WCW, 1999

It’s safe to say that the Randy Savage of 1999 was not the same Macho Man wrestling fans remembered from the 80s or even the early 90s.

Now substantially bulkier for reasons I won’t speculate about, this Randy Savage was no longer a high-flyer.

Instead of Miss Elizabeth at his side, Macho Man now had a three-woman entourage consisting of Madusa, Miss Madness (Nora Greenwald, aka Molly Holly), and the curiously-named Gorgeous George, who was not the legendary wrestler of the 50s, but Savage’s girlfriend. Originally, WCW had bought the rights to the name “Gorgeous George” so that Randy’s brother Lanny could use it. Though still collecting a 6-figure salary, Lanny never wrestled for WCW, so they gave the legendary moniker to Randy’s girlfriend instead of his brother.

Imagine if Eva Marie had debuted as, I don’t know, “The Sheik.”

“All red everything!”

So given all that ridiculousness, what was the harm in putting Savage into what was literally one of the stupidest WCW angles of late spring ’99?

At first, the angle concerned Savage wanting Kevin Nash’s WCW title, but after giving Kevin Nash the standard beating, Macho Man pulled something new from his bag of tricks. Actually, he pulled it from his girlfriend’s bag: lipstick. Frankly, I can think of something much funnier from a woman’s purse to apply to an opponent, but I digress.
	Randy then painted Nash’s lips, but rather than just leaving it at that and having the big man wake up and walk around for the rest of the night with lipstick on unknowingly, Randy really went to town with the lipstick, scribbling over Nash’s face so that it looked like warpaint.
Kevin Nash was helpless, except for the moment when a fan tried to jump into the ring, at which point he sat up and became surprisingly alert.
	The next week, Macho Man did the exact same thing. I’m sure most of the audience failed to see how being made to look like Tatanka was supposed to be some huge indignity…
(at least until about 2005)
	But to Randy and any seven-year-olds watching, it meant that Kevin Nash was gay and needed to go back in “the closet,” as he put it a week later.
Savage then said that he would face the WCW champion right then and there on Nitro. Instead, he brought out a fake Kevin Nash in a sequined dress, taunting him some more to come out of the closet.
	They proceeded to have a bogus exhibition match where, despite the fact that this fake Nash was clearly on Savage’s payroll and was only there to make Randy look good, the Macho Man still needed his three valets to interfere on his behalf to win.
And he needed to distract the referee while they did it. If the referee had seen the interference, do you think he would have awarded Fake Kevin Nash the match by disqualification?
	All the while, Eric Bischoff, clearly out of his element as a babyface announcer, tried to top Macho Man’s childishness by insisting that Miss Madness (the future Molly Holly) was actually a man after performing a huracanrana. At least he didn’t try to say she had a big ass.
So how would Nash respond to these lipstick-and-dress antics? Maybe he’d knock out Randy and give him the full makeup treatment, complete with powder and rouge. Or maybe he’d make Savage wear a dress if he lost his title match at Great American Bash.
	Kevin Nash did none of these things, instead upping the ante with — care to guess? Poop? Snakes?
Nope. You were right the first time. It was poop.
	After cutting off Savage’s limo and trapping Randy and his ladies inside, Nash blasted sewage through the sunroof. I assume the “sewage” was really just brown and water, but still, good gravy! Nash clearly had no concept of proportionality.
That would be like Jake Roberts siccing a cobra on Randy for snubbing him on the wedding invitations. Okay, Jake really did do that, but imagine if he had pooped on Randy, instead.
	The audience at home was lucky enough to get an up-close-and-personal look at Team Madness’s reaction to the hosing. Gee, I hope the camera man didn’t mind getting doused with sewage, too.
The next week on Nitro, Randy Savage came prepared, with revenge on his mind and a bucket of what was implied to be his own feces in his hand. Macho Man said it had been fermenting for a week, meaning that the idea of pooping into a container and dumping it on Kevin Nash had popped into his head immediately after last Monday’s sewage incident, and he never second-guessed it. Or maybe he just pooped in the bucket last Monday and then came up with a plan for it later.
	“I am the lord and master of kid games,” said Randy as he lugged the tub of his own excrement. This was Macho Man’s idea of a “kid game;” personally, I usually stuck with kickball as a kid, but maybe I just lived a sheltered childhood.
Randy walked to the ring to taunt Nash for hiding from him. He then offered to take on anyone in the locker room but received no immediate response. Surprisingly, no one was willing to challenge Macho Man in the middle of the ring — a ring that contained an open bucket of Savage’s feces.
	Finally, Sting showed up to take Macho Man up on his offer for later in the night, further solidifying his reputation as the dumbest man in wrestling.
Minutes later, Kevin Nash came to the ring with his belt and a big piece of luggage to challenge Savage. Randy arrived with his big crap bucket and a microphone to tell Nash, “Yer a stooopid perrrr-siiiiin.”
	“Nobody has ever done that to the Macho Man Randy Savage,” said Macho. Really? That was the first time anyone had ever pumped sewage into his limousine? No kidding. He then insisted that Big Sexy admit he was a monkey.
As Macho carefully brought his bucket into the ring, Nash left in a rush — it may have had to do with the bucket of feces Savage was carrying, but we can’t be sure.
	Nash wouldn’t get back into the ring, let alone admit he was a monkey, until Macho put down his bucket, at which point Nash’s bag started moving.
A woman emerged from the luggage and dumped the mystery brown sludge onto Macho’s head and pink mohair jacket…
	…while the announcers howled like some kind of monkeys — howler monkeys, I suppose. Do you think that’s the kind of monkey Kevin Nash wouldn’t admit to being?
Fortunately, WCW’s ring crew quickly sprung into action to clean up Randy Savage’s poop from off the canvas.
	The whole incident raised some serious questions, such as: Did Kevin Nash hire a female contortionist Monday evening after he saw Savage carrying around the poop bucket?
Did he just make a lucky guess that Randy would retaliate for the limo prank by carrying around a container of his own feces the next week on Nitro?
	Or did Kevin Nash always carry around a woman in a bag, and it finally came in handy?
Unfortunately, Nash’s bag trick ensured that that night’s Sting-Savage main event would be poop-free, which must have wreaked havoc on their final quarter-hour ratings.
	Later that night, Savage’s entourage convinced Nash to ride in their limo for a “girls’ night out.” Remember, these are the same people whom Nash had doused in sewage just one week earlier. After trapping them in a limo. Nash got in anyway. I guess Randy was right: Kevin Nash was a stupid person.
It turned out, Savage was in the drivers’ seat, pulling the limo into the path of a white Hummer, which repeatedly rammed into the vehicle with a helpless Kevin Nash trapped inside. Hey! Violence! In the midst of all the lipstick and poop being flung around, I had forgotten you could use violence in a wrestling angle.
	A dazed Nash struggle to open the car door and no doubt wondered who was driving the Hummer. He would get his answer at the Great American Bash.

It turned out it was the cameraman Nash sprayed with poop.

I think.