Headlies: Gross Noise Machine Announced As Lead Raw Announcer

7 Submitted by on Mon, 31 May 2021, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials revealed over the weekend that a noise making device will now be the lead announcer of Monday Night Raw. Following the firings of Adnan Virk and Tom Phillips, WWE CEO Vince McMahon quickly filled the void with his hand-picked choice.

The machine, purchased by McMahon after receiving a billion dollars from NBC, emanates various bodily sounds. A variety of burps, stomach growls, and breaking wind noises are created by a push of a button. The contraption has delighted the septuagenarian so much that he has installed it as the new announcer of his flagship show.

“This is the voice of the WWE Universe!” beamed McMahon in proudly during a press conference without a shred of irony. “It conveys so many emotions and layers. Sure, you can scream and holler when a Superstar is put through a table, but a well-placed fart does so much more. It’s universal. Everyone understands that. It really is the perfect WWE announcer.”

The controversial move was not met without detractors. Several higher-ups tried to voice their displeasure in a meeting, including members of McMahon’s own family.

“We’re better than this, Vince. Are you sure we want to move forward with this?” asked Triple H.

McMahon responded with a small belch from the machine. The inappropriate noise made the billionaire giggle.

“Dad, I know we’re trying to improve our 18-49 demo, but this isn’t the way,” said Stephanie McMahon.

McMahon pressed another button making the device let out a long, low fart. He laughed uproariously as the sound echoed in the large conference room. Delighted by the bathroom sound, McMahon continually pressed the button, completely drowning out Kevin Dunn’s protests.

Attempts to separate McMahon from his new announcer have proved fruitless as they have been continuously interrupted by a cacophony of gross bodily noises.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: Gross Noise Machine Announced As Lead Raw Announcer"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    None of this has ANYTHING to do with the WON awarding Michael Cole with his sixth award for Worst Announcer…

    What did Tom Phillips do wrong? Be better than Michael Cole?

    What did Adnan Virk do wrong? Be put into a role where he was out of his depth by a company that doesn’t know it’s arse from it’s elbow?

    We’ll see how long the new guy lasts and hope they don’t put David Otunga back on commentary…

  2. Jerry says:

    It may feel like a gust of fresh air, but give it a few weeks, and the machine will be completely disheartened from the constant yelling in its earpiece(?) about what to say and the complete lack of control and own creative input. Years of journalistic experience, countless studies about the subtle nuances among farts, and in the end, one gets reduced to doing the same sound over and over at the push of a button.
    Not too long, and it will sound like yet another Michael Cole. They all do eventually.

  3. Acolyte of Glorious La Parka~ says:

    I want one or multiples of those.

  4. Thomas Moffatt says:

    It’ll better received than the Graves-Cole “Wingus & Dingus” routine and as far as I’m concerned I’d sooner listen to a flushing toilet than Twat McAfee…

  5. Doc 902714 says:

    Still better than that douche Kevin Patrick hosting RAW (ANY…THING would be BETTER than Kevin Patrick hosting RAW!!)

    • Thomas Moffatt says:

      No, no – I’d like to believe James Corden and/or Russell Brand would do a much worse job and be five times as annoying… similar could be said for Westboro Baptist Church…

  6. Jeremy Hegg says:

    If this doesn’t work out, then can always create a soundboard with all of Michael Cole’s catchphrases programmed into it. We’re not far off from having a hologram host Raw.

    That is after they turn the turnbuckles, ropes somehow, crowd barriers, announce tables and probably titles sooner than later into LED screens too. They’ll have to release 80 more people because of “budget cuts”, but it’ll be worth it to make Vince McMahon happy for 10 seconds, so you gotta make that sacrifice.

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