Headlies: Paul Wight Launches Marko Stunt Into The Sun

9 Submitted by on Mon, 01 March 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Newly signed AEW star Paul Wight made a splash this weekend after launching fellow wrestler Marko Stunt into the sun.

Wight, formerly known as The Big Show in WWE, spent his Saturday introducing himself to members of the AEW roster. After reconnecting with old friends and glad-handing management, Wight met Stunt. Rather than shake Wight’s hand, Stunt performed various dances popularized by the video game Fortnite. The lack of respect, multiple shin kicks, and being called a ‘Boomer’ was too much for the giant.

Enraged, Wight grabbed the compact wrestler and balled him up in his massive hands. Kicking open the front doors to Daily’s Place, Wight took a few steps forward, pushed off his back leg, and threw Stunt as hard as possible. Stunned onlookers shielded their eyes as Stunt sailed higher and higher before fading out of sight.

“It really was a once-in-a-lifetime throw,” explained NASA scientist Dr. Zaina Murthi. “Mr. Wight threw Mr. Stunt at just the correct speed and angle to break through the Earth’s atmosphere. Stunt’s backwards hat protected him from burning upon exit. Momentum and space winds carried him through the vacuum of space, eventually hitting light speed, before crashing into the sun.”

The intergalactic maneuver instantly made Wight AEW’s biggest face and heel simultaneously. Paul Wight shirts are already sold out online. Wrestling Observer Dave Meltzer recently replaced Jon Moxley as Wrestler Of The Year with Wight. Officials are even considering changing the name of AEW Dark to AEW Wight.

Despite being without oxygen, absorbing solar radiation, and colliding with the molten surface, Stunt is expected to participate in this week’s episode of Dynamite.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
9 Responses to "Headlies: Paul Wight Launches Marko Stunt Into The Sun"
  1. mitch says:

    Paul takes dumps bigger than Marko.

  2. CP says:

    Paul did what Bryan Alvarez could never do.

  3. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Wight’s actions have been heavily criticised by some. “All those years in the WWE and he never tried this once with Hornswoggle, Michael Cole or James Ellsworth,” said an undisclosed source, “many in WWE feel Wight has really let them down.”

  4. Doc 902714 says:

    If he had gone to NXT, he could’ve launched Cameron Grimes TO THE MOON!!!!

  5. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Jim Ross was quick to quip that it was a good job he didn’t throw Stunt’s grandmother into the sun, too. “We would have experienced the shame of a Stunt Granny”…

  6. Saint Stryfe says:

    I don’t watch AEW, or read any wrestling sites except for this here Progrem and Jim Cornette’s podcast, so I had no idea what Marco Stunt looked like… and this guy is even the tiniest bit over? He looks like a particularly disinterested Target Technology-area sales person who got the job just to get his folks off his back and because it let him be be near Video Games.

    He looks like the guy holding the “STOP/YIELD” sign in a summer work crew.

    I don’t believe this guy could be on TV, he looks like he just had to “step away from the band” and just had to “take a break” because of “Creative differences”.

    He looks like a flea’s fart.

    The picture above makes him look like a student in high school who’s been punished for some stupid prank gone wrong by having to work in the cafeteria one hour a day.

    He looks like how Senator Ron Johnson sounds.

    In no way can I believe this person is on TV regularly. Gah I swear to gods I’m happy I don’t watch modern wrestling.

  7. Lem says:

    Hearing the news Jim Cornette now believes there is a God.

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