WWF Raw – January 11th, 1999 – Compaq Center – Houston, TX
WWF Raw is War opens with Michael Cole assuring us Stone Cold Steve Austin will be here tonight.
D-X is out next, and Road Dogg starts to do his “Tag Team Champions of the Woooorld” shtick, but instead it’s the new WWF Champion that he’s introducing. Mankind arrives with new entrance music and his WWF title belt—and if you’re not down with that, Billy Gunn has one word for you: Socko!
Mankind acknowledges his new intro tune, then thanks Jim Ross for signing him after years of years of rejection from the WWF. He also thanks D-X and Steve Austin for their involvement in last week’s title match and says he’d like to face Stone Cold at WrestleMania.
Instead, the Rock answers the call. He’s flanked by the McMahons, the younger of whom announces a Corporate Royal Rumble pitting the members of D-X against the Corporate Team. The winner of this mini Rumble gets the #30 spot in the 30-man Rumble in two weeks.
The Rock himself says he’ll get his revenge on Stone Cold for costing him the title, then says Mankind looks like a monkey took a crap. Is that better or worse than if a fellow named Rudy dropped a poo out of his candy ass? Rocky references his millions and millions of fans for the first time, stating disingenuously that the people are itching for him to get the title back.
Mankind, however, balks at the idea of a rematch with Rock, given that he has already beaten him twice in the last month. Rocky keeps sweetening the deal, as if his buddies the McMahons can’t just make the match themselves. First, he offers a no-DQ stipulation, then a no-countout stipulation, then no-Corporate member stipulation, all to no avail. Instead, Mick tells him to take his own “monkey ass” to the Smackdown Hotel. Hey, watch it, Mick! Luckily, the conversation turns to Mick Foley using Socko to perform either a testicular self-exam, or a prostate exam on The Rock.
“This is ridiculous”, says The Rock. “Obviously, The Rock quits in trying to get your monkey ass—“ At this point, Mankind cuts The Rock off and accepts his conditions. See, hidden in that awkward, totally unnatural phrasing, Rocky said “I quit” (or rather, “The Rock quits”). Thus, it will be an “I Quit” match, with no DQs, countouts, Corporate members, or referee stoppage. It will end, says Mick, when The Rock says “I quit”, although, as we all know, The Rock never refers to himself in the first person.
All this, of course, implies that Mankind will still be WWF Champion in two weeks’ time. However, Vince McMahon books the new champion in a title defense against Kane. And he didn’t even have to ask Mankind’s permission!
As WWF Raw goes to commercial, Steve Austin is seen entering the building. Michael Cole is stunned, even though he said at the top of the show that Austin would definitely be here.
The New Age Outlaws arrive to take on Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart for a tag team title shot. Road Dogg wears a shirt reading, “Look Mom, no curse”, referring to the so-called Armstrong Curse. It’s like the Von Erich Curse, except instead of Bob Armstrong’s kids all suffering tragic deaths, they are booked to lose wrestling matches. Backstage earlier today, the Outlaws discuss how to deal with Jeff Jarrett’s “chizick” (and her bizig bizoobs) after Debra used her “outrageous assets” (Cole’s words) to distract the Bossman on Heat.
Nearly half an hour into the show, there’s wrestling. Road Dogg shakes, rolls, and rattles on Jeff Jarrett (not in that order) before Jeff tags out to Owen. When Jarrett tags back in, he and Road Dogg collide, scissoring each other mid-air in one of the more creative double-down spots in wrestling history. Both men clutch their groins and tag out to their partners, allowing Billy Gunn to clean house.
After Gunn hits his yet-unnamed FameAsser on Owen, Debra steps up to reveal her yet-unnamed puppies. Gunn, however, refuses to be seduced, tells Debra to suck it. Figuratively. That’s when Jarrett has a new plan for Debra: flash Chyna. This really does distract Billy Gunn, who steps between the two ladies… for Chyna’s protection, obviously. Amid the confusion, Owen pins Road Dogg, and Chyna shoves Debra.
Backstage, Tony Garea and an army of uniformed guards stand watch outside a door marked, “Gillberg”.
When WWF Raw returns, it’s time for Gillberg’s debut. Dwayne Gill emerges from his dressing room grunting. Chants of “Gillberg” echo throughout the arena but, as Michael Cole notes, no one in the arena is actually chanting anything. On stage, the JOB hold up sparklers to simulate pyro, occasionally having to stop to re-light. Cole laughs and explains each gag, such as when Gillberg chokes on the smoke.
Gillberg grabs the mic and demands to know who’s first, and Luna answers the challenge. Gillberg misses a spear and rams his shoulder into the corner, then attempts a Jackhammer but collapses. Luna hits the Light Heavyweight champion with a top-rope splash and pins him, but despite Luna being under the weight limit, the title is not on the line.
