Impossible to believe I’ve been doing this silly column for years and have yet to feature one of my favorite people in all of wrestling!
No no, not you, Rick Rude. I’m talking instead about the Splendid Gem of Professional Wrestling himself…
“DIAMOND” DAN GARZA!
I seriously cannot say enough positive things about this man, who I am very blessed to be able to call my friend. Especially after I, along with my other friend Casey, booked his promotion into utter oblivion with top shelf angles like turning Kamala Jr. into a comedian from Hawaii (“I just flew in and boy is my arms tired!”) and of course my crew, the Cannonballers, who looked to take over the arena and turn it into an Indiana franchisee of the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater. I’m not making these up, these things literally played out on Pro Wrestling International’s weekly television show. Despite our buffoonery, we are still friends to this day so I’ve decided to honor Dan by showcasing a WCW bout wherein he took on none other than Rick Rude.
Rude of course comes out and immediately dismisses the crowd: “What I’d like to have right now is for all you fat, out of shape, sleazy, slimy, scumbags keep the noise down while I take off my robe and show the world what a real champion looks like!” Boo on it being so generic (I was always an “Indianapolis idiot” to you Rick!), but yay on Paul Heyman being behind Rude laughing like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard in his entire life.
So the match starts and poor Dan doesn’t even get a chyron. That should tell you everything you need to know about what a rinky dink company WCW truly was – you get a star of Diamond Dan’s magnitude, you put his name up in lights! Unacceptable. Also unacceptable would be my man just getting pummeled into oblivion, followed up by a hip swivel right over his body as it writhed in pain. Come on Dan! We believe in you!
Rude continues to attack, from behind I should note, like a complete coward. Having used every shortcut in the book, the Ravishing One picks poor Dan up and gives him an over the knee back breaker. Woof.
A forearm shiver knocks Mr. HOTT down once more, and he is KO’ed or the three count with a Rude Awakening neckbreaker. Not only was Dan pinned, he was pinned with Rick’s elbow right in his crotch. That is indeed Rude.
But don’t feel too bad – after all he was spotlighted in Castrol Motor Oil’s High Performance of the Week! Not sure if that’s better or worse than being in the SQUASH of the Week. One thing I am sure of is that Dan is a great, great man…and here’s his behind the scenes report: “That match was taped in Topeka Kansas. Not sure if Blade was in the crowd or not. I thought he said he was once but I may be mistaken. Rip Rogers was in Germany so he sent me to the tapings and I took Doug Roberts and Bubba Howard with me. I wrestled Cactus Jack earlier in the night for one of the tapings and they were taping the next week’s show the same night. I’m not sure why they there was a change but they needed someone to work Rude so they picked me. It was fairly quick so I didn’t have a chance to talk to Rude before the match and actually didn’t talk to him afterwards. The announcers didn’t even have my name because of the quick change. I received $75 for the extra match on top of what got for wrestling Cactus ($150) plus trans. The funny part (not for them) was that I wrestled twice and while it was an easy night for me, not so much for my friends, as Doug was pulverized by Vader and Bubba got waylaid by Rick Steiner!”