WWF Raw – December 14th, 1998 – Tacoma Dome – Tacoma, WA
Stills from last night’s Rock Bottom pay-per-view open tonight’s WWF Raw. On Sunday, Mankind used the Mandible Claw to knock out and defeat The Rock, but Vince McMahon decreed that The Rock keep the title, as he didn’t technically “submit”. Never mind that Roddy Piper won the Intercontinental title with a sleeper hold back in 1992—or does this mean The Mountie is still the champion?
We have now reached the “making up the rules as we go along” era of the Mr. McMahon storyline, which should cause viewers as much alarm in kayfabe as it should in real life. Maybe not as much as Stone Cold killing The Undertaker last night, but still a good deal of alarm.
WWF Raw is live from Tacoma, Washington, although Michael Cole’s lack of energy makes it sound like he recorded his commentary in post.
D-Generation X’s music hits, and they come out dressed like the Corporation. I’d say they should have entered to Vince McMahon’s music, but he doesn’t have any yet. The racial composition of the Corporate Team means that, unlike in the Nation Impersonation, no one has to do blackface… except Triple H, but I doubt he’s complaining. Billy Gunn, clad in a diaper, plays the role of Shane, while Vincent Road Dogg McMahon is trailed by two little people acting as personal butt-kissers.
“Mr. McMahon” declares himself not to be an asshole, which gets muted with crowd noise several seconds too early and too late. He then asks “Shane” if he has “poopies” in his diaper. “No doo-doo”, replies Shane as I turn the sound down so my girlfriend won’t hear any of this.
“Mr. Brisco, Mr. Brisco,” asks Dogg. “Does my ass taste good?” The phony Mr. McMahon takes exception to being called a “sphincter” (I’ll have to take his word for it on that), at which point his son Billy Gunn drops his diaper and shows him his own. “Very good, son. That is a sphincter”.
“Ahhh!” interjects Ken Shamrock as portrayed by X-Pac. “All this talk about sphincters is putting me in the zone. It’s five-knuckle shuffle time!” Imagine using such a phrase on WWF Raw! WWE Raw, well that’s a different story. The Big Boss Woman Chyna then takes center stage to twirl her baton.
“The Rock” then rambles about sticking his own Corporate Head up his own Corporate Ass while using the word, “sphincter” repeatedly. “This is great, King”, notes Michael Cole before Triple H continues to talk about sticking his own Corporate Head up his own Corporate Ass while using the word, “sphincter” repeatedly. Cutting edge, stuff.
At long last, Shawn Michaels interrupts the proceedings—except it’s not HBK at all, but Jason Sensation dressed as the new Commissioner. His voice is dead-on, as is his cheek-full of tobacco, but the basketball that falls out of his hand telegraphs a cheap pun from Triple H. “You’ve dropped the ball again!”
Just when you thought Jason Sensation could save this travesty of a segment, he calls himself “HB-Gay” and says he’s “always bending over”. Sphincter.
The real Shawn Michaels (along with Bossman, Shamrock, and The Rock) interrupts the skit and books the New Age Outlaws against Bossman & Shamrock again. Plus, The Rock will face Triple H—non-title of course, because Shawn says Hunter is mid-card for life. But after Rock and Triple H exchange taunts and the questionable phrase “monkey ass”, Rocky puts the the title on the line after all. The Rock runs through Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, and Bret Hart’s catchphrases before remembering his own.
WWF Raw returns from its first commercial to find Vince McMahon backstage giving a pep talk that includes the phrase, “and then from there”.
Godfather and Val Venis are here, and the Big Valbowski makes a joke about Sleepless in Seattle. However, “Moaning in Tacoma” doesn’t have the same alliteration as the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan film. The Titans of the Sex Industry take on those followers of the gothic lifestyle, The Brood. Pretty pathetic that The Electric Companycould call their vampires, vampires, but Attitude Era WWF couldn’t.
Future in-laws Val Venis and Edge start off the match, but Venis and Godfather benefit from frequent tags. The former Supreme Fighting Machine, deemed a martial arts expert by Cole, lays out Christian with a kick. Some botched interference by Gangrel leaves Christian easy prey for Val Venis, who is not the legal man but pins him with a fisherman’s suplex anyway. An irate Gangrel promises a bloodbath tonight. Bloodbath? What does the Brood have to do with blood?
Back on WWF Raw, Kevin Kelly asks Steve Blackman about the persistence of the Blue Blazer in the WWF despite Owen Hart’s comeback from retirement. Blackman promises to unmask the Blue Blazer once and for all tonight, despite him previously unmasking the Blazer as Jeff Jarrett and it not changing anything.
Blackman won’t have to wait long, as the Blazer is out next to face Goldust. Blazer opens with an Owen Hart-like spinning heel kick, then a botched springboard wristlock, then an Owen Hart-like enzuigiri. But Goldust hits his Curtain Call, then moves to shatter the Blazer’s dreams before Jeff Jarrett makes the save. Michael Cole says this “ends the speculation that Jarrett’s the Blazer”, despite the fact that Jeff has been caught under the Blazer mask before.
