You may not have heard this, but Randy Savage hates Hulk Hogan.
For years, the two have had a love-hate relationship, with the “love” side of things coming to the forefront when they were working together and making money. Suffice to say, the needle has obviously been buried deep into the “hate” section of the meter for many, many years.
Whether this be a real hatred, or simply a publicity ploy, there seemingly hasn’t been a Randy Savage interview in the past two years in which he has not challenged Hogan to a fight. You see, the Macho Man doesn’t just want to play wrestle, he wants to legit punch Hogan right in his day-glow orange face.
Thus far, however, Hogan has taken the high road and ignored the Macho Man. Livid at the snub, Savage has retaliated in the only logical way: he has recorded a rap CD.
Since the showdown between Hogan and Savage appears to be in the far distant future (if at all), I thought it only right that I should have the pair square off here at the ‘Crap. And what better way to do it than by pitting their audio atrocities against each other?
Due to the fact that the discs have an unequal number of tracks (Hulk Rules has 10, Be a Man has 14), I have taken the liberty to select five tracks from each disc. I will review each one, with the winner of each battle being decided by which song is more likely to cause me to grab for a ball point to jab out my eardrums. You can hear a brief snippet by clicking on the track name in each section.
In addition, I have also examined the cover & liner art from each CD.
Place your bets – this should be a real slobberknocker.
Cover & Liner Art
|Before I delve into the deep lyrics and top notch tuneage on each album, I thought it might be fun to contrast the imagery contained on the case and the liner notes. Here, Hulk Hogan is shown with his good friends Rick Derringer and Jimmy Hart. His wife is also shown. They all appear to be having a good time, which indicates they have obviously not been listening to Hulk Rules.||Randy Savage, OTOH, does what any real Macho Man would do – he pulls his pants down in a most manner most seductive.|
While this will cause dry heaves for anyone under the age of, oh, 60, it will likely moisten panties in nursing homes across the country.
Although Hogan’s family friendly image immediately triggered my gag reflex, Savage takes the early lead by threatening to bare his macho member to the world. Ohhhhh Nooooo!
Hulk Rules 0, Be a Man 1
|Hulk Rules opens with the anthemic Hulkster’s in the House. “Check him out, Check him out!” we are advised. What the hell? Is he a library book?|
The tune marches on with memorable lines like “The Hulksters’s in the room, you know he’s on the move!” Clearly this demonstrates that rhyming isn’t an exact science, but more a state of mind.
|Be a Man opens with a bogus reporter (Catherine White?) reading a story about Savage signing a recording contract. Hmmm…must have been a slow news day.|
The highlight of this song is the sappy music in the background, which sounds as though it were lifted from a “very special edition” of Webster. The track also contains the inane ramblings of a group of “regular people”, who make imbecilic comments like “Randy Savage has a rap CD, that’s gonna rule!” to “Macho man is soooo hot!”
And then comes those lines no one wants to hear: “I’m BACK!!”
Tough call, as both tunes will have you wondering not only why the hell they were made, but also why there’s another half hour or so of torture still to be experienced on each disc. Since Savage actually takes a shot at himself (one “fan” asks, “Macho Man…is that dude still alive?”), I’ll go with the Hulkster on this one.
Hulk Rules 1, Be a Man 1
|The title track of Hulk Rules is one of just four songs that does NOT feature Hogan crooning along about how great he is.|
This is good.
Of course, with the Hulkster out of the equation, the poor sap singing is given the task of glorifying the red and yellow instead. He accomplishes his goal by bellowing out idiotic phrases like “Everybody’s talking trash, but he knows talk is cheap, if you mess with the Hulkster, he’ll rearrange your teeth!”
This is bad.
|As if Hogan’s ego didn’t get stroked enough on his own CD, the opening line of Be A Man’s title track is “Hulk Hogan, Hollywood Hulkster, whatever they call you!”|
Yes, this song is just another opportunity for Savage to once again challenge Hogan to a fight. The difference is that this time it’s done in GANGSTA RAP FORM.
While I’d claim Hogan is nothing more than a yella belly for backing down, let’s face it – if someone rapped “You’re at the end of your rope, I’m gonna kick you in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap!” you’d probably just laugh it off as the mindless babbling of a lunatic too.
As much as I hate the thought of Hogan paying someone to sing his praises, the thought of someone giving him publicity for free is somehow even more offensive.
Hulk Rules 1, Be a Man 2
Track with Woman Fawning Over our Hero
|Supposedly sultry female: “You had me hooked from the very first look, you got me down on my knees. You turned on the charm, I heard the alarm – I should have called the police. You’re the one, the only one, Hulk’s the only man for me.”||Girl That Sounds No Older than say, Eleven: “Come on baby, I want to be your baby, you drive me crazy…”|
Savage: “It’s just a Macho Thang!”
As I am putting this page together, it occurs to me that the Crap’s server will likely crash due to the overwhelming weight of both men’s ego. If the site goes down this weekend, blame Hogan and Savage, not me.
Tough call, but the line “Me and my crew at the bar pimpin’, ladies point cuz they’re interested, come up to us and put in their bids” is simply too funny for me to cast this vote against the Macho Man. Screw Hogan-Savage – I think we all want Savage-Godfather at Wrestlemania XXII.
Hulk Rules 2, Be a Man 2
Track That Amazingly Does NOT Include the Word “Hulk” or “Macho” in Title
|Not only does Wrestling Boot Travelin’ Band not include “Hulk”, “Hogan”, “Hulkamania” or any variation thereof in the title, it amazingly makes no mention of him in any of the lyrics, either!|
I’ve gotta believe someone got fired over this omission.
And if not, I can only hope that Jimmy Buffet sued for some type of copyright infringement.
|R U Ready features Savage doing what he apparently does best – screaming at his listener with all the ferocity of a young Brian Knobbs.|
And no, that’s not a compliment.
On the one hand, we have Randy Savage screaming at us. On the other, we have Jimmy Hart wasting away again in Margaritaville. It’s almost like choosing between getting your nuts bitten off by a Rottweiler or being forced to listen to both of these discs again.
Aw, screw it. Let’s give them both a point.
Hulk Rules 3, Be a Man 3
Syrupy Final Tribute Track
|Hulkster in Heaven tells the story of a a young boy who was involved in the Make a Wish program and unfortunately passed away before getting to see Hogan live.|
While it’s a nice gesture, one would think that he could have mentioned the youngster’s name at least once in the song – after all, Hogan makes reference to himself no less than a dozen times inside of three minutes!
|Savage’s tribute tune, Perfect Friend, is dedicated to the late Curt Hennig, better known as “Mr. Perfect.” It’s one of the few on the entire album in which Savage isn’t screaming at the listener at the top his lungs, which is certainly a nice change of pace.|
It should be noted that not only does Randy perform the vocals, but his brother, “Genius” Lanny Poffo, penned it, presumably on a frisbee.
A final plea from your friend, RD Reynolds. I request – nay, I DEMAND – that no wrestler record any type of tribute song upon my death. I’d like to think that what I have contributed to the wrestling business, as small and insignificant as it is, deserves that much respect.
Hulk Rules 4, Be a Man 3
By the narrowest of margins, the horrifying Hulk Rules retains the title of “Worst CD Ever Recorded by a Completely Egomaniacal Wrestler.” Having said that, both are completely horrible, truly the stuff nightmares are made of.
You can order Be a Manhere. Hulk Rules is out of print, but I’m sure you could find it on eBay.
Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.