Induction: JBL Is Poopy – And a murderer (almost)

37 Submitted by on Thu, 01 October 2015, 20:05

WWE, 2008

Often in wrestling, writers will book an old angle all over again, but stupider.

In 2000, The Rock led a walk-out against the ruthless heel authority figures for firing Mick Foley.

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Eleven years later, Jerry Lawler led a walk-out against the fan-friendly authority figure for negligence and anal bleeding.

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In 2006, DX dropped simulated fecal matter on the McMahons and Spirit Squad.

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Six years later, John Cena did the same thing to Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee, but with what appeared to be melted ice cream that no one was allowed to explicitly call feces.

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And speaking of John Cena and pranks and poop, in 2005, the Doctor of Thuganomics offered JBL a custom paint job for his limo.

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Just three years later, he was at it again, claiming to “help” JBL’s limo pass inspection by smashing his windshield for the sake of ventilation, installing speed holes to make the car go faster, etc.

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The re-hashing of storylines and segments was particularly blatant in this case. Just look for yourself:

  

 

2005 Cena vandalized JBL’s limo… 2008 Cena vandalized JBL’s limo.
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2005 Cena spray-painted, “JBL sucks”… 2008 Cena spray-painted, “JBL sucks.”
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No, scratch that. 2008 Cena spray-painted, “JBL is poopy.”

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If you were looking for proof that Cena had lost his edge over the years, this was your smoking gun. Or, if you will, your steaming pile of excrement that shared many properties with JBL.

I’m not saying that saying somebody “sucks” makes you a badass, but if the word, “poopy” is in your vocabulary at all, you probably never even saw 2005 John Cena unless the TV in the delivery room was tuned to UPN.

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As if the “poopy” stunt weren’t stupid enough already, JBL’s revenge for it would be an even bigger overreaction than when Kevin Nash fought lipstick with poop.

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It always comes back to poop in wrestling, doesn’t it?

The whole reason Cena and Cryme Tyme busted up JBL’s limo in the first place was because the Texan had gotten his own private security team (including his Mexican understudy Alberto Del Río) to bar Cena from the arena a week earlier. Of course, Cena snuck back in and, along with JTG and Shad Gaspard, cost JBL his title match against CM Punk.   poopy14poopy98
poopy15 Cena didn’t think that his distraction the week before was revenge enough though, probably because, as the designated jobber to paper champions, JBL was due to lose to CM Punk anyway. (See also Mysterio, Rey)
Thus, Cena and his buddies of the month smashed up Bradshaw’s limo. The next week on Raw, JBL would get his payback. Now, 2005 JBL had John Cena arrested for vandalism… poopy16
poopy17  …but 2008 JBL, having already ordered a group of men in uniform to detain Cena two weeks before, decided to step up the retribution ever so slightly by murdering him.
The plan was simple: lure Cena outside of the arena… poopy18
poopy19 …jump him in the parking lot…
…prop him up against one car… poopy20
poopy21 …and smash into his head with another car going about 20 mph.
And just to make sure his plan went off without a hitch, JBL obviously executed the whole plan earlier in the night and had the production truck simply air it at the end of Raw. burlap20 
poopy99  Really, the whole murder plot was pretty fool-proof, aside from the presence of half a dozen camera men filming the scene from an impossible number of angles…
…including one inside the parked car… poopy23
poopy24  …and one on the hood of JBL’s own car, apparently sitting in the passenger’s seat to capture a shot of an unconscious Cena, continuity errors be damned — uh, darned. Just look at poor John there, splayed spread-eagle as if to say, “You can’t see me… but you can see my perineum!”
Even after filming take after take of vehicular homicide, JBL felt no joy when the scene was completed, instead looking remorsefully at the atrocity he had just committed and leaving the premises. poopy25
 

If even JBL was sickened by what he saw, it must have been a gruesome sight indeed. So, you may be asking, were we to believe that John Cena lay pinned between two cars, bleeding through a skull smashed into a million pieces? You just answered your question, because John Cena never gets pinned, even if it is between two cars.

