What with it being Independence Day here in the good ol’ US of A, we thought it would be appropriate to highlight something American. After all, throughout wrestling history, it has seemingly been the goal of promoters to present something to create the most patriotic form of entertainment known to man. Oh, yeah, sure, some would say it’s actually more xenophobic than patriotic, but really, we say that’s just a matter of linguistics. You say tomato, I say tomah-to, all that crap.
Anyway, we scoured the vaults, hoping to find some lost piece of Americana that perhaps had slipped by us in years past. And Old Glory be, did we find it. You see, students, in thie storied history of this great nation, there’s been one constant: and that’s the need to bitch. In fact, we like to do it so much that we’ve adopted it as part of our electoral process. You want to be President? Then you need to argue better than anyone else.
It’s called a debate. And throughout these last 231 years, we’ve had some dandies. There was the famous John Kennedy-Richard Nixon debate, that saw television become a huge deciding factor in the voting process, as folks watching their Philcos decided that they wanted a pretty boy in the White House instead an old geezer who looked like he might keel over at any minute. On the subject of Kennedy, there was the time when Lloyd Bentsen quipped that Dan Quayle was, in fact, no John Kennedy. And, of course, there was perhaps the most famous debate in US history, that being Abe Lincoln versus Stephen Douglas way back in 1858, as the two debated what to do about slavery in the country.
A funny thing about that debate. It had the following format: one candidate spoke for an hour, then the other guy got an hour and a half, and then the first guy got to follow up with another half hour. So yes, it was a three hour debate, and basically set the stage for all debates to come in the future.
Imagine my shock and dismay, therefore, when I found this little clip on a 2002 episode of Raw:
The idea of Scott Steiner in a VERBAL DEBATE is baffling enough – the thought of him waxing philosophical for THREE HOURS is almost too much to fathom.
But yes, this did actually happen. Ok, it didn’t last three hours. In fact, I’m not sure if it even lasted three minutes. But Scott Steiner was in a verbal debate, just like those we outlined above. If that doesn’t sound bizarre enough, consider that Jerry Lawler actually DID compare this meeting of the minds to Nixon-Kennedy and Lincoln-Douglas.
All I can say is this” if Scott Steiner starts talking up how WWE needs to abolish slavery or better yet, get moving on its space program, I will dub this the greatest debate in American history.
Steiner’s opponent? None other than Harvard grad Christopher Nowinski, or “Harvard Chris” as he’s known to his friends. Yikes. And I didn’t have high hopes for the Big Booty Daddy to begin with.
Anyhoo, the debate is about Operation Iraqi Freedom. If you ever wanted to know just how ‘non-partisan’ WWE is, well, I think we’re about to find out which side the company is on.
Steiner is for the operation, and Nowinski, the heel, is against it. And there’s your answer.
Both men came out wearing their Sunday best, with Nowinski in a shirt, tie, and protective facial mask…
…and Steiner looking like he’d just pummeled a t-shirt vendor and then robbed King Arthur.
I never went to any debate meets when I was in school, but had I known I could play medieval dress up, I would have totally been there.
This also explains where those kids hang out now that they’re grown up: Reniassance fairs.
Nowinski starts by thanking Steiner for joining him in the “gentlemanly” debate, then proceeds to claim that the US government is using its military superiority to ‘bully’ smaller nations. He claims that the war is pointless, going on to ask if we will continue to invade countries that don’t share our political view point. He then wonders if we will invade North Korea or Syria next.
Sadly, he does not produce a globe from behind the podium to point out to Steiner where these countries are located.
Then Lawler says the words I’ve so been wanting to hear: “Scott Steiner, your rebuttal.”
Sure enough, we get it:
Well, hell, that’s what I want to see – Big Poppa Pump wrestling a country. Portugal, perhaps.
Oh wait, apparently he said, “I’ve wrestled IN a lot of countries.” Enunciation isn’t Scotty’s strong point.
Anyway, he says, and I quote, “Opinions are like assholes – everybody has one.” He then calls Nowinski a “Mater-debater”, and follows that up with a rant about the Dixie Chicks.
Screw the Jackass Summerslam stuff – I’d pay top dollar to see Scott Steiner versus the Dixie Chicks in some wacky stipulation bout, like a musical showdown ala Van Hammer and JT Southern back in the day.
(Oh, RD, you are so old…ain’t no one getting that reference.)
Anyway, he also states that those “Hollywood numb nuts can go straight to hell – or France!”
Should Hillary Clinton use any of those lines in any of her upcoming debates, I predict we will have our first female president.
Nowinski countered by saying, “I’ve tried to tell you that your views are wrong, but the only type of warning you understand is one that takes about three minutes,” which was, of course, the que for Three Minute Warning (Rosie before he was S.H.I.T. and a pre-Umaga, uh, Umaga) to hit the scene and lay waste.
And sure enough…
Was anybody backstage listening?
Apparently not. Steiner just kinda shrugs the screw up and proceeds to beat Nowinski to a pulp, stopping just long enough to fix his chainmail.
That’s important, you know.
Finally, the Samoan hit squad arrives with Rico in tow, and four on one is too much for even Big Poppa Pump to take.
Steiner is therefore left laying, as Nowinski celebrates by doing the worst push-ups this side of a morbidly obese sixth-grader.
Hmm, I wonder if Lincoln-Douglas ended the same way?
Honest Abe was rumored to be a wrestler, you know.