Luna’s celebration is cut short by a fan (Terri Poch) who tackles her before being dragged out by security. Lawler notes that this is the same fan who rushed the ring and gave Sable a flower.
The announcers recap the brutal beating of Shawn Michaels at the hands of the Corporation last week (while leaving out the set-up by his supposed friends D-X). On a live Heat last night, the stooges beat up Shawn’s former trainer José Lothario. Michaels, says Cole, will have some kind of operation tomorrow.
When WWF Raw returns, Dennis Knight is raving incoherently at the announcers, telling them that “The One” is here, and that “it’s going to be beautiful”. Billy Gunn already wrestled tonight, so I don’t know what he’s talking about. The Acolytes then push Knight up the ramp. This marks two full weeks of torture and brainwashing since Knight’s abduction, but it will all be worth it when Vince McMahon makes Austin look foolish in six months.
Val Venis comes down for a match, with a Corporate Rumble “still to come” (which makes Lawler giggle). Venis makes a joke about the Houston Rockets, then gyrates in front of another planted fan (Alicia Webb). This leads IC champion Ken Shamrock to rush down and blindside Venis, telling him not to mess with his sister.
Billy Gunn then comes down, not to save Val Venis per se, but to moon Shamrock’s sister. He wants a title shot, you see. This leads to an altercation between Ken and Billy, with Val and Bossman getting involved as well. In another era, this would be when Teddy Long makes this a tag team match, but alas, he is merely the referee, so no match takes place at all. At the Royal Rumble, however, Shamrock will face Gunn, as the champion accepts the challenge.
After the commercial, it’s time for WWF Raw’s third match of the night. This time, X-Pac defends the European title against Al Snow, whose Head was stolen last night by Goldust. X-Pac ping-pongs around the ring until Al Snow cuts him off with a powerslam, a Great Maneuver in Michael Cole’s estimation. Snow misses a subsequent moonsault, leading Cole to suggest he needs Head. Speaking of which, X-Pac hits the Bronco Buster. After Goldust runs down and hits Snow with Head, the champ hits the X Factor and picks up the victory. Snow, however, is more concerned with the mannequin head, chasing Goldust, who once again whacks him with it.
Backstage, Vince McMahon tells Kane that, if he insists on facing Mankind alone, he’d better win the title.
This week’s WWF Rewind, sponsored by 10-10-220, is Kane’s “handicap match” against the stooges last week.
Kane vs. Mankind starts outside the ring when Kane interrupts Foley’s entrance. Mankind clobbers Kane with the ring steps before the action spills into the ring. Or un-spills. Absorbs? Kane fares better here until he telegraphs a back body drop and gets piledriven. His feet are in the ropes, but he kicks out anyway. The action then spills (or un-absorbs) to the outside, where this time, Kane reverses a piledriver and backs Mankind into the other set of steps.
Back in the ring, Kane covers Mankind for a two-count. Kane attempts a chokeslam, but while his hand is around Mankind’s throat, Earl Hebner decides it’s time to take a break, staring off into space just long enough for Mankind to kick the challenger in the junk.
Mankind manages to fit his fingers and Mr. Socko through Kane’s mask, but the big man falls into the corner, which is supposed to break the hold. Mankind never lets go, but Kane somehow reverses it into a tombstone. Unfortunately for the big man, after hitting the move, he rolls over to his side exhausted instead of justing falling on the champion. Kane eventually sits up and covers Mankind, but The Rock rushes in and breaks up the cover by yanking Kane’s unitard. Hebner calls for the bell, and Kane wins via DQ.
The Rock then hits Kane over the head with a chair three times, and Mankind once, before Steve Austin shows up. Rocky and Austin get into a stand-off until Mankind snatches the chair, driving The Rock from the ring. Mankind hands Austin the chair as some kind of thank-you gift, but Stone Cold stuns him, then Kane.
WWF Raw returns in the middle of a backstage argument between Rock and Mr. McMahon. “What are you doing?” asks Vince.
“What do you mean ‘What is The Rock thinking’ [sic]?” snaps The Rock. He’s not going to let “that big red ret**ded Kane” win the title before Rock’s match with Mankind.
Triple H wants to know whether the fans in Houston are ready (They are), then tells them to get ready once more (to suck it). He faces Edge. Hunter controls most of the offense, but when he attempts a Pedigree, Edge counters by slingshotting him into the turnbuckle, a Great Maneuver. However, Triple H winds up Pedigreeing him anyway a few seconds later and pins him.
The rest of the Brood runs in to stomp Hunter as the lights go out. D-X shows up to even the sides, we have to be told (The lights are out, after all), but when the lights go up, Road Dogg is covered in blood.
WWF Raw comes back from break with the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos rocking the house. A throne with the Undertaker’s symbol sits on stage. The Undertaker’s classic theme then hits, two masked druids appear, and a hooded figure approximately seven feet tall takes a seat. And despite all these clues, the announcers are still unsure who this person is.