More importantly, he had a match in just six days at the Great American Bash, so he couldn’t afford to be dead. As it turned out, rumors of Cena’s demise had been greatly exaggerated (and comically over-produced), as readers of WWE.com learned that he had managed to escape in the nick of time, having only been grazed by JBL’s car.

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Cena, who just a split-second before impact had been completely unresponsive, was able to move out of the way with a minimum of contact with the oncoming car. Which part of the car grazed him, we’ll never know. Did he leap to the far side of the car and avoid detection by the hordes of cameramen, or was he stuck underneath JBL’s car when Raw went off the air?

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By the following Sunday, someone in WWE had remembered that later that week, its programming was to be certified as TV-PG, so storylines about attempted murder would have to be spun into something tamer, like, say, harmless mind games!

Yes, explained Michael Cole. When JBL tried to smash his car into John Cena’s cranium, it was just to scare Cena. What was presented one week as attempted vehicular homicide was the next week passed off as a prank from Swerved gone a little far. burlap20
John had the chance in a Parking Lot Brawl to exact revenge on JBL for, uh, scaring him.
Cena was lucky he only had to wait six days to get his revenge; Steve Austin was sidelined for almost a year when he got brutally startled by a car. poopy28
poopy29 It seems that everybody in WWE was brought up to speed on the whole “scare tactics, not murder” cover story, except for JBL himself, who set fire to a car with Cena inside it. Fortunately, the announcers passed that off as JBL just topping himself in the edgy pranks department.

In the end, it was all just another night’s work for Super Cena, who, after a few Irish whips in the parking lot…

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…and some fun with jumper cables…

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…overcame the odds as he always does to beat —

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What? JBL beat Cena? I bet Cena didn’t see that one coming…

…unlike JBL’s car, which he famously avoided in the nick of time.

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Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He also runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws. Follow him on Twitter @Art0Donnell. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
37 Responses to "Induction: JBL Is Poopy – And a murderer (almost)"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Wow! This is one of the dumbest angles I’ve ever seen… and that’s saying something! Great induction, Art!

  2. Down With OPC says:

    This is a prime example of WWE not knowing how to properly handle “PG” storylines.

  3. Gotchism For Life says:

    Wow. Cena sucks.

    Since this site is viewed by not only wrestling fans, but wrestling aficionados…Let me ask a question.

    At this stage in the game, with the tired, rehashed soap opera stories carried out with the acting skill of a late night insurance commercial…

    Would a wrestling company that downplayed theatrics and tried to present it as a sport, going so far as to track Win-Loss records and have an off season of 1-2 months be something that would stand out, or has McMahon so warped wrestling that it would be crapped on?

    • Cenamark says:

      I’ll ignore your first comment and offer a civil opinion.
      It could catch a following with fans who love Japanese style action. Though I doubt an off season would work in the wrestling business as they’d be out of sight out of mind, and their talent would probably end up working somewhere else during the off season. I wish there was an off season for wrestlers to recover, but right now it’s just not realistic.
      Japan has diverse offerings, unfortunately in the U.S. its been hard for a #2 promotion to really rise up. TNA wasted the wonderful potential they had in 08, but lets see what ROH does.

    • outlawtotheend says:

      Either way, I wish someone would try.

  4. John C says:

    I guess he was saved just in the Nikki of time. Or you could say he was saved by the Bella. Those jokes are so poopy. And in case you can see me the name John C does not mean this is John Cena.

  5. Cameron A. says:

    There’s also a connection between Stone Cold Steve Austin driving a semi-truck into HHH’s ambulance, the NWO driving a semi-truck into The Rock’s ambulance, and JBL attempting his vehicular homicide on Cena. You’d think JBL would figure out that even if he hit Cena, in WWE world, a T-bone collision usually means you’re out one or two weeks, then you come back no worse for wear aside from the optional head bandage.

