Headlies: The Three Faces Of Johnny Knoxville Enter The Royal Rumble

0 Submitted by on Mon, 31 January 2022, 08:00

St. Louis, MO – Beloved stuntman and actor Johnny Knoxville surprised the WWE Universe by entering the Royal Rumble not once, not twice, but three times.

With the Rumble in full swing, Knoxville’s Hollywood actor persona entered at number 5. Hollywood Johnny, sporting black hair and sunglasses, sauntered to the ring. Soaking in the adulation from the St. Louis crowd, he approached his nemesis Sami Zayn. Rather than engaging in fisticuffs, Hollywood Johnny began quoting lines from his movies. Fed up with hearing zingers from The Dukes Of Hazard, The Ringer, and We Summon The Darkness, Zayn unceremoniously dumped the actor over the top rope.

Midway through the Rumble, Knoxville’s Bad Grandpa alter ego Irving Zisman entered the fracas. Seeing an old man shuffle towards the ring, Zayn kindly held the ropes open. The act of kindness was met with swift kicks to the crotch by the surprisingly nimble octogenarian. Zisman began biting the “Master Strategist” before sprinkling him with old Werther’s and peppermints. Enjoying his beatdown of Zayn, Zisman lit up a celebratory cigarette. Unfortunately, he also set his sweater on fire. To avoid second degree burns, the old man dove over the top rope, eliminating himself.

Towards the end of the event, the familiar strains of the Jackass theme song rang throughout the arena. An exhausted Zayn looked on in furious anger as the grey-haired Knoxville smiled and waved to the crowd. The two met in the middle of the ring, jaw-jacking and trading insults. Zayn balled up his fist ready to strike when Knoxville shocked Zayn with a cattle prod.

As Zayn writhed on the mat, Knoxville’s Jackass co-stars emerged from beneath the ring. The group of daredevils swarmed the former champion with kicks, punches, and bodily fluids. Dazed and confused, Zayn was placed into a waiting shopping cart while a ramp was set up on the other side of the ring. With a hefty shove, the cart hit the ramp, soaring majestically over the top rope, sending Zayn crashing to the hard ground below.

Celebrating his elimination of Zayn, Knoxville was unaware of the remaining wrestlers amassing behind him. Strapping a faulty rocket to his back, the wrestlers ignited the fuse. The poorly-made device exploded, sending Knoxville over the top rope and finally ending his reign of terror on the WWE.

From his hospital bed, a delirious Knoxville asked “Is Brock Lesnar okay?”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.

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