Steve Blackman then runs in, pump-kicks the Blazer, and, with Jarrett tied up with Goldust, unmasks the Blue Blazer as Owen Hart. Mystery solved! It was Owen all along, except when it was Jarrett or that third guy. “Are you sure that’s Owen Hart?” asks King, as Jarrett covers Blazer’s face with his shirt. Hey, it could be one of the 43 other Harts.
Tonight, Mark Henry debuts his new Barry White-style Sexual Chocolate theme music. The Hershey wrapper parody isn’t there yet, but he does have Terri and Jacqueline in his corner. Mark Henry calls himself a lover, not a fighter, so instead of wrestling, he’s going to spill the beans on his date with Chyna. Henry says Chyna invited him to bed and did the nasty while D’Lo filmed it.
It turns out, Mark Henry will wrestle after all, teaming with D’Lo Brown against Bob Holly and Scorpio. Michael Cole takes a moment to tell us Mick Foley is current polling in second place on Time Magazine’s online Man of the Year poll. While Terri distracts the rest of the JOB Squad, Jacqueline dropkicks Bob Holly from the top rope, setting him up to be slammed, splashed, and pinned by Mark Henry.
The WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Acclaim’s WWF WarZone, is Mankind’s skybox attack on The Rock before last night’s pay-per-view. Mankind beat up Rocky and didn’t have to pause to check the moves list once.
Fans make some noise up in this bizzitch (the Tacoma Dome, to be exact) for the New Age Outlaws, who once again defend their titles against Bossman and Shamrock. Bossman tries and fails to split Billy Gunn’s uprights on the ring post, but Ken swoops in with a chair to injure Billy’s leg. Shamrock and Bossman target Gunn’s leg until Billy makes the hot tag. The comeback is short-lived, as Shawn sneaks a chair shot to Dogg’s back; Bossman scores a two-count.
Road Dogg then punches Bossman square in the testicles i right in front of the referee, who inexplicably lets the match continue. Also inexplicably, Road Dogg tags in the injured Gunn, who hops into the ring on one foot. Billy accosts Michaels, but the commissioner hits him with a night stick. Shamrock puts the ankle lock on the unconscious Gunn; Hebner raises and drops Gunn’s arm three times before declaring the Corporate Team the winners and new champions. Neither announcer points out that this is the same way Mankind beat The Rock last night but was denied the championship due to the champion not “submitting”.
The McMahon men are here to determine Steve Austin’s order of entry in the Royal Rumble. While they’re at it, they book Mankind against Kane for tonight. Drawing a ball from his corporate tumbler, McMahon announces that Steve Austin has drawn #1. But Shane McMahon says that’s not fair and draws another number. Relieved, Michael Cole notes that the worst Austin can draw now is number two, which is actually just as bad as one (and not just according to that song). But lo and behold, it’s #1 again. Making matters worse for Austin, the person who eliminates him gets a hundred grand (from Shane’s trust fund).
There’s another Superstar who’s going to compete in the Royal Rumble for the very first time, says Vince. Shane calls him the most omniscient, omnipotent sports entertainer in history. No, not Almighty God (who wouldn’t debut until 2006 and has yet to appear in a Rumble). He means Vince McMahon himself. “You damn right”, says Vince, quoting Isaac Hayes. Vince says he hopes he draws #2, but Shane reaches into the tumbler and picks out (he claims) #30. There’s no chance in hell Stone Cold will ever be WWF champion again, says Vince.
Mankind interrupts the festivities to challenge Vince McMahon to a match tonight. Instead of Kane, he’ll face the owner, unless Vince lacks the “testicular fortitude” (a phrase he first used last night). An upset Vince storms out of the ring as if he couldn’t just say no.
Cashing in on Jesse Ventura’s recent gubernatorial win, the WWF has started acknowledging his existence again and is even selling a new video tape about him. I wonder who gets the royalties.
The WWF Rewind presented by Glover is Debra’s aborted striptease from last night’s Rock Bottom.
When WWF Raw returns, the stooges discuss McMahon’s options re: Mankind’s challenge.
Next up is a guitar-on-a-pole match, which Michael Cole says is won by retrieving the guitar. Lawler corrects him, stating that whoever gets the guitar can use it as a weapon. Jeff Jarrett vows to win the match and smash Steve Blackman’s “square-ass head”. Jarrett also promises no stripping from Debra, but Debra isn’t so sure, having developed a taste for the burlesque art last night.
On that note, Debra teases Blackman while Jeff Jarrett makes a failed attempt at the guitar on the pole. Lawler says he wants to see those “bra-busters”, “puppies” having yet to be coined. Debra goes further on her second attempt, allowing Jarrett to grab the guitar but miss Steve when coming off the top rope. This allows Blackman to grab the guitar, which, it’s important to note, can legally be used by anyone, not just the person who retrieved it off the pole.
