WWF RAW – Bryce Jordan Center — State College, PA
Tonight’s WWF Raw is on the campus of Penn State University tonight, and for D-X, that means one thing: “College chicks!!!”
Mothers, lock up your daughters! Daughters, cover your drinks! Triple H welcomes us to something called State College University before he and HBK give Undertaker and Kane the “Loser” L (which they get backwards). Shawn pulls his pants down as WWF Raw is War begins.
Too much punch, and not enough chai! It’s the fifth anniversary of WWF Raw, and we start it off with a four-way tag team match in the vein of 1996’s Raw Bowl and 1997’s Superstars Bowl (except it’s one fall). There’s even a football helmet on the announce table.
Plus, the Royal Rumble drawing will take place live tonight, so we’ll know in advance the order of entrants. WWF figures, everyone knows Stone Cold’s winning it this year, so why even bother with surprises at all?
Road Dogg rags on the fans, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and even Joe Paterno. Well, fair enough. And they’re all losers, unlike the Outlaws in their University of Florida shirts. See, the tag team champions cheer for a different set of kids playing football for free.
The Truth Commission, Godwinns, and Head Bangers, all apparently Nittany Lions fans, gang up on the champions (though the title isn’t on the line). The Outlaws tag out, but still get tons of heat from the State College crowd as they make gator motions with their arms.
Billy gets tagged in and must face his old romantic rival Phineas Godwinn. Road Dog interrupts the slop drop; in the confusion, Billy hits Godwinn with a foreign object to win the four-corner match in just over four minutes. In case you were wondering why Russo didn’t book this match under elimination rules…
The Outlaws-LOD feud gets a recap heading into this Sunday’s Royal Rumble. The stock music pieces used include Night Sweat, Hero, and Death Race, the latter two made by the same guy who did the 1994 Superstars theme. While the announcers await the arrival of D-X’s limo, Stone Cold pulls up outside the arena in his pickup truck — the same one you can win in the Royal Rumble sweepstakes.
During the break, Steve Austin delivered stunners to the Godwinns in catering, though cameras weren’t yet rolling. Back live, Austin, back in his truck again, drives through the curtain and comes to the ring for an interview with Michael Cole. After Cole calls him a “marked man”, Stone Cold borrows a pen, rips his shirt open, and draws a target on his chest. The lunatic even throws away the pen! Those things ain’t free, pal. If you say Austin’s a marked man, Stone Cold says, “then you’re full of you-know-what.”
This weekend at Madison Square Garden, fans watched as Steve Austin “cut a promo” (in Kevin Kelly’s words) about MTV’s Celebrity Death Match Death Bowl 1998, which airs during this year’s Super Bowl halftime show.
In the parking lot, D-X’s limo honks at a big semi truck blocking the way. Speaking of big, immobile objects, Kurrgan has a handicap match against Jimmy Cicero and Lance Diamond. Unlike the four-way tag match, this bout is contested under elimination rules. The Jackyl invites himself to the announce table for some “intellectual intercourse”, where he threatens Mike Tyson should he mess with him at the Royal Rumble.
Kurrgan pins the bald jobber with a claw. The bell rings and Kurrgan’s music plays, but the match continues for a few seconds longer. Kurrgan drags the bald guy onto the long-haired guy and pins them both. He then grabs the football helmet from the announce table and tears it clean in half.
With Shawn in the arena and Triple H alone in the limo, Owen Hart climbs onto the roof. The Nugget drops down through the hole in a sort of Chicago sunroof and ambushing the European Champion. Shawn then rushes back into the limo, which drives off.
Marvelous Marc arrives without Sable as Jim Ross suggests Mero has had a change of heart. To explain himself, Marc gets on the mic, which doesn’t work. Nonetheless, he keeps talking until Sable’s music plays. Kevin Kelly hopes “the WWF’s one-two punch” can get back on the same page, but the woman who walks through the curtain is The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust dressed in lingerie. At least Mero’s microphone is working again.
Vader is Mero’s opponent. As expected, The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust gets involved in the match, tripping The Man They Call Vader. The distraction allows The Marvelous One Formerly Known as Johnny B Badd to punch The Balls They Call Vader’s.
Soon, the real Sable arrives, and Mero is confused — wasn’t Sable already at ringside? Sable kicks Goldust and leaves, Vader hits Mero with the Vader Bomb and celebrates, and Goldust takes a coconut out of his bra and hits Vader with it. Vader wins by DQ tonight, but on Sunday he’ll face Goldust.
As WWF Raw goes to commercial, D-X’s limo pulls up again. This time, Chyna, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels all exit, but Owen Hart is nowhere to be found.
The 1-800-COLLECT Slam of the Week is Bam Bam Bigelow’s confrontation with Lawrence Taylor at the 1995 Royal Rumble. It must be a slow week for slams.
Backstage, Vader is found on the floor wearing a trash can as a hat. The announcers say Steve Austin is responsible.
The Nation of Domination (sans Faarooq) come to the ring, as The Rock and D’Lo Brown take on Mark Henry and Ken Shamrock. Two weeks ago, the Nation beat on Henry until Ken Shamrock made the save leading to this match.
Mark Henry comes to the ring to a theme song used, coincidentally, by both Lawrence Taylor and Bam Bam Bigelow. The World’s Strongest Man wears a Rocky Sucks t-shirt, which The Rock implies are for sale. Ken starts the match with Rocky. After tagging out to D’Lo, who softens up Shamrock, Rocky tags back in to pick the scraps and perform the People’s Elbow. Shamrock fights back with a powerslam, huracanrana, and belly-to-belly. When Ken tries the ankle lock, though, Mark Henry clotheslines him.
