Headlies: Police Promise To Maybe Eventually Rescue The Miz

4 Submitted by on Mon, 29 August 2022, 08:00

Toronto, ON – Local authorities have vowed to rescue WWE Superstar The Miz as long as they don’t have anything else going on and if they feel like it.

The former WWE Champion and star of Miz & Mrs was very obviously kidnapped this past Monday by Dexter Lumis. Despite thousands of eyewitnesses and the abduction being caught with multiple high-definition cameras, authority say they have no leads.

“As of this morning, we have not had a chance to review any footage or speak with witnesses about that incident,” said Toronto police chief Bob McKenzie. “Everyone at the station is moving a little slow after a long weekend and the office Keurig is busted. We might close up shop early and try again tomorrow. If we feel like it.”

When asked why more is not being done to rescue the Miz, McKenzie pointed to several departmental problems.

“Ontario Premiere Doug Ford swallowed a bee again, so we’re really short-staffed,” explained McKenzie. “Between that, someone spitting on the sidewalk, and the Maple Leafs blowing it in the playoffs again, we’re stretched too thin. To be honest, no one has officially filed a missing person’s report.”

“He’ll probably turn up sooner or later,” said Miz’s wife Maryse. “Or not,” she shrugged, unconcerned with his husband’s safety.

WWE officials hope that Lumis returns Miz before tonight’s Raw, but have said that it’s okay if he doesn’t.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: Police Promise To Maybe Eventually Rescue The Miz"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    You can’t have an article like this! If you don’t love Miz then you are obviously bitter and jealous (!)

  2. Jerry says:

    Can’t be worse than being eaten by zombies.

  3. Mr. Pelican Pants says:

    If The Miz is being held in the upper sections of Rogers Centre, it’ll be years before he’s found.

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