WWF Raw – March 1st, 1999 – Gund Arena – Cleveland, OH
A recap of last week’s Inferno match opens tonight’s WWF Raw, concluding with one Hall of Famer burning the teddy bear of another future Hall of Famer. Future Legacy Hall of Famer Vince McMahon looks on, crying.
After the WWF Raw intro, the heavy-metal riff to “We’re All Together Now” plays on a loop as the announcers take forever to start their opening welcome speech.
The Corporation comes to the ring amid rumors that Kane will be fired for the second time (the first time being in his childhood home). Vince says that last week’s footage of him showing weakness (“reduced to a quivering mass of apoplexy”) is now in a museum because it’s the only time it has ever happened. As he addresses The Undertaker, fans interrupt by calling him a sphincter (but not in those words, obviously). Vince calls the fans “amoebas” who can never understand his capacity to love.
Vince then turns to Kane and tells him to go to hell; this technically exceeds his authority as Kane’s boss, so he also tells him he’s fired. He then brings down an army of orderlies, some carrying nightsticks, to drag him to the insane asylum. And I was just kidding about exceeding his authority!
Chyna, however, joins forces with Kane, and together they put the boots to the men in white. Chyna promises to take responsibility for Kane, much like a child begging her parents for a pet. She and McMahon strike a deal: if Kane beats Steve Austin tonight, he can stay in the Corporation. But Vince adds that if Kane loses, Chyna will be fired as well (but presumably, not sent to an asylum).
Mankind comes out, again petitioning to be the second guest referee for the WrestleMania main event. Jeez, he’s aiming low. Mankind says that in last week’s officiating assignment, he was “screwed worse than a White House intern”, no doubt decrying Monica Lewinski’s poor treatment by the media.
Foley, who two weeks ago was WWF champion, wants another chance to prove himself to Commissioner Michaels as a competent referee. As with Chyna, Vince makes a deal with Mankind: he’ll “get [his] wish” if he beats The Undertaker tonight.
Well, speak of the Prince of Darkness, and he shall appear! Or at least taunt Vince over the PA while his music plays. Michael Cole notes that in the past, Undertaker and Mankind had a Buried Alive match, really putting into perspective how weak Vince’s plan is. Taker survived burial, and McMahon thinks pinning him in a wrestling match will learn ‘im good.
Tonight on WWF Raw, The Rock will defend the WWF title against The Road Dogg, who forfeited the Hardcore title due to injury and is thus next in line for not only the title, but the main event slot at WrestleMania. Also, Val Venis defends his Intercontinental title against both Ken Shamrock and Goldust.
Backstage, Ryan Shamrock walks out of a locker room fixing her skirt. Jerry Lawler claims she has rug burns (I guess from crawling on the carpet looking for a missing contact lens).
WWF Raw returns with footage from the break. As Steve Austin enters the arena, Earl Hebner warns him that he is set to face Kane tonight. To this, Stone Cold says he’s already in the WrestleMania main event, so he doesn’t really care his opponent. Nor, as fans no doubt realize, does it matter much whether he wins or loses.
In more footage, this time recorded before WWF Raw, Billy Gunn is told he has fluid in his lungs and is “on the verge of an asthma attack”. He is therefore not cleared to wrestle tonight, meaning he can’t wrestle for the Intercontinental title. For that reason, Goldust is in the Triple Threat tonight. Does that mean Billy will get to challenge Road Dogg for his WWF title next week?
In the IC Triple Threat match, Goldust and Val Venis double-team Shamrock, but Goldust soon cheap-shots Val to end that alliance. Meanwhile, Ryan Shamrock strolls to ringside. Venis attempts a jackknife pin on Shamrock, which Goldust breaks up—“wisely”, in Michael Cole’s assessment. Cole also clarifies the show’s confusing opening segment: Mankind will face The Undertaker in lieu of refereeing Austin-Kane, not in order to referee it. “Okay, I was confused!” says Lawler.
The announcers plug the WrestleMania Rage party happening the night before the big event. In the background, a fan holds up a sign depicting Mark Henry as South Park’s Chef, voiced by WrestleMania Rage guest Isaac Hayes.