  6. Matthew Norris says:

    I just remember from the curt Hawkins shoot. He was sitting with Mark Henry watching this match when Mark Henry yells out “since when is murder pg!”

  7. Sean Bateman says:

    Now Cena is poopy

  8. Anonymous says:

    This angle is so notorious that for some reason I just assumed that it HAD to have been already inducted, even though I certainly never remembered reading it on here before.

    Glad to see that now it IS finally on WrestleCrap. Nice job with the induction!

  9. Derren says:

    Even Cena seems a little frustrated with the child-friendly tone and having his previously edgy persona neutered over the years. I remember when he cut a promo on the Miz and said something like “you’re lactose intolerant, which means you poop yourself a lot.” Never mind the fact that it’s redundant using a medical term if you’re just going to assume that the kids watching don’t know what it means and you immediately explain it. He might as well have just said “you poop yourself a lot.” But then after the groans in the audience, Cena said “it’s PG, I’m doing the best I can here” which actually got a few laughs in the crowd.

    Thing is though, you don’t need loads of swearing and sex or hyper-violence to have a show that appeals to grown-ups (in fact, these elements often make it seem more childish), nor do you need loads of ‘poop’ references and cute little mascots to appeal to kids. It’s totally possible to please both audiences, but there needs to be consistency. This angle was obviously hideously inconsistent, beginning with vandalism from the hero and a ‘poopy’ reference, leading immediately to attempted murder, then shrugging it off as just trolling Cena. This is what made the angle especially bad, it didn’t have a grasp on what it was trying to be or who it was trying to please.

    • Cenamark says:

      A lot of people think Cena went soft with the PG rating, but they are wrong. Cena became stronger than ever. His fan base grew from a mere gang into a vast nation, a CeNation! He wins a lot more frequently now than he did back then. 8 years ago Cena was very much an up and coming star, now he’s the greatest of his generation, the face of the WWE for years.
      These changes also changed Cena. He didn’t become soft, he grew up. As Cena improved he left his old thug ways behind. He doesn’t need to bring a chain to the ring anymore, now his weapon is his determination. With his success Cena became a role model. Now he could have been like, “I didn’t choose to be a role model.” like many athletes, but Cena embraced it.
      I know many don’t like Cena, but he’s awesome no matter the TV parental rating, and if you disagree with that, its probably because you poop your pants!

    • Down With OPC says:

      This right here explains everything wrong with WWE.

  10. Markus Raymond says:

    This is Wrestling Poopy! 🙁

  11. CP says:

    Yet another reason why I stopped watching wrestling when I did. 2008-09 in general was a bad time for WWE.

  12. Josh says:

    “…if the word, “poopy” is in your vocabulary at all, you probably never even saw 2005 John Cena unless the TV in the delivery room was tuned to UPN.”

    Well, they might be a connoisseur of donkey meat.

  13. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Surprised 2004’s “Cena Gets Stabbed!!!” angle hasn’t been inducted. The again that was too disgusting and bore far too many similarities to the real life murder of Bruiser Brody.

    • Guest says:

      Aside from the fact Brody was stabbed in the shower during a conversation that went south whereas Cena was stabbed by Carlito’s grunt in a club……who scraps in a club when you can go for a gun?

  14. Jimbolian says:

    Wrestlepoopy.com

    Now that’s a URL not taken….yet.

  15. Mister Forth says:

    It was weird JBL won, but Cena got his win back during the whole HBK financial angle.

    Boy did this point feel rather thrown together before they slightly improved the product.

  16. John C says:

    This was really just based on a spelling mistake by the Dr. Of Thuganomics as he really meant to write JBL is Popeye.

  17. Caveman says:

    I had absolutely no recollection of this angle before reading this, except having a dim recollection of Alberto Del Rio as security. I wonder why. I do remember the first time Cena sprayed JBL’s limousine, however. Go figure.

