Induction: The WWE New Year’s Eve Toast: AJ and Dolph are Poopy

31 Submitted by on Thu, 02 January 2014, 21:00

WWE, 2012

It was New Year’s Eve, and WWE’s power couple, Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee, had promised an in-ring celebration to ring in 2013. Of course, there was no way that this segment would go off without a hitch, especially with the two hosts wearing this:

nye00

This should have set off alarms for everyone watching. After all, when was the last time someone wore a white suit in wrestling that didn’t get ruined? However, there would be no mishaps involving mere cake or punch on this night.

What we got instead was, quite literally, well… look at the name of this site. And don’t blame us if we’ve used that joke a dozen times already; blame WWE for constantly working scatological humor into their angles, whether it be hog-pen matches, dog-poop matches, Triple H’s un-housebroken bulldog, tainted burritos, sewage trucks, or cameras that sleep in baby carriages and soil their diapers.

nye01

In other words, it’s pretty much a given that every time Vince craps out a poop-based angle, we’ll be here to rub his nose in it.

This particular segment came soon after AJ Lee’s heel turn, when she pushed over John Cena’s ladder, cost him Dolph’s Money in the Bank contract, hooked up with Ziggler, and enlisted Big E Langston as an enforcer. Now, let there be no mistake about AJ’s relationship with Langston; while the Diva may have smooched a lot of guys in 2012, Big E wasn’t one of them. He was more like a big sister to AJ, someone who would protect her and whom she could look up to (what with his big, full breasts and all). nye02
nye04 Still, big sis or not, Langston had to stand guard outside the ring while Dolph and AJ made their toasts and uncorked their champagne.
One thing you might have missed was that AJ didn’t actually drink her glass of champagne. This was either because she was too young to drink grown-up drinks, or she had already started to GTS with CM Punk. nye05
nye06 Instead, Dolph clinked both glasses together and helped himself, perhaps channeling Troy McClure.
Dolph and AJ proceeded to run down John Cena for his many failures in 2012, including a loss to John Laurinaitis (who, besides CM Punk, was the only member of the roster to compete in two 5-star matches).
nye07

Two 5-star matches? Not bad for a “no-talent,” huh? Correct. Do not interpret this as sarcasm.

nye08 John Cena’s music then hit. At this point, it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to assume that Cena was going to crash the party and spray down Dolph and AJ with hose-fulls of champagne to match the “New Years’ Eve toast” theme of the night. That sort of thing had been done to death by Steve Austin and Kurt Angle, though, and John Cena’s humor was nothing if not cutting edge.
That’s how we got this picture of AJ, Dolph, and Big E in drag: nye09
nye10 The joke fell flatter than a pre-surgery Nikki Bella (or a Nikki Bella dropkick).
Then, he showed a composite of what AJ and Dolph’s baby would look like. Would the comedy ever stop? Or start, for that matter? nye11
nye12 This wasn’t even the first imbecilic baby joke of the night, as Mae Young had given birth to Hornswoggle just minutes before.
Next, Cena claimed that AJ had given birth to a whole litter of babies in the past. Because she’s promiscuous, you see. He then trotted out a Photoshop somehow even less creative than the previous two for some further yuks. nye13
nye14 Notice that the British Bulldogs’ pet Matilda was one of AJ’s supposed lovers. The stuff they let slip under the TV-PG radar… (At least they didn’t put Katie Vick’s head on any of those babies)
Even a mini-Eve was represented here, which, while biologically impossible, hinted at a fling between the then-Divas champion and AJ. I demand to know more. nye15
nye99 It’s odd that Cena would pick Eve, with whom he himself had had an infamous on-air make-out session, but I guess it was between either her or the porno actress he allegedly slept with, costing him his marriage.
But it was worth it to see John Cena stick it to AJ for getting around! nye16
nye17 nye18
nye19 Hypocrisy aside, why does WWE think that pasting someone’s head onto another person’s body is so doggone gut-bustingly funny? And who is actually amused by any kind of over-used photo gag?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude. mmr
nye20 Just in case all these gags were too high-brow for the audience, John said he would top off the ceremony with that one thing that Dolph and AJ were full of. No, it wasn’t “hot air.” It was…
Melted ice cream! nye21
nye22 No, excuse me. It was fecal matter! At least I think so, although the announcers never identified the mystery substance.
This was a pretty big overreaction by Cena, don’t you think? The heels cost him a match and insulted him, so he dropped crap on them? How has every other heel who got on John Cena’s bad side managed to avoid this fate?
nye23