The Nation’s newest member lays a beating on Shamrock. The Rock rips off Henry’s t-shirt, revealing another shirt reading, “By Any Means Necessary”. Faarooq, standing on stage, has words with Maivia about recruiting a new member without consulting him. It’s like when George Costanza hired Koko the maid to work at Kruger Industrial Smoothing.
A James Bond-like vignette profiles Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Mankind. For one low price of $49.99 ($94.98 in 2023 money), you can buy a t-shirt for each of the three faces of Foley.
Backstage, The Rock tells Faarooq to lighten up and appreciate his great gift to The Nation.
“We’re All Together Now” ushers in WWF Raw’s second hour, the WarZone. D-X comes to the ring for a “major announcement” about The Undertaker’s family; I’m withholding my anticipation until I know it’s not about Chyna’s breasts.
But first, Triple continues his extended toilet metaphor about Owen Hart, then calls him a mere pledge to the world’s greatest fraternity, D-X. Delta Chi, I suppose. And Owen just failed his final. So is this a fraternity or a college course? Stick with the poop analogies, Hunter.
Triple H talks about his pecker a bit before handing the mic to HBK. Michaels issues a warning to Mike Tyson, then slurs a few words about Kane before Owen Hart interrupts him. On the Titantron, sporting a bloody cheek, Owen says he’s not finished with D-X. Wherever D-X left Owen for dead, it apparently has a satellite connection. In fact, he’s just backstage, so he walks through the curtain swinging one of Triple H’s crutches before officials intervene.
Next, the bald Disciples of Apocalypse face Jim Cornette’s newest clients, the Rock ’n’ Roll Express. The guys from Survivor Series ’93? Weird Barbie and Bob Newhart enter to the Rockers’ old music and wrestle as heels; Ricky even scampers over to his corner and hugs Robert when he gets scared. Meanwhile, Jim Ross tells us WWF Raw is War the most-watched wrestling show in the world, once you factor in all the countries that get Raw and not Nitro.
Jim Cornette rushes in to hit one of the Harris brothers with a tennis racket, but the referee catches him and calls for the bell. When 8-Ball corners Corny, Ricky Morton hits him with the racket to the dismay of former NWA announcer Jim Ross. The beatdown continues until Chainz chases the Rock ’n’ Rollers off.
On the WWF Superstar Line, Jim Ross addresses rumors of Hulk Hogan being at the Royal Rumble (which, if you pay $1.49 a minute, you can learn are false).
In Penn State’s football stadium, Cactus Jack speaks about his respect for Terry Funk, who is Chainsaw Charlie. Or so he says. In reality, Terry Funk retired that September, so that’s impossible.
Another friend of Cactus Jack, Mankind, comes to the ring to face TAFKA Goldust. Last seen impersonating Sable, Goldust is now dressed as Dude Love, complete with padded rump. Within seconds, Stone Cole stuns both men. A replay of the entire match then airs after the commercial.
Standing backstage, Vince McMahon discusses his ongoing negotiations with Mike Tyson, who will be a guest at the Royal Rumble and next week on WWF Raw. When fans boo the boss, he feigns confusion.
Sunny, having dressed as a schoolgirl last week, shows up in a cheerleader outfit in some kind of rib on Jerry Lawler. “I’m not embarrassed to be with younger women,” says Lawler. Yeah, except when he drops them off at school. “Except when I drop them off at school”, he continues.
Los Boricuas, who last week on WWF Raw took a bribe from D-X to beat up Owen, face Taka Michinoku and Scott Taylor. Lawler threatens to deport Taka before speculating, along with JR, on who might pick a fight with Mike Tyson. Savio delivers a brutal crucifix powerbomb to Taka, then tags out to Jesús. Taylor takes up the fight but, thanks to Savio’s intervention, falls victim to Jesús’s inverted suplex from the ropes.
The Boricuas pick up the first pinfall in an hour. The four men then gang up on the Light Heavyweights until Owen Hart rushes in and whacks them all with a crutch.
Jerry Lawler invites Sunny to sit on his lap as Jim Ross compares him to Anthony Quinn, the 82-year-old actor who recently married the 34-year-old mother of his two children. The announcers then flash back to LT’s Royal Rumble appearance again as they speculate some more about Tyson.
Speaking of flashing, a woman lifts up her top during D-X’s entrance, which no one noticed at the time or since. In fact, it’s still on the Peacock version.
In yet another 1995 Royal Rumble flashback, tonight’s Twix Rewind is Shawn Michaels’s Rumble victory.
Michaels, whose enunciation has not improved since his promo earlier tonight, introduces Kane as the newest member of D-Generation X. Do you think he’ll wear a green suit? But it’s actually The Undertaker who answers the call and tells him to leave his family out of this. He then goozles Michaels as if to say, “You talk too much”.
Then he goozles Chyna and lifts her up before Hunter hits him with his crutch. Shawn superkicks Taker and beats him with the crutch until Kane very slowly makes the save for his older brother. I guess the Big Green Machine will have to wait a while. The two brothers salute each other as Jerry Lawler declares there will be a new champion at the Royal Rumble.
Tonight’s main event is the Royal Rumble drawing, which kicks off with a brawl between Ken Shamrock and Mark Henry. Honky Tonk Man enters, followed by Cactus Jack, who inspires Jerry Lawler to make his customary Penn State/State Pen joke. Steve Austin’s music hits, but the Rattlesnake sneaks into the ring, stuns Phineas Godwinn, and leaves the rest of the roster to fight amongst themselves. On his way up the ramp, though, he is jumped by The Rock, D’Lo Brown, and — for some reason — Savio Vega, who take him backstage.
Austin’s music hits once more, but it’s a false alarm — he’s still getting beaten up. WWF Raw is out of time, so there will be no Rumble drawing. Next year, they should start before 10:56 PM.