Induction: The Reunion

23 Submitted by on Thu, 14 August 2014, 20:00

The Reunion, 2011

The Reunion poster

When I say the word “reunion” what comes to mind? Having a cookout with some relatives that you haven’t seen for a long time? Going back to your high school and reliving memories with your old friends? John Cena going to Mexcio to rescue a kidnapped business man with your two estranged brothers to cash in the reward in order to start a business to gain the inheritance from your dead skank-of-a-father? If it’s that last one, you have serious problems. Serious, confusing, bewildering problems.

We all know that WWE loves to advertise their own products to the point of desensitization. How many times during Raw or Smackdown were we forced to watch trailers for The Marine, See No Evil, Dead Man Down, and The Call?

Now how many times can you recall seeing previews for “The Reunion”? It’s not like it was a bit role by some mid-carder. This was a movie starring John Cena. And it has a few real actors in it. How could something like this fall almost completely under the radar?

rottentomatos

Oh. That might explain it.

The Reunion is a 2011 action movie starring John Cena, Ethan Embray (Can’t Hardly Wait, Brotherhood), Amy Smart (Road Trip, Varsity Blues), and Boyd Holbrook (The Host, Behind The Candlebra). The movie was directed by Michael Pavone, whose other directorial credits include another WWE Studios movie “That’s What I Am”. I wonder if Orton ever did go to the papers.

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jimjohnston Netflix also labels this as a comedy, but any laughter is purely unintentional. But hey, at least Jim Johnston is involved with the movie. If we get Hakushi’s old theme, the movie will at least rate a 7 out of 10.
We begin our descent into madness with the kidnapping of rich business guy Kyle Wills. We know he’s rich because he’s reading the Wall Street Journal inside a limo. Props to WWE for showing restraint not having him cackle like Ted DiBiase or hail from Greenwich, Connecticut. limo
escalatedquickly The kidnapping goes off with the subtlety of a McMahon looking to wedge current events into storylines.
During this broad daylight kidnapping in a major U.S city, we meet the Carey family. Cena plays Sam, a suspended cop who looks like he’s on the Warlord’s diet of nothing but steak and human growth hormone sandwiches. cena
amysmart Leo (Embry) is his scummy bail bondsman brother and Nina (Smart) is their innocent sister. I guess they never saw “Road Trip”.
Their previously unknown brother Doug is released from prison and receives a standing ovation from his fellow inmates. Call me crazy, but I don’t think having a room full of convicts clapping for me would indicate a pleasant stay in the slammer. prison
dudleyfamily Their drunken skank of a father dies, bringing the 4 estranged siblings together from four different mothers together. It’s as if someone read the Wikipedia entry for the Dudley Boys and said, “Yeah, that should be in the movie.”
It turns out Big Poppa Skank(TM) was also a fan of wacky premises because in order for everyone to receive their inheritance, they have to start a business together and maintain it for 2 years. Premise! Premise-Beach
eggs Apparently, deep family discussions about money involve eating scrambled eggs and only scrambled eggs. Cena need protein! Cena forget how sun works without protein! Cena do hurricanrana!
As convenience would have it, one of the cons that kidnapped Wills, Edgar Rodriguez, also skipped bail, leaving Leo in debt. What a coincidence! In an Olympic feat of mental gymnastics, the brothers decide to track down Rodriguez, save Wills, and collect the reward money to start their bail bonds business. Confusing plot displeases Cena! displecena
flim The brothers head down to Mexico because it makes the story better and totally not because it’s way cheaper to film in the desert and hire cheap extras. I mean, there were cheaper options…
You know what’s even cheaper? Green Screen! Apparently green screens give Cena simultaneous strokes.
The best lead they have is that Martinez was involved with a stripper simply named “Angelina”. She suffers from the same affliction that forces most Divas from having a last name. Still, that’s really not much to go on. I mean, that could takes months even years to…
greenscreen
thatwaseasy Well, that was was easy.
Doug manages to score the old in-and-out with Angelina because he’s all caring and sensitive to a woman’s needs. Either that or Angelina knew Cena would “kick out” at two. At least it was less awkward than Edge and Lita’s “Live Sex Celebration”. livesex1
livesexcelebration Well, maybe not. Yeesh!
Rodriguez, who looks like a greasier Tom Savini, walks in on the two, but Cena makes the save, killing Rodriguez in the process. Whoopsies! edgarrodriguez
MCDBLBR EC031 Through movie magic and plot holes, the brothers discover another person who knew Rodriguez, a woman named Theresa. Her grandfather is killed for helping them, but, hey, at least she still looks fabulous.
Theresa suggests that they ask local drug lord/wicker chair enthusiast Verduga for help locating the kidnappers. Surprisingly, the drug lord is of little help. But man does he look comfy. verduga
faxmachine While all of this is occurring, Wills is being forced to transfer his money to the kidnappers. Transmit! Transmit!
Apparently, Wills makes his money buying up companies, firing the employees, and selling the assets. And I thought it was from wrestling in WCW in the mid 90′s m wallstreet
badguy I’m not trying to be vague when referencing the kidnappers. Without looking at IMDB, I’d have no idea what their names are. Maybe they were mentioned once? Maybe not. At least he has wi-fi.
Theresa eventually joins the brothers as they get closer to finding Wills. The movie then hits the “Michael Bay” button as a whole bunch of explosions occur. That oughta distract the audience for a while! explosion
noidea

Yeah, me neither, dude.