(Barbecue sauce, no, but poop, yes)

nye24 And it’s not like there were any hints dropped along the way that the night might end in a poop shower; there were no ironic comments made leading up to a poetic justice of stool. Would it have been so hard for AJ and Dolph to call Cena’s 2012, “crappy”? Or to promise that there would be no party-poopers at their New Years’ toast? Or to claim that John’s career was going down the toilet? Frankly, the build-up for the big scat drop stunk. (If it had been JBL doing the toast, at least the “poopy” part would have made sense)
Give Cena credit, though. He had access to a giant trough of solid waste secretly suspended above the ring, but he had patience enough to wait until the end of a three-hour Raw to pull the trigger (not that there are actual guns that fire poop, so excuse the metaphor), even letting the heels cut a ten-minute long promo on him. Now that’s discipline! If I had the same power of crap, I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes into the program without using it.
nye25

(Although I would have had to convince the Miz to hold his talk show segment in the middle of the ring.)

nye26 This being the PG era, WWE would never say what exactly it was that dropped on AJ and Dolph, other than a “smelly mess.” So it could have been ice cream after all. Expired ice cream, at least.
This lack of commitment to the feces was the least of the problems with this dropping of droppings, though. At least the previous load of excrement dumped on Dolph Ziggler had texture to it, even if WWE slightly overdid it with the corn. Whoever or whatever made the mess this time must have had a diet very low in fiber. Clearly, this being the last show of the year, WWE had already used up their special effects budget. nye27
nye28 Maybe the most frustrating part of this whole segment was that no one bothered to explain where this feces — excuse me, smelly mess — came from. Superstars from years past have offered up their guesses as to the dung’s origin, but still, no one knows what animal produced this load, nor how Cena got ahold of it.

 

The source of the waste may have remained a mystery, but one thing was for sure: this latest poop stunt was complete and utter…

nye29

…garbage.

What did you think I was going to call it?

Written by

A wrestling fan ever since the days of Wrestlemania IX, Art graduated from college in the same building where Art Donovan called King of the Ring 1994. He currently runs the "How Much Does This Guy Weigh?" blog, where he reviews New Generation-Era Monday Night Raws and Hasbro WWF figures. Email at: art@wrestlecrap.com
31 Responses to "Induction: The WWE New Year’s Eve Toast: AJ and Dolph are Poopy"
  1. Sean Bateman says:

    Man Mountian Rock makes an appearance and no Oxford Kama? The hell, Art!

  2. Scrooge McSuck says:

    WWE’s obsession with feces will keep Wrestlecrap breathing forever! Loved the unexpected Man Mountain Rock appearance. I was too busy enjoying the entire induction (and Troy McClure reference!) to anticipate it coming.

  3. RD Reynolds says:

    I will forever refer to that man henceforth as Big Sis Langston.

    • RD Reynolds says:

      I’d like to think the pair played with matching My Little Ponies:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYKaHKd8Ov0

  4. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    BRILLIANT use of Man Mountain Rock, Art.

  5. Sir Thomas says:

    “Fell flatter than a Nikki Bella dropkick” *lol*

  6. Down With OPC says:

    What, no Cleveland Steamer reference?

  7. Raven7309 says:

    Hillbilly Jim, Matilda, the Bushwackers, Mr. Fuji, and Jamieson??!! :O
    Is AJ a Highlander or Time Lord??! WTF??!!