Shamrock has Val Venis in a front facelock but loses his concentration when he spots Goldust embracing his sister. Goldust kisses Ryan, sending Ken into a rage (a WrestleMania rage, perhaps). As Ken fights with Goldust in the crowd, the referee counts both men out and awards the match to Val. While jarring to today’s viewers, at least this Triple Threat finish isn’t nearly as stupid as when The Rock retained his IC title by walking out.
Val Venis, incensed at his former lover Ryan making out with another man, nonetheless celebrates with his belt. That’s when “Bad Asthma” Billy Gunn, risking pneumonia, attacks him from behind.
Backstage, Mankind and Al Snow speak with a figure in a black cowboy hat. His identity is no mystery, of course; Michael tells us Jim Ross is finally returning to WWF Raw after his latest bout of Bell’s palsy. No, the real mystery being subtly teased is what his face looks like now.
WWF Raw viewers in a certain region then see the Godfather appear in a commercial with an alligator mascot and future murder victim Buffalo Jim.
Jim Ross returns to WWF Raw after a long recovery from Bell’s palsy to interview Bart Gunn. It’s like an inspirational movie! Bart says he’s training to not just beat Butterbean, but to knock him out. Ross then scolds Bart for not looking at his face before launching into a list of grievances about the WWF not letting him back on the air. Next, he tears into Gunn for bragging about knocking out “JR’s boy” Steve Williams, then yells at him to show him some respect and look him in the face. The crowd cheers, which is probably not the intended reaction. Ross slaps Bart, resulting in some “oooooh”s.
Bart aggressively pokes JR in the chest and says he’s not to blame for Ross’s problems. Steve Williams, who has the exact same build as last week’s masked kabuki man, then sneaks up behind Gunn and nearly drops him on his head with a German suplex. Dr. Death stomps Bart as Jim Ross cheers him on. The announcers are in absolute shock, disgusted at the turn of events.
This shock and disgust briefly subside when backstage cameras capture a shot of Debra’s legs.
WWF Raw returns with D’Lo Brown discussing something with Ivory in the locker room.
Former war correspondent Michael Coulthard notes that in all his career, he’s never felt as uncomfortable as he did just now (because of JR, not Debra in a silk bath robe). Speaking of Debra, she’s out with Owen and Jeff, and she never did find her clothes. Owen grabs the mic and tells fans that he is not a nugget. His anti-nugget t-shirt has a lot of people asking question already answered by his shirt.
The tag team champions, having beaten all contenders, issue an open challenge for the titles. Debra, sweetening the deal, offers the robe off her back to any team who thinks they can beat Jarrett & Hart. Note that the condition is that the challengers think they can beat the champions; technically, they don’t even have to win the match!
Answering the challenge are Triple H and X-Pac, D-X’s primary tag team now that the New Age Outlaws are pursuing singles gold. Triple X (or H-Pac) hit the ring and deliver stereo clotheslines. “What a Maneuver by Triple H and X-Pac!” says Cole. X-Pac and Jarrett engage in fast-paced action featuring a Tremendous Maneuver by X-Pac, a Rocker Dropper-style escape from a hip toss attempt.
Triple H tags in as Jerry Lawler throws his support behind D-X in hopes of seeing nudity. Hunter attempts to Pedigree Jarrett, but Owen steps in and breaks it up, leading the champions to take control of the action. Triple H eventually makes a Desperation Maneuver, a back suplex leading to a double-down spot. Hunter makes the hot tag to X-Pac, who counters a Jeff Jarrett huracanrana (What was he thinking?) with a sit-down powerbomb. “What a Maneuver!” says Cole as Owen Hart breaks up the pin.
X-Pac hits Bronco Buster on Jarrett but gets sidetracked by Debra. Strutting across the apron, Debra teases disrobing. X-Pac, in response, gives her the “Suck-It” crotch chops. Hey now, that’s not part of the deal!
X-Pac hits Jarrett with the X-Factor and gets a visible pin, but referee Tim White has his hands full with Debra. Owen knocks X-Pac into Tim into Debra, who falls off the apron, leading X-Pac to check on her. Out of nowhere, Shane jumps X-Pac, so the former European champion pursues the current on up the ramp.
Now outnumbered, Triple H is picked apart by the champions. This double-teaming leads the referee to throw the match out just one second before X-Pac returns to clean house. Outside the ring, Ivory very slowly pursues Debra (Both women are wearing high heels). At the top of the ramp, D’Lo Brown appears, takes out both tag champions, and cuts off Debra’s escape. This allows ivory to take off Debra’s robe. “Bra and panties!” yells Lawler as the champs cover Debra up with their belts.
