WWF Raw – March 8th, 1999 – Civic Arena – Pittsburgh, PA
Tonight’s WWF Raw begins with a recap of last night’s Heat. The Rock accused Paul Wight of “lack-of-testicle-itis”, while Wight said that what The Rock’s cooking “smells a lot like BS”. And we all know how Paul Wight feels about BS! Their confrontation was interrupted by Stone Cold’s music, but when Wight went up the ramp to cut off Austin, Steve came through the crowd and attacked The Rock in the ring. As usual, Paul looked really dumb.
To kick off the live portion of WWF Raw, The Rock calls out Paul Wight for letting The Rock get attacked. But instead of the “500-pound bag of monkey crap” coming to the ring, it’s Vince McMahon, who weighs half that. The boss tells him to “stop washing Corporate laundry in public”; the word he’s looking for is “airing”. But Rock still insists that Paul Wight is a roody-poo candy ass (which is yet another reason why Rock shouldn’t wash Wight’s dirty laundry).
The stylish Big Nasty wears a Pelle Pelle shirt—a different one than last night’s—to confront The Rock. He threatens to shove The Brahma Bull’s horns up The Rock’s… something or other. We don’t get to hear where exactly those horns are supposed to end up, as Mankind’s music interrupts him.
Mankind, admitting that he got played for a fool the last he volunteered to referee a match between The Rock and Paul Wight, nonetheless volunteers to referee a match between The Rock and Paul Wight. “If you smell what the sock is cookin’”, says Foley. But Vince McMahon has a bit of bad news for Mankind: he’s not a referee for WrestleMania. At least, not yet. Before Vince can make Foley an official official, Mankind has to wrestle Steve Austin, with Paul Wight as the referee.
Austin’s music hits, and the Rattlesnake comes out to tell everyone in the segment that he doesn’t care about any of them.
Backstage, Paul Bearer and The Undertaker lead the entire Ministry into a locker room like a reverse clown car. To send a message to the Bossman, Taker has his men beat up two enhancement talents.
WWF Raw returns with Steve Austin telling Mankind that he doesn’t care who the special referee is at WrestleMania. Well tough luck, Austin—it’s going to be a storyline anyway, all the way up to and including Mania.
D’Lo Brown is here in street clothes and without Ivory for a “Steel City Street Fight”. Ivory, says Cole, suffered a concussion on the previous WWF Raw (just one night before this one was taped). Don’t worry—she’s already back wrestling before this WWF Raw even airs.
D’Lo’s opponent is Owen Hart, also in street clothes, who comes to the ring with some sticks and Debra. A row of fans tell Debra to show her “tata’s” via homemade signs. It will still be a few months before the term “puppies” will be coined, allowing everyone to rave about breasts in a socially acceptable way.
Though Ivory is not here due to concussion protocol, D’Lo holds his own, smashing Owen right in the head with a cookie sheet. Both men continue whacking each other’s heads with the metal pan until Owen takes off his “Not a Nugget” shirt to choke D’Lo with it. Under that shirt, Hart is wearing an “Enough is Enough, It’s (Clock) 4 A Change” shirt. I take it he has a lot of unsold merch lying around. While Cole and King discuss the WrestleMania Rage party lineup, including a lengthy discussion of Isaac Hayes, Hart DDTs Brown onto the ramp.
Back in the ring, Brown once gain clocks Hart with the cookie sheet. Owen fights back with a stick, leading to a double-down spot. Down comes Jeff Jarrett with his guitar, which he tosses into the ring. D’Lo, being in front of Owen Hart, intercepts it and hits Owen with it for the 1-2-3. While Brown celebrates, cameras catch Owen comically chewing on a piece of wood…
…and, less comically, with blood running down his face.
Before WWF Raw goes to commercial, Undertaker sends members of his Ministry to different parts of the arena in search of Bossman.
The New Age Outlaws, teaming for the first time in two months, take on Hardcore Holly and Al Snow (Road Dogg’s opponents in a Triple Threat Hardcore title match at WrestleMania). “Arguably the most successful tag team in the WWF”, the Outlaws had previously teamed for 15 months, or the length of Demolition’s first title reign. Cole also notes, during an extreme close-up of Mr. Ass’s ass, that Gunn will be in a four-way match for the IC title at WrestleMania (unless something really stupid happens next week).
During the brief match, Snow and Holly keep trying to be the legal man until they fight each other. Al hits Hardcore with Head, but because they’re partners, the ref lets it slide rather than figure out which team to disqualify. The Outlaws spike-piledrive Holly for the 1-2-3.