    On a side note, when someone’s using 2006 “DX” as the example for the “better” version of an angle, it’s obvious how terrible the remake must be.

  18. Deez says:

    It’s not that going PG is the problem. It’s that WWE sticks to the bare minimum approach. The motto seems to be “Don’t try too hard” because then people will expect a better quality product. That’s why when someone does put on a decent match or cut a decent promo by today’s standards, everybody loses their minds and overrates it to Hell.

    People claim the Attitude Era is overrated yet WWE seems compelled to put out yearly DVD sets documenting it and the Monday Night Wars. Don’t get me wrong there was loads of wrestling crap that came out of that time too but for different reasons. They may have struck out but they went down swinging. This kind of stuff is insulting. Ripping off an angle from 3 years earlier with the exact same participants and basically highlighting just how lame the product has gotten in that short time frame.

    It’s hard to imagine Stone Cold getting over at the 96 King of the Ring by telling everyone about how he “kicked Jake the Snake’s rear end” in a PG manner before cracking a groan inducing joke that 4th graders wouldn’t laugh at. I guess when you’ve crushed all your competition you can get away with rolling out a sub standard product knowing you’re the only game left in town.

    • Guest says:

      Austin’s KOTR 96 promo would never be work in a modern setting……considering WWE stopped caring about the prominence of KOTR some few years ago though we’d probably still get the godawful “WHAT” chants.

      I do agree with the first though AJ’s promo on the Total Divas cast is the epitome of people overrating a promo and insisting someone has skill they don’t actually have.

    • Philip says:

      The Attitude Era IS overrated. Scrape off all the blood, tits and swearing and you’ve got a large number of blink-and-you’ll-miss-them garbage matches that had false finishes & no real pay-off, and a mid-card that oftentimes took a backseat to the seemingly never-ending Austin/McMahon war. The nostalgia factor is what keeps Attitude so prominent in a lot of modern fans’ minds, because they were impressionable teenagers back then and didn’t know any better.

  19. Rein Engel says:

    Art, you really need to step up your writing. You wrote an entire article using facts and by accurately remembering details. RD, who writes like he’s blogging, would rather you give your opinion every few words and go off on tangents about yourself, your life and people in your life, regardless of how well you connect it to the topic of the article you’re writing.

    Example: “I came across this angle during a dark, stormy night at the Reynolds house. My dog was running in circles, causing me to ask myself “RD, why is your dog running in circles?” aloud. I suspect it was because John Cena was spray painting things on a limo. I wonder if they got extra insurance, like the Misses and I did when we rented a limousine, and if it covers shenanigans like this.”

    See? That’s quality stuff there, unlike this tripe. Get it right.

  20. AdamX says:

    Cena getting stabbed was somehow and I’m not sure if this is anywhere near the truth but it’d have liked to have seen how they worked it regardless….NEW JACK IN THE E!

  21. Andre R. says:

    God, I’ve always hated ANY wrestling angle or segment having to do with bodily fluids and excretions. Sure, they bleed in the ring sometimes, but I’m talking about the times when they used urine, feces and semen as fodder in their attempts at “being entertaining”. It’s disgusting is what it is, and IMO does not belong in pro wrestling at all. I remember when Joey Styles cut his awesome “I’ve Had Enough Of This S*** And I Quit” worked shoot promo, and I felt the exact same way. Crap like that is not why I watch WWE. And to tell the truth, I can do without all the sexually explicit angles and characters as well. I go elsewhere for that kind of thing. And recently, there was a YouTube vid that used footage from The Monday Night War series of episodes where some of the guys talked about how bad WCW was near the end and how “there’s only so much bad TV one can watch.” And the YT vid showed clips from the last 15 years worth of WWE TV in place of the WCW TV that had been there originally. And that made me think “Damn, WWE has got one hell of a nerve telling us how bad WCW was and then never acknowledging just how incredibly terrible THEY could be.” But why the hell would they do that? You know? Damn……

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