When WWF Raw returns, Kevin Kelly is with Debra and the champs. Kevin recounts in too much detail Debra’s disrobing before noting that “this has got to have you exacerbated” like some horny Bob Backlund. Exacerbated she is, as she challenges Ivory to a match tonight.
Luna is here, accompanied by Tori, to speak to Sable, vowing to bring her back to earth “where you belong”. Sable comes to the ring in her gear, showing no signs of concern about the upcoming match. Two women’s matches in one WWF Raw? Not gonna happen. Before the bout can begin, Tori attacks Luna from behind. She puts the boots to Luna with Sable, who Sable-Bombs Vachon. When Tori tries to slap five with Sable, though, the Women’s Champion ignores her.
The Road Dogg comes to the ring for his WWF title match, noting a 4/20 sign in the crowd. But it’s only March 1st—how embarrassing for that fan! The Rock comes out, promising to kick Road Dogg’s roody-poo candy ass; he’d better, or else Steve Austin is going to wrestle Road Dogg in the main event. The Rock indeed delivers a roody-poo candy ass-kicking, but it’s not enough for him; he brings Paul Wight to ringside for insurance.
Rock gets on the headset and plugs the Smackdown Hotel, which offers its guests a complimentary fist in the mouth and foot in the ass. That doesn’t sound like a very reputable establishment. “The Big Nasty” head-butts Road Dogg while the referee is distracted.
Dogg briefly fights back with Shake-Rattle-and-Roll, but Rock cuts off his comeback with what Cole calls a fallaway slam. It’s a Samoan drop. Dogg shakes, rattles, and rolls again, then delivers his knee drop. The Rock, not impressed with these most basic of moves prefaced by goofy dances, delivers The Corporate Elbow and wins via pinfall.
Before Road Dogg can leave the ring, Al Snow comes down with Head and a chair, introducing himself like a game show contestant. Snow wants to continue his series with Road Dogg, to which Dogg assents via a chair shot to Snow’s head (that is, his skull). Bob Holly then steps in and immediately eats a chair shot to the head. Dogg then challenges the “two pussies” to a fight in the parking lot.
In the dressing room, Chyna tells Kane he has to win, or else they’re “both out of a job”, implying they’ll both be fired from the WWF altogether. On the other hand, Michael Cole has been saying all night that they’ll merely be fired from the Corporation (though Kane would find it hard to continue his wrestling career while locked up in a sanitarium).
After a commercial break, Road Dogg is in the parking lot as promised, taunting Snow and Holly. He even calls Head a “body-less bitch”. This kind of misogynistic, ableist language is disgraceful, and Head deserves better.
The Brood’s music hits, but instead Public Enemy come out dressed as them. Johnny Grunge chokes on the mysterious red liquid. “Do you think we’re afraid of a little blood?” asks Rocco Rock. “Not!” say Rocco and Johnny in unison.
“One thing we’re not afraid of”, boasts Grunge, “is anything, anybody, and we’re definitely not afraid of you!” That’s three things, Johnny. Actually, that’s everything.
The lights go out, and the Brood’s music hits, but they don’t appear. Instead, when the lights come back on, Johnny Grunge is alone in the ring. In the thirty seconds that the lights are out, the Brood must have run to the ring, grabbed Flyboy Rocco, and dragged him backstage. Now that’s efficiency! Note that Flyboy Rocco Rock is now called simply Flyboy Rocco, as there can only be one Rock in the Federation.
Backstage, Bob Holly fights with Road Dogg, who hits him with a box-like structure.
When WWF Raw returns, the brawl is still going on. The men hit each other with pallets and trash cans. A freight elevator door opens, but everyone ignores this.
Meanwhile in the ring, it’s the first ever kendo stick match, which ends only when one man is knocked off his feet. Droz and Blackman hit each other off and on for the first fifty seconds until Steve accidentally hits referee Teddy Long. He then knocks Droz down, but the referee doesn’t see it. Droz then knocks Blackman down in front of the ref and wins. Why on earth didn’t they save this classic for WrestleMania?