A voiceover, supposedly spoken live by The Undertaker, plays over the PA. However, much like in the case of the Gillberg chants, his lips aren’t moving. Taker speaks of his Ministry of Darkness, warning that for those who resist it, “pain becomes synonymous with punishment”. Sure, whatever. This monologue goes on for a long time as Paul Bearer strokes a dagger.
With the Acolytes standing by, Undertaker speaks in tongues over Dennis Knight, cuts his own wrist with the trick knife, and drips the blood into a chalice. No grape juice from concentrate for the Undertaker; he’s a real man’s man! He re-christens Knight as Mideon and gives him a refreshing drink of blood. Finally, he drips fake blood out of the knife on Mideon’s chest in the shape of his symbol. Lightning strikes a cross-like symbol on stage, setting it alight. Fog pours out from under the slab where Mideon lies, which Michael Cole takes to mean he’s levitating. (He was supposed to, but the cables didn’t work)
After the Satanic sacrifice, D’Lo Brown and PMS come to the ring to follow up on their miscarriage story line. A fan holds up a sign saying, “I love this show”. D’Lo apologizes to Terri for causing her “great loss” but says that he won’t wrestle his good friend Mark Henry on her behalf. He would do anything for forgiveness for inducing a miscarriage, but he won’t do that. But Terri insists.
Mark Henry comes to the ring in his street clothes, then turns his back to exit the ring . D’Lo refuses to strike, but Jacqueline pushes him into Henry, setting off a fight. While the two men shove each other, Terri Runnels punches Mark in the groin, ending the match in seconds. Two seconds, to be exact, although the second bell never rings.
Out walk Chyna and Sammy, who once again struggles to walk in high heels. Chyna pushes Jackie to the mat and clear out of her dress, which Lawler and Cole adamantly insist they didn’t see. “Chyna and, uh, Sammy” (as Cole insists on calling the duo) walk an injured Mark Henry up the ramp.
The GloverSlam of the Week is Stone Cold’s chair shot to the Rock and Mankind’s title win last week.
Backstage, Chyna leaves Sammy to take care of Mark Henry while she fetches a drink. The announcers then pretend this is sexy, which is even less convincing than when they pretended they didn’t see Jacqueline’s knockers.
A Rocky-style training montage airs of Shane and Vince in the snow. McMahon chases a chicken, then punches out a hunk of steer in a meat-packing plant.
It’s Corporate Rumble time, and out first is Ken Shamrock. Billy Gunn, the number two entrant, awaits his turn as WWF Raw goes to another commercial. So I guess it’s not quite Corporate Rumble time.
WWF Raw returns, and *now* it’s Corporate Rumble time. Billy doesn’t even get to enter the ring before Ken kicks him off the apron. Shamrock then launches himself over the top rope onto Billy Gunn, eliminating himself. As referees tell Shamrock to leave, he beats Gunn down until it’s time for the Bossman to enter.
Bossman pounds Ass for a minute until Road Dogg’s music plays. However, it’s Test who enters instead. X-Pac, entrant number five, storms the ring to even things up. Soon, Gunn and Test exchange hip toss reversals, inching ever closer to the ropes until Test tosses Gunn out. He then hits X-Pac with a gutwrench powerbomb. “What a Maneuver by Test”, says Cole. Michael notes that the very first Rumble (on pay-per-view, at least) took place in this very arena. Back then, though, it was known as The Summit. Now it’s a megachurch.
Road Dogg comes out next (for real this time) and fights Test, which Lawler complains about. It’s supposed to be every man for himself, so why isn’t he beating up his friend X-Pac? Kane is number seven and eliminates the blood-stained Road Dogg, leaving X-Pac alone for the D-X side. Triple H, supposedly the last participant, then storms in. A miscommunication leads Test to boot Kane, so the Big Red Machine eliminates him. D-X then tosses Kane over, but X-Pac himself gets thrown out by Bossman.
As Triple H and Bossman exchange punches and lean over the ropes, the siren sounds once more. This surprise entrant is Vince McMahon. Triple H turns his attention to the boss, forgetting he already has an opponent in the match. Bossman blindsides Hunter and tries to push him over the ropes when Vince sneaks up and eliminates both men at once. McMahon celebrates with his stooges and tears off his shirt Hulkster-style until another alarm sounds.
It’s Chyna, who fights her way through a wall called Patterson and Brisco. Austin’s music hits, and this time it’s McMahon’s turn to hold the idiot ball (Austin’s will come at the PPV). With Vince distracted by Austin, Chyna grabs the boss from behind and throws him over the ropes. Vince grabs the top rope to break his fall and ends up almost killing himself as his neck whips against the bottom rope and smacks his head against the ring apron.
Chyna wins the match and becomes the first woman in history to enter the Royal Rumble (and in the #30 spot, at that).
Final tally:
3 Maneuvers
Debra euphemism: Outrageous assets