The group manages to find a building full of weapons to help them stage a raid on the kidnappers and rescue Wills. Why is there a building full of weapons in the Mexican desert?
In a wacky, Attitude-era worthy double-cross, Verduga ends up rescuing Wills while the brothers and Theresa go after the kidnappers. A gun fight ensues because BLAPBLAPBLAP! is better than story. blapblap
stuntdouble Cue the obligatory jump onto a helicopter! I’d say it was nice of John Cena’s stunt double to make an appearance, but that would mean the movie could actually afford to pay for a stunt double.
They stop the kidnappers, but go home empty-handed and poor, like anyone who still orders Pay Per Views. Hey, people are still upset over Ryback-leground. rybackleground
lie But wait! A Russo-esque swerve occurs as it turns out that Nina lied about the inheritance. It was all just a ploy to bring the brothers together.I guess  no one else decided to, y’know, actually read their father’s will.
Sure they were shot at, exploded at, dragged throughout the Mexican prairie, assaulted, and forced to kill several people on foreign soil, but gosh darn it, they learned to be a family. And that’s what’s important, right?

family

cliched You’ve got that right, bearded kidnapper whom I also do not know the name of and isn’t Saul Rubinek.
If you’ve made it this far, you can tell that The Reunion isn’t good. It’s like someone threw a bunch of movie plots under a Slap Chop and then decided to put John Cena in it for some reason. slapchop
bellacenareunion Heck, we didn’t even get to see Nikki Bella in this reunion. We really could’ve used her words of wisdom.
At least we got to see what Cena would look like as “Cowboy” John Cena. Hustle. Loyalty. Giddy-up. cowboycena
undertakerhat And “Cenataker”.

Overall, The Reunion was a pretty big pile of terrible. The worst part? Peaches & Herb’s “Reunited” wasn’t used once.

peachesandherb

And you know what? If you don’t feel like watching the movie for free on Netflix, you can always read it.

Or use it to level your couch.

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Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown. If you like horror movies, check out www.365daysofhorrormovies.blogspot.com
23 Responses to "Induction: The Reunion"
  1. E-Squared says:

    I actually watched this about a month ago when I found it on Showtime On Demand. I took the movie for what it was, but even I can say that the ending was a swerve. I didn’t mind the movie, but I don’t know if I want to rewatch it.

    As for the other movies that you mentioned, I actually liked “Dead Man Down” and “The Call.” I still remember seeing those two in theaters last year. The only other movies from WWE Studios that I have seen in theaters were “12 Rounds” and “Oculus.”

    • John Matrix says:

      The first hour of The Call was pretty good, but it went to hell in the final 30 minutes.

      Dead Man Down wasn’t bad.

    • Jinx says:

      Dead Man Down was actually a pleasant surprise. Although I was disappointed Wade Barrett didn’t once say “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news”.

  2. RD Reynolds says:

    Even Peaches & Herb couldn’t save this one…so they didn’t bother.

  3. Roger says:

    No funny subtitle this time?

  4. Boz says:

    I paid 50p in a local pound shop for this. Damn you WWE, I want my money back and compensation for being so stupid.

  5. The Doctor of Style says:

    Hey, Kids in the Hall on Wrestlecrap! And dressed in their Kona Crush clothes!

    Plus…a Saul Rubinek reference?!

    • The Doctor of Style says:

      Woo-hoo, Wrestlecrap comment #25,000!

      P.S. Sorry if I double-posted. There was an error message the 1st time about a plug-in.

  6. John says:

    hahahaha! I wonder if WWE will make their own version of Brokeback Mountain after seeing John Cena in a cowboy hat.

    Hustle. Loyalty. GIDDY UP! Had me laughing so hard.

  7. Iain Grimsby says:

    I miss Art.

  8. Barry says:

    As soon as I saw that pic of Jim Johnston (‘s credit), I couldn’t help thinking of that scene from Police Squad.

    You know the one I mean!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=het1kl-A8qw

  9. Captain Ron says:

    Okay, I’m completely confused….WHY did they go after Wills again? Did that have anything to do with the fake inheritence?

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      I *think* they went to get the guy who skipped bail (costing Embray’s character thousands of dollars) and when Cena’s character killed him, they decided to save Wills for the reward money. They were going to use that money to help start their business, which was a requirement to get their inheritance. An inheritance that didn’t exist and put them in grave danger and cost many people their lives. I think. There really isn’t much in the way of reviews for this movie and there’s no way I’m watching it again.

  10. Jimbolian says:

    A Kids In The Hall reference in MY Wrestlecrap? Well I’d never!

  11. Stephen says:

    So glad to see Jordan Mishkin writing inductions. I laughed many, many times.

    I hadn’t even heard of this particular WWE film. Was this really the one that was too awful to advertise?

  12. Mister Forth says:

    Guess h should’ve stopped at Legendary.

  13. D-Unit says:

    I actually didn’t think it was that terrible. It was a cliched action flick, but not a lot worse than the mainstream crap that comes out these days

  14. Jinx says:

    Ethan Embry? I guess the years after Freakylinks got canceled haven’t been too kind to him…

  15. 80's Guy says:

    Well, guess I’m in the minority because I liked it for what it was.

    That’s like a lot of WWE films I’ve seen, I don’t have any expectations going in.

    That being said, the Edge movie was actually pretty bad, and this is coming from somebody who didn’t mind Knucklehead or the Chaperone.

  16. Matt Soileau says:

    Michael Pavone used to write for the Lorenzo Lamas classic Renegade (not the WCW guy). So yeah, a real a-lister there…

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