Headlies: Kevin Owens Awarded The Presidential Medal Of Freedom For Stunning Logan Paul

2 Submitted by on Mon, 19 April 2021, 08:00

Washington, DC – WWE Superstar Kevin Owens was awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom this weekend in a ceremony at the White House. Officials noted Owens’ Stunner on Youtuber Logan Paul as the main reason for receiving the highest civilian award of the United States.

Paul, most famous for being a ghoulish jerk and having an extremely punchable face, appeared at Wrestlemania last week in Sami Zayn’s corner. Owens and Zayn battled valiantly with Owens coming out on top. Following the match, Paul shoved Zayn and tried to raise Owens’ hand. The thought of being touched by Paul was too great for Owens who immediately delivered a devastating Stunner to the joy of millions watching.

While past recipients include civil rights activists, athletes, and politicians, this marks the first time a professional wrestler has received the honor. This also marks the first time a civilian has won the award for assaulting another civilian.

“Kevin, you went above and beyond stunning that little punk,” said President Joe Biden, placing the medal around Owens’ neck. “You have done the United States and the world a great service by cutting through the malarkey. You succinctly put a stop to the terror known as Logan Paul. Though he still remains to make Youtube videos and have freakshow boxing matches, the American people can sleep safely tonight. For that, we owe you our immense gratitude and our deepest thanks. Therefore, I award you the Presidential Medal Of Freedom.”

“Thank, you Mr. President,” said Owens, decked out in a suit with the sleeves cut off. “Y’know, I didn’t set out to win any awards. I just did what was right. Sometimes a man just has to step up and Stun an annoying little weasel. I’m proud that I could have positively affected so many lives with such a simple action.”

“Kevin, I don’t use the word ‘hero’ very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history,” said Biden to the Canadian-born wrestler.

“Woohoo!” cheered Owens.

When asked after the ceremony of his next plans, Owens offered, “Well, Summerslam is a few months away. I have a feeling Logan’s brother, Jake, could use a Stunner too. Maybe I will add the Congressional Gold Medal to my collection too.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
2 Responses to "Headlies: Kevin Owens Awarded The Presidential Medal Of Freedom For Stunning Logan Paul"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Rumours are abound that WWE are looking into having James Corden and Russell Brand appear at future events. “The thought of two of the unfunniest people of all-time being put through a table or thrown off a steel cage has tremendous appeal,” said a WWE insider, “naturally Vince has no idea who either is so the plan is to leave them in his company for five minutes and he’ll be keen as anything to see them destroyed. If all goes well it could restore a lot of faith in the WWE.”

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Owens wasn’t the only one praised by the President, “Corey Graves and Michael Cole displayed complete bewilderment at the ‘mystery man’ who interfered during the Intercontinental Title match. They failed to recognise Dabba Kato of RAW Underground non-fame which means they have either cleansed their memories of RAW Underground or the didn’t watch. Either way they must be commended on taking the appropriate action.”

    Speaking of RAW Underground, Biden was pretty scornful of one WWE Superstar

    “Braun Strowman really let himself down during his feud with Shane McMahon.Why did he not point out that the person behind RAW Underground had no right to call anybody stupid? He could have then mentioned Shane’s other stupid moments like leading WCW during the Invasion or his fruitless battles with his father or throwing himself off the Hell in the Cell or Shane’s feuds with Kane or the time he and his father feuded with DX. When it comes down to it Shane’s pretty stupid and Braun failed to bring this up.”

    However, the president ended on another positive note or two. “I was so glad Titus O’Neill didn’t try to lull Hulk Hogan into performing a duet of “Ebony and Ivory”. The Hulkster being the man he is would have had to perform much to everyone’s enjoyment but a humble man like Hogan would never wish to steal the spotlight – in fact, I believe he fought ALL his natural instincts and prevented himself from storming to the ring after the Universal Title Match.”

    “Hulk would have been incensed by the outcome, a lesser man would have gone down to the ring to protest before accepting an impromptu title match from the champion. He would have avoided Jey Uso’s superkick which would have floored Roman and after hurling Jey out of the ring Hulk would have dropped the leg for the 1-2-3. But thankfully, Hulk isn’t that kind of man and would NEVER do such a thing.”

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