The lights then go out forThe Undertaker’s entrance. Taker brings the lights back up again, and the rest of the Ministry storm the ring and beat everybody up. “Whatever The Undertaker’s preaching, his minions are buying”, says Cole. It’s pronounced, Mideon. Taker threatens Bossman on the mic and leaves.
As WWF Raw goes to commercial, Paul Wight changes into a referee shirt, and The Rock fiddles with a briefcase.
Jim Ross gives Steve Williams a pep talk before coming to the ring with a shopping bag. The announcers scrutinize JR’s face as they explain that Ross suffered an attack of Bell’s palsy in December. This, they say, was brought on by the death of his mother and, for storyline purposes, Bart Gunn’s knockout of Dr. Death in the Brawl For All five months before that.
Ross invites Michael Cole, dressed in all denim, into the ring. From the bag, Jim pulls out the costume Dr. Death wore two weeks ago while blasting WWF Creative.
Next, Ross brings up all the help he’s given Michael Cole (he of moussed hair and narrow ass), before accusing Cole of getting him taken off TV. JR kicks Cole in the groin and kicks his “yankee ass” off commentary. Jim says he’s doing commentary for the rest of the show, garnering an even bigger pop than the kick to Cole’s junk.
Backstage, Vince McMahon tells Terry Taylor to replace Jim Ross on commentary. McMahon also needs someone to keep tabs on all nine members of the Ministry, a job he assigns to Patterson and Brisco.
Terry Taylor comes down to replace Jim Ross, who is having none of it. JR references Taylor’s Red Rooster gimmick before Steve Williams escorts his friend away.
In the dressing room, Goldust makes out with Ryan Shamrock while a jealous Blue Meanie weeps.
WWF Raw returns with cameras in the bowels of the building. Patterson and Brisco, camouflaged in black robes and wearing head lamps, search for the Ministry.
Ken Shamrock now faces Goldust. Lawler calls Ryan Shamrock a rollercoaster, because “everybody gets a ride”. I suppose that’s better than being a kiddie ride, eh, King? Lawler also explains, to viewers just joining in, why the hell Terry Taylor is on commentary.
Blue Meanie forces a kiss on Ryan, distracting Goldust, who was about to shatter Ken’s dreams. Instead, Ken pins Goldust with a belly-to-belly suplex, then beats up Blue Meanie and chases after his sister. Terry Taylor calls Goldust, “Dustin”.
When WWF Raw returns, Patterson and Brisco debate kicking a door down.
X-Pac comes out with Triple H, who says X-Pac will take Shane McMahon’s silver spoon “and ram it up his airtight corporate cornhole”.
“What!?” says Lawler, justifiably.
“I like the sound of that!” says Terry Taylor.
“What!?” says Lawler, justifiably.
Shane joins Lawler and Taylor on commentary while Chyna stands guard in leather dom gear. The younger McMahon, fueled by too much caffeine (or something), hyperactively roots on Test, who flattens X-Pac with a big boot (the move, not a six-foot long Timberland). X-Pac fights back, booting Test in the face as the big man attempts a flying nothing.
As X-Pac sets up Test for the Bronco Buster, Triple H cuts off Shane’s attempted interference. X-Pac pauses conspicuously as Chyna prepares a low blow, but Hunter again makes the save, pulling her out of the ring. X-Pac successfully jams himself into Test’s face, but Shane sneaks in during his celebration and clocks him with the European title belt. Test covers the kid for the 1-2-3. Triple H then chases Shane around the ring, but Chyna catches him with a clothesline.
An irate Triple H then gets onto the mic and vows to drag Chyna into the ring and humiliate her (hopefully in a wrestling context).
Before the commercial, the stooges finally work up enough courage to break down the door. Behind it are the Godfather and his ho’s. Godfather throws Patterson and Brisco out.
WWF Raw returns to find Triple H playing hide and seek with Chyna.
Godfather, safely relegated to the 10 pm hour, comes out with his ladies to face Steve Blackman. Jerry Lawler points out the escorts’ “headlights”. Again, the term “puppies” had not yet been coined. Godfather offers Blackman his pick of the ho’s, and Steve bargains his way into a two-for-one deal. As the Lethal Weapon walks away from the forfeited match, though, Droz ambushes him. Godfather and Blackman then double-team Droz until the lights go out again.
The Ministry attacks everyone in the ring, spoiling Steve Blackman’s night especially. By my count, he’s the third wrestler to accept Godfather’s offer only to wind up getting beaten up (Vader and Steve Regal were the other two). Undertaker calls out Bossman, asking how many more innocent people have to get hurt tonight. Personally, I wouldn’t describe the pimp and the john as “innocent”. Taker promises a sacrifice tonight.
