Headlies: Sammy Guevara Gets His Tongue Stuck To A Pole

2 Submitted by on Mon, 28 December 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Inner Circle member Sammy Guevara needed help from emergency rescue crews this weekend after getting his tongue stuck to a light pole.

The AEW stable, rowdy from partying at Time Out Sports Grill, raised havoc throughout downtown Jacksonville. Signs were knocked over, Ubers were ordered then cancelled, and nurples were purpled.

Teasing and pranks escalated on the unseasonably cold night. The mishap occurred after Guevara was triple-dog-dared by his Inner Circle teammate MJF. Not wanting to be labeled a triple-dog coward, the youngest member of the Inner Circle placed his tongue on the pole. The mixture of moisture and cold metal creating a bond, freezing Guevara’s tongue.

The members of the Inner Circle tried in vain to free Guevara from his icy trap.

“I stared at him for a while,” said Jake Hager.

“Yeah, well I stared at him longer,” said MJF’s manservant, Wardlow.

“We tried punching him and that didn’t work. Then we ran out of ideas,” said Ortiz.

“I yelled at him to sing another chorus to ‘Judas’, but he didn’t listen, like a big stupid idiot” said Chris Jericho, drunk on Trump Vodka and expired Omaha Steaks.

After several hours, firefighters were able to remove Guevara’s tongue from the frozen metal.

“This kind of thing happens more than I’d like to admit,” said local fire chief Alexander Fredrick. “Kids see ‘A Christmas Story’ and try to see if their tongues will stick to metal. Just last week I had to pry Luther’s tongue from the side of a mailbox.”

Guevara is not expected to miss any matches, although his promo time will be limited.

“Thith weewee thuckth,” said Guevara, a cast protecting his tongue. “Wurth kwithmuth evuh.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
2 Responses to "Headlies: Sammy Guevara Gets His Tongue Stuck To A Pole"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    WWE were following events from a distance and have decided that following the incident they will be offering a contract to the pole.

    “It’s got the right look and amount of charisma that we appreciate in a performer,” said Kevin Dunn whilst watching a Barney DVD.

  2. Morgan Wick says:

    *insert your own Vince Russo joke here*

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