Headlies: Bron Breakker Receives His First-Week Evaluation

1 Submitted by on Mon, 14 March 2022, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Up-and-coming Superstar Bron Breakker met with WWE officials to discuss his main roster debut earlier this week. While most outsiders had positive things to say, WWE leadership was more critical.

Seated at the far end of a long conference table, Breakker nervously listened to his evaluation.

“We need you to smile more, Bron,” explained Stephanie McMahon. “Wave to the people! Blow them kisses! Let them know they can take you home to Mom and Dad.”

Breakker shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“Think about your marketability,” suggested WWE President Nick Khan. “We need you to shift the paradigm. Really be proactive. Do you think you can have a match with the Cricket Wireless mascot? Have you considered learning five or six new languages?”

“We need you to work on a pose,” said CFO Frank Riddick. “Maybe you can do that Floss dance that kids love. Have you ever seen the movie ‘Staying Alive’? It’s the sequel to Saturday Night Fever. Watch it this weekend and come back with some pizazz.”

“Have you ever considered wearing some makeup?” asked Executive Producer Kevin Dunn. “You’re just so…sweaty. It really doesn’t look good on camera. A little primer and some highlighting will make you ready for network television.”

“You’re a great athlete…” started Triple H before being interrupted by Vince McMahon.

“Your head is shaped like a canned ham! Do something about that!” growled Vince.

The meeting continued like that for the rest of the hour. Afterwards, Breakker was very respectful and diplomatic.

“I appreciate everyone taking an interest in my success,” said Breakker thoughtfully. “I’m still relatively new and trying to absorb every little bit of advice. Each week I’m going to get better and better. Watch Monday Night Raw for the new and improved Bron Breakker!”

Before exiting Titan Towers, Breakker rubbed his hands over his head.

“Man, it is ham-shaped,” he said quietly to himself.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
1 Response to "Headlies: Bron Breakker Receives His First-Week Evaluation"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    “I learned so much from that meeting,” said the pork product headed superstar, “they told me ‘You can’t smile enough, kid’. Apparently, they said that to the Rock when he got called up to the main roster and look what’s happened to him.
    “And they said not worry if after a few months the fans start booing me even though I’m supposed to be the number one good guy. They did it to Roman and look at him now. Even though he doesn’t act the good guy…
    “Plus, being the Miz’s sidekick is one of the most sough after position on the roster. Now, Daniel Bryan turned it down and now he’s not even in WWE.
    “Also, when I make my full main roster debut, it’ll be okay to be given a new name like Porky Meathead as it is a pretty cool name – or so Mr McMahon says.
    “Speaking of Mr McMahon, he says he takes a shower with all his employees especially the ones with big muscles who look good in tight clothing. He also told me not to listen to Triple H as he knows nothing and couldn’t run a promotion and is a big doo-doo head.
    “Finally, he said it would be really awesome if I was in a tag team like my dad and uncle were and if he brought back Ryback we would be UNSTOPPABLE.”
    After finally stopping feeling his ham shaped head, Bron walked off cheerfully humming the American Males theme tune…

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