The unofficial hardcore match continues in a stairwell, with both Holly and Dogg ending up outside the arena. Al Snow ambushes them with a public ash tray. Jerry Lawler, however, is more excited about seeing Jacobs Field, home of his beloved Cleveland Indians. Everyone ends up in the street while referees pull them away before they get run over.
A video package airs, recounting Shane McMahon’s rough upbringing on the mean streets of Greenwich, Connecticut. Viewers are introduced to childhood friends Rodney and Pete “Gas” and are left to wonder how Pete got that nickname. Shane’s friends say Shane is the toughest of all the Greenwich street toughs.
During WWF Raw’s commercial break, Johnny Grunge found Flyboy Rocco crucified—uh, hanging high off the ground with his arms spread apart—and covered in blood.
Vince McMahon is here for commentary, where he casually announces a Hell in a Cell match between The Undertaker and The Big Bossman. He also promises a surprise in the form of a “receipt” for Taker. Michael Cole just wants to know about the bear.
McMahon and Undertaker stare each other down as Mankind makes his entrance. As Foley and Taker duke it out, Vince clarifies that if Mankind wins tonight, he will be the second referee at WrestleMania. Since he’s busy explaining the storylines, he has no time to call any maneuvers.
Undertaker attempts Old School, but Mankind catches him with the mandible claw. Both men tumble to the outside. The announcers note the many battles these men have had: Boiler Room Brawls, Hell in a Cell, Buried Alive. But the stakes are much higher tonight: If Mankind wins, he gets to co-officiate another match. If he loses, the evil Undertaker’s shoulders will go unpinned.
As it turns out, the outcome is even sillier; Taker rolls Mankind into the ring at the count of nine and gets counted out. Undertaker then attacks Vince McMahon and tries to chokeslam him from one announce table to another. Instead, the Bossman beats him with a nightstick. The Ministry chases off the Bossman and the boss. Man! Undertaker then chokeslams the technically-victorious Mankind.
WWF Raw resumes with Vince and the Bossman making a getaway in a limo.
Debra now faces Ivory, whose Titantron video consists of her fluffing her hair in front of a mirror. Did they accidentally air a shampoo commercial? Barely a second into the two women’s catfight, we hear PMS’s music, which is barely distinguishable from Ivory’s. Jacqueline, whom Ivory defeated last night on heat, whales on Ivory. Jackie piledrives Ivory before D’Lo makes the not-so-timely save.
Kane, with Chyna, faces Steve Austin. Stone Cold targets Kane’s left knee, slamming it against the ring post. “Left knee my foot”, says Jerry Lawler in a sentence you don’t hear every day. “Stone Cold’s trying to break Kane’s leg!”
As Stone Cold works over Kane, Michael Cole reminds us that there is nothing at stake for Austin tonight. Kane sends Austin briefly out of the ring, giving the Big Red Machine a chance to fasten his boot. The match devolves into the standard Stone Cold brawl around the ring and in the crowd. At one point, Chyna clocks Austin, but Kane intervenes before Stone Cold can retaliate. Later, she gives Austin the Tony Atlas Special with her high-heeled boot.
In the ring, Austin tries to slam Kane, but the big man falls on him for a two-count. Kane works Austin’s back with a bearhug until Austin battles out with punches. He knocks the ref down attempting a stunner on Kane, then slips out of a tombstone attempt, knocks Kane into Chyna, and hits the Stunner on Kane. The referee slowly counts, but Chyna pulls Austin away. Kane once again prevents Austin from hitting Chyna via a back suplex leading to a double-down spot. I feel like I’ve written that phrase already tonight.
Big Nasty Paul Wight now saunters to ringside. Austin kicks out of Kane’s flying clothesline, then kicks him in the groin. Wight slides a chair in the ring, presumably for Kane, but Austin snatches it and hits Kane in the head twice. The referee allows it. Austin then swings the chair at Chyna but hits the turnbuckle when she ducks. Chyna returns and hits Austin in the groin. Kane then restrains Austin for Paul Wight, but the Big Nasty accidentally kicks Kane. It’s his second screw-up in two minutes, but if you saw his debut in the cage match, you’d know that’s kind of his M.O.
Austin storms off while his music plays, and Michael Cole reasons that because Kane didn’t technically lose, he and Chyna still have jobs. Of course, Chyna and Vince had agreed that Kane had to defeat Austin.
Final tally:
4 Maneuvers
1 Clinton joke