Chyna comes to the ring as WWF Raw returns to air. Terry Taylor, trying in vain to put-perv Jerry Lawler, tells him to “look at that body!” Chyna calls out Triple H, but the lights go out a third time tonight before the two come to blows.
This time, it’s Kane who emerges. Triple H holds Chyna in front of him as a shield, then shoves her at him. Chyna then turns the tables, restraining Hunter, whom Kane points at menacingly. From his finger shoots a fireball, which catches Chyna in the face. Hunter checks on Chyna’s welfare, but Kane decides only he may do that, throwing Triple H out of the ring. King calls him a “big red ret**d” for his bungling—and that’s before Kane chucks the EMTs out of the ring. Kane carries Chyna up the ramp as WWF Raw goes to break.
On viewing replays, King repeats the “big red ret**d” line while an actual person with Down syndrome sits behind him. Kane, meanwhile, cradles Chyna backstage with a towel on her face.
Sable is here, and Jerry flips his switch from “Concerned” to “Horny”, “experiencing personal growth as Sable displays her best-selling Playboy magazine. Tori, wearing a Sable t-shirt, prepares to make her debut against Luna. Sable herself then comes to the announce table for commentary. Though King declines to stand up (due to his implied erection), Sable still treats him to a look at her Playboy pictorial. Because this WWF Raw was taped on Tuesday, and Sable’s issue didn’t go on sale until Thursday, King is seeing it for the first time. His review is positive.
Luna comes to the ring and chokes out Tori so badly she gets disqualified. But Sable (and the rest of the commentary team) ignores it all. Once Luna is gone, Sable steps into the ring and kicks Tori around. Then she tears off Tori’s Sable shirt and dances.
Bossman pulls up in the arena parking garage and confronts Undertaker. However, having not seen all the previous Undertaker segments tonight, Bossman doesn’t suspect that the Ministry will sneak up on him.
WWF Raw comes back from commercial with a sacrifice; the Ministry ties Bossman to a symbol and suspends him in the air. Bossman is understandably cross. Undertaker vows to take out the members of McMahon’s Corporation until there is only one. “And then”, says Taker, “she too will be mine”.
Bossman, panicked, struggles until he breaks free of his restraints. He jumps down and gets attacked by the Ministry, but the Corporation jumps in to even the sides. Taker fights off cops until they get into a standoff. Paul Bearer pulls out his cell phone, and Undertaker sets the symbol on fire. The police cuff Undertaker with a burning cross in the background. Terry Taylor has never seen anything like it (at least not with his face showing).
After the break, Vince McMahon taunts and yells at Undertaker as he’s put in the back of the squad car. Cops push Vince back and threaten to arrest him.
The Rock is here for guest commentary for WWF Raw’s main event. Rock also guest-stars on The Net, the USA Network original series based on the provocative movie with that girl from The Bus. It will be canceled two weeks later. Rock plays a cage fighter—a sort of smashing machine.
Referee Paul Wight demands to check Steve Austin’s boots for foreign objects before the match with Mankind. Foley, after fulfilling McMahon’s condition that he defeat The Undertaker—even by countout—now must fulfill one more McMahon condition that he wrestle—but not necessarily defeat—Stone Cold.
Austin and Foley brawl on the outside, then take it back into the ring while Paul Wight plays ref. Rock calls Mankind, “a hamburger, a piece of crap”. I hope Rock can tell the difference between those two things. Terry Taylor analyzes Paul Wight’s officiating, trying to figure out whether he’s counting slowly (He isn’t). Rock berates Paul Wight on commentary and calls him the r-word.
Austin ends up on the ring apron, where Mankind puts the mandible claw on him. Paul Wight then fast-counts and rings the bell. The verdict: Austin has been counted out of the ring (even though he could have just as easily disqualified Mankind for not releasing the hold when Austin was grabbing the rope). Mankind wins the match, supposedly making him the second special referee in the WrestleMania main event. This should make The Rock very suspicious of Paul Wight’s motives, except:
a) Wight doesn’t need a second referee to screw over The Rock if he wants to, and
b) according to Vince’s exact words, Mankind would have been referee even if he’d lost to Austin. For the second week in a row, nobody can understand these referee stipulations.
Paul Wight then chokeslams Mankind. Vince McMahon comes down, angrily points his finger at Mankind and Austin, and separates Austin and Wight. The Rock sneaks up on Stone Cold, and the two punch it out. Austin stands tall to close out another confusing episode of WWF Raw.