Blackman swings and misses, and the guitar ends up on the mat. The referee gets knocked out of the ring, allowing Owen Hart to run in with a guitar of his own and smash Blackman over the head with it. While he’s not an official participant in the match, and that is not the official guitar, it’s unclear whether this would have drawn a disqualification had the referee seen it. The referee, once placed back into the ring, counts the 1-2-3 for Jarrett.
Backstage, Tiger Ali Singh sits in the locker room, the word “bloodbath” scrawled on the walls with some type of red liquid. As there’s no way Tiger Ali Singh would be afforded a dressing room of his own, he shouldn’t freak out—this was probably meant for someone else. Tiger speaks to Patterson and Brisco, though audio of Vince McMahon plays over top of them; the upshot is, Singh thinks the Brood are maniacs and he is afraid to face them.
Also backstage, as heard in the Tiger segment, Vince McMahon speaks with his son. The elder McMahon accepts Mankind’s challenge, but on his own terms. When WWF Raw returns, after a shot of some Seattle Seahawks in the front row, cameras catch Vince revealing his svelte physique before he kicks the crew out.
Tiger Ali Singh is already in the ring when the lights flicker on and off. Tiger gets chased up the ramp, where the Brood attack him. Babu is nowhere to be found. When the lights go back up, Tiger is covered in blood! Yes, they use the b-word! We thus discover the rules of the word, “blood”.
- If it’s real and coming out of a wrestler, it’s “busted open”.
- If it’s fake and covering a wrestler, it’s blood.
- If it’s fake and being drunk by someone with a gothic lifestyle, it’s “red liquid”.
WWF Raw returns with footage from the commercial break, when firefighters helped the blood-drenched Tiger Ali Singh backstage.
Mankind arrives with his new remixed Laura Palmer’s Theme entrance music. Next out is Kane, complete with “hellfire and brimstone” as JR would say. To explain Ross’s absence once again, Michael Cole claims he is “under the weather”. Last night, some of JR’s unused WWF Raw commentary ended up in the hype package for Undertaker vs. Austin.
Kane attacks Mankind from the outset of the match until the action spills to the outside. Mankind tries to use the steps as a weapon but gets them kicked in his face. Kane then smashes Mankind in the face with them. Just when Mankind starts to even things up, Vince McMahon walks out with a microphone and challenges Foley to a street fight in the parking lot. Mankind then walks out of the Kane match so that the advertised bout technically has taken place but no one has to lose.
During the commercial break, tag team champs Bossman & Shamrock jump Kane, who is then straitjacketed by orderlies and taken away in an ambulance.
I was about to say that Vince’s challenge to Mankind was simply a ruse to get Foley out of the ring and to isolate Kane, but the street fight is in fact taking place, and McMahon is in fact getting his ass kicked. Despite interference by the stooges, Mankind and Socko lock the Mandible Claw on Vince. Mankind puts McMahon in the trunk of a car, but before he can shut it, The Rock shows up and gives Mankind a Rock Bottom on the hood.
In the final segment of WWF Raw, Triple H does his shtick—no makeup this time—and faces The Rock for the title. Originally, you’ll recall, this was a non-title match until Triple H goaded The Rock into putting the championship on the line. Low-key goaded. 6-7 skibidi mid.
Speaking of nonsense, The Rock steals Michael Cole’s headset and calls him a “jam badroni” before doing his own commentary. Triple H, says Rock, looks like Tarzan but wrestles like Jane. But when Mike Adamle says it, it’s stupid, huh?
Back in the ring, Rock wears down Hunter with chin locks; “Rocky sucks” chants give way when Rocky body-slams Hunter to set up for the Corporate Elbow. It seems everyone loves the Corporate Elbow. They also cheer when Triple H kicks out. Rock puts on another chin lock, which Triple H escapes with a back suplex to set up a double-down spot.
The match reset, Triple H goes on the offensive (and I don’t mean another blackface skit), but The Rock kicks out of Hunter’s knee smash. Commissioner Michaels accosts Hunter, which backfires when Chyna runs in, referee distracted, and uppercuts the Corporate Jewels. Triple H hits a DDT for a two-count.
Michaels then gets in Chyna’s face, drawing the referee’s attention and allowing Michaels to smash his old D-X pal in the back with the title belt. The Rock lays one arm over Triple H and scores but a two-count.
The referee gets distracted a third time when Chyna grabs Shawn by the lapel, allowing a tall blond gentleman in leather pants to step into the ring. Cole thinks he recognizes the man, who hits Triple H with a pump-handle powerslam. The Rock scores the pinfall, and King and Cole figure out that this was the Mötley Crüe bödygüard from a few months back.
Final tally:
12 sphincters (Year total: 12)