Havoc Unleashed Wrestling Ring

Two for the price of one here on Wrestlecrap this week, as I encountered one hideous item at a local discount store (Big Lots) this week.

We all know Ashley’s Playboy issue is soon to be on sale, as she follows in the footsteps of a handful of past Divas who spread their ‘tang to the delight of 13 year-olds everywhere. But, has Vince ever thought about the female demographic? Sure, Shawn Micheals had his PG-13 spread in Playgirl a decade ago, but since then, the ladies have come up short on the smutty side of things. Horny female crappers, weep no longer. Wanna see a jakked up WWE hoss naked? Just head on down to the local dollar store, and pick up this week’s item. The package looks normal on the front, but turn it over and BOIIIIIIING…

… a shot of Jakks’ new Full Frontal Nudity Dave Batista action figure. Unfortunately for Dave, it looks like someone put his head on the body of the John Wayne Bobbit action figure. Rebecca DiPietro’s gonna need a LOT of batteries in her lifetime if the real Dave is dickless like this shot indicates.

Nudity aside, let’s take a look at the real item, which is so f’n cheap, it doesn’t even come in a box. Instead, it’s packaged and taped up in what appears to be WWE giftwrap.

Since I spent a few bucks at the dollar store (all for the sake of a Batista dick joke, mind you), I might as well open this package up and set up this ring. A ring which happens to be the WORST WRESTLING TOY OF ALL TIME. I can forgive the cheaply made plastic parts. I can accept the cardboard, yes cardboard, ring mat. Hell, I can even go along with the lack of a BOX.

But when it came time to put the ring ropes on, I was a little befuddled when I read the instructions…

Great instructions. Do the makers of this ring assume every wrestling fan is also a card carrying, knot-tying Eagle Scout? Nice. A $3.00 wrestling ring is now gonna cost me about $20.00 to set up, cause I’m gonna have to go put a gallon of gas in my truck, and go to Barnes & Noble to pick up The Survivalist’s Guide To Tying Knots. Ah, the hell with it…

At least I know what to turn to if I need an emergency set of shoestrings.

What a crappy product. Who’s the winner in all this?

Certainly not a kid who receives a toy wrestling ring that is crappier than the crappiest indy fed ring of all time.

Most definitely not the women out there, whose only bit of male WWE nudity since the last millennium comes in the form of a wang-less Batista.

No, the winner is me. Just take a look at the gift-wrap I get to use when I give my little cousin a dvd for his birthday.

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