Immortals” was take place at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on April 5th. City officials were unwilling to continue hosting the event, so WWE had to look for an alternate venue. While many considered the Performance Center, home to recent tapings of Smackdown and Raw, WWE officials were able to secure TNA’s former home, the Impact Zone.

At a press conference this morning from the empty studio, WWE CEO Vince McMahon announced the new location for Wrestlemania.

“As they say, ‘the show must go on’ and we owe the WWE Universe the best show possible,” said McMahon. “Luckily, our very own Kevin Dunn found this venue which will serve our needs perfectly. Atta boy, Kevin!”

McMahon then slapped WWE’s producer hard on the back.

“What was this studio used for previously?” asked one reporter.

“From what I understand, there used to be a program named, uh, ‘Tina Impact’. Am I saying that correctly?” asked McMahon with a shrug. “Must’ve been some sort of lady action show. Stephanie tells me those are a thing now. Since then, a few Universal Studio events and not much else.”

“Are there any problems this venue may pose for you?” asked another reporter.

“It will certainly be an adjustment from the spectacle that is Wrestlemania,” said McMahon. “The city of Orlando won’t let us cut off the roof the building, so no pyro. Less elaborate promos. No 20-minute Undertaker entrance. While there are some set backs, we will persevere.”

Dunn then whispered something into McMahon’s ear.

“Oh, that’s right,” laughed McMahon. “Apparently, there’s some sort of creepy organ music playing beneath the building. We think it’s coming from the sewers. The janitor claims it was a former occupant who went mad after her show ended and has not been seen since, but that’s probably just nonsense. Nothing will stop Wrestlemania! In fact, nothing will stop WWE!”

Deep beneath the Impact Zone, a shadowy figure played an ominous tune on a pipe organ. Red hair covering her voice, the mysterious musician cackled “Oh, nothing can stop Wrestlemania? We’ll see what the Wheel Of Dixie has to say about that, ya’ll! Muhahahahaha!”

The wheel, clacking loudly, landed on Knockouts Pillow Fight.

“Aw, dang it,” said the secretive figure. “Screw this, I’m going to Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
9 Responses to "Headlies: Wrestlemania Moved To The Impact Zone"
  1. Matt says:

    This is way too mean but funny.

  2. John C says:

    Why not have it at casa de McMahon? Linda-Tron 5000 can makeup some goodies for a bake sale with proceeds going to The House For Wayward Football Leagues.

  3. Derek says:

    I would not be surprised TBH

  4. Raven says:

    “What’s RasslinMadness doing in Impact Zone?”

  5. Sean O says:

    Was this posted before or after the announcement that it was moved to the performance center? 😛

  6. Doc 902714 says:

    Guess the AWA’s PINK arena wasn’t available.

  7. El J says:

    With Trump’s ruling of there being no events with more than 10 people in attendance the only place more suited to hosting wrestling events of that size are Impact house shows.

  8. Hulk6785 says:

    Funny enough, this is basically what has happened.

  9. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Vince McMahon, the senile Chairman of WWE, is warming to Wrestlemania at the Performance Center. He plans to let 10 “fans” in. These “fans” will be 10 Roman Reigns supporters who will wear Roman Reigns t-shirts and hold Roman Reigns signs in support of their hero. When less-Vince friendly performers are in the ring, the “fans” will start chanting “we want Roman” and “Roman Reigns” whilst they are expected to tell Owens and Rollins they both “suck” during their bout. When Roman has what Vince expects to be an 11-star classic with Goldberg, the crowd will react in awe and explode in pleasure when Roman wins the title. He is confident that once again Roman will have a great main event and the best received bout on the entire Wrestlemania card.

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