Giant Gonzalez Handicap Match

Giant Gonzalez

WWF, 1993

You wouldn’t think perennially mocked and multiple time inducted Giant Gonzalez would show up for a SQUASH of the Week, but this one is pretty good. Not good in the “this is a good match” sense of the word of course, but good in the “this is entertaining in the same way that train went flying off the tracks and straight into the ravine near the end of Back to the Future III” sense of the word.

Today Gonzalez isn’t taking on one foe, not two, but three, one of which is long-time favorite Louie Spicolli. He is joined by Dan Farren and the guy who played Chachi on Happy Days and then put on quite a bit of weight. Oh wait, BAZO, not BAIO. My bad.

Gonzales comes down to the ring walking as if he’s Frankenstein’s monster. You know those stories of Cornette running Ohio Valley and forcing guys to watch hours of footage of wrestling for twenty years back? Here I imagine Vince giving the big guy some classic Universal flicks instead. “See this guy? His name is Boris Karloff. I am going to make you the NEW Boris Karloff!!”

Open seeing this creature get in the ring, the jobber trio drops to the floor to determine who is going to go first. Even the permy hair fan seems confused by what she sees.

Gonzales decides Spicolli is going to start and reaches over the ropes brings poor Louie in. I love how his hand in the air and looks at the camera, almost smiling prior to locking on the choke. I know I’ve seen a video game where that exact sequence is done, but sadly cannot put my finger on what one it was. Someone tell me in the (new and hopefully improved) comments section below.

A big chokeslam follows as the other jobbers head for the hills. That’s not me being facetious – they literally ran out of the building to not be seen again. Even Louie rolls out of the ring to take off as well. That’s right – Gonzalez doesn’t win this by pinfall, he wins it by countout!

But hey, a win’s a win, right? I know I end a lot of these columns end with “we’ll be seeing this guy again ’round these parts”, but pretty sure this WILL be the only time you see Giant Gonzalez as part of a SQUASH of the Week. That’s good – I can only handle so much airbrushed muscles and carpet remnant fur.

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