  8. Peter Dawson says:

    But who will look after all of AJ’s terribly photoshopped children?! Maybe a Shih Tzu…

  9. John says:

    It would be so great if someone would release actual footage of Vince in a writer’s meeting.
    “We need to have more poop on the show that’ll get us back our old ratings. Poop is so damn funny!!!!!! HA!!!! HAAAAAAAA! HAAAAA!!!!!!! HA! Poop!!!!!!!!” I’m sure my anus-related obsession has nothing to do with my mother giving me enemas everyday until I was 17. It’s perfectly natural for a mother to love her son that much.”

    • Wally says:

      AJ Lee looks really good in that tux.

    • The Adamantium Elbow says:

      What do you want to bet the whole thing happened because some balding middle aged former nickleodeon writer in creative said “What about poop?, Kids love poop.” Another one chimed in with “Ooooh oooh and photoshop gags, those never get old!” Vince replied “Brilliant! John Cena doing poop jokes and photoshop jokes it is. Now any idea about what we can do with these midcard guys like Damien Sandow, Zack Ryder, and Kofi Kingston?” Everybody drew blanks then Vince busted out laughing “Bwahahaha! Just kidding, nobody cares about them!” Then they all laughed and cupped Vince’s balls.

  10. NightmareNear says:

    Garbage Day!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7gIpuIVE3k

  11. Anonymous says:

    “One thing you might have missed was that AJ didn’t actually drink her glass of champagne. This was either because she was too young to drink grown-up drinks, or she had already started to GTS with CM Punk.”

    I actually don’t watch much wrestling these days, so I didn’t get this reference at all. Anyone care to explain the “GTS with CM Punk” part?

  12. The Scanian Maniac says:

    Didn’t know an almost 40 year old Kendra Lust cost John Cena his marriage. Came to think of what Al Bundy said, when his son dated a 40 year old: ” It’s still not right. Son, you got plenty of time to date 40-year-old women when you’re 70, no wait, make that uh hmmm 35 when you’re 80, yeah feels more right to me. ” :-)

  13. John Darc says:

    Oh wow, this induction was damn recent. How soon till you’re just inducting Los Matadores?

  14. Ewa Beach Boy says:

    So according to WWE, when smelly stuff starts dropping on you from above instead of running away from where it’s dropping you should reposition yourself directly in the center of the drop zone so more of it hits you. (Watch the gif of when the smelly stuff first starts falling beside the line “Melted Ice Cream” above, Dolph and AJ step forward so they can be right in the middle of the drop zone)

    I can only suspend reality so much WWE!!!

    • Jugs says:

      That’s still not as bad as WCW’s falling blood angle where on two occasions the blood was positioned incorrectly and missed its target (the second time, Nash had two move a good two feet to get a little bit of it on his shoulder to try and save the angle). At least with the crap it was just a throwaway one-week thing for a quick laugh with the kids, whereas the blood in WCW was supposed to be a proper dramatic device involved in big angles.

  15. Jugs says:

    To be fair to Cena, I think even he knows these angles are stupid and he’d rather be doing something more teen-targeted. I remember him saying something about Miz having irritable bowel syndrome and following it up by saying it was PG and he’s doing the best he can.

    Also, what was the other good Laurinitis match?

  16. MSX says:

    You know what’s great about this? Think about the logistics. Cena was invited to show up to Dolph’s celebration, and immediately must have called up his Poop Guy – because Cena apparently has a Poop Guy – told him to collect a bunch of shit, and haul a tank into the rafters without anybody noticing. Whose poop was it, anyway? His? Has he collected it for just such an occasion? What’s even weirder is that he had someone trigger it, which means someone in WWE allowed one of their employees to dump gallons of hazardous fecal matter on two other employees without repercussions.

    What a strange world, the WWE Universe.

  17. Felicity says:

    My comedy philosophy is that the word “poo” is funny, and talking about poo is funny, but the actual substance is not funny.

leave a comment