Headlies: “The Wizard” Chris Jericho Found Guilty Of Witchcraft

0 Submitted by on Mon, 09 May 2022, 08:00

Salem, MA – AEW Superstar Chris Jericho was found guilty of practicing witchcraft during a trial this past weekend. Judge John Hathorne V, a direct descendent of one of the justices from the Salem witch trials, presided over the case.

“Mr. Jericho, you have been accused of practicing witchcraft,” announced Hathorne with a bang of his gavel. “Your dabbling in the black arts has caused an otherworldly ruckus the likes of which the wrestling community has not seen since Papa Shango. Fiendish acts such as singeing the top of Eddie Kingston’s head with a poorly-thrown fireball and this Jericho Appreciation nonsense are unforgivable crimes. How do you plead?”

“Not guilty, baby!” shouted Jericho obnoxiously.

The trial proceeded for several hours with the court laying out its case. Evidence included Jericho’s ability to put audiences to sleep, physically shapeshifting, and sapping away all the popularity and momentum from his opponents.

Jericho, representing himself, tried to deflect any criticism. Using hearsay, conjecture, and bravado proved to be a fruitless endeavor. Claims of being a “demo god” were objected to and stricken from the record.

Prosecutors suggested that Jericho had put a curse upon the AEW audience causing them to sing along to his theme song “Judas”.

“It’s not me! I swear! It’s Danhausen! Danhausen is the one doing all the cursing!” pleaded Jericho desperately.

“How down you besmirch our beloved Danhausen!” interjected Hathorne. “He is always very nice. He does not believe in cursing and enjoys sacks of money. Danhausen would never do anything evil.”

Jurors only needed a half hour of deliberation to reach their decision. Jericho was found guilty on all counts of witchcraft, wizadry, and practicing black magic. The former AEW champion has been sentenced to be burned at the stake or complete 200 hours of community service and apologize to the family of Ernie Roth. 

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.

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