From the Pages Of…The Childhood of THE UNDERTAKER – with the Greatest Swerve EVER!

4 Submitted by on Sun, 25 September 2022, 08:00

WWF Magazine, May 1995

You think I am going to see “The Undertaker: His Childhood Revealed” on the cover of a 1995 WWF Magazine and NOT cover it on the site? I mean seriously, this might be the single greatest article in the history of the civilized world.

“UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and Big Foot. Those mysteries are nothing but four-piece Fisher-Price jigsaw puzzles compared to the mystery of the Undertaker!”

This prose is the stuff dreams are truly made of.

Our intrepid journalist tells us that he has traveled all the way to Death Valley USA, population 652, to seek information on the early days of the Undertaker. We learn that little ‘take was a student at Death Valley Public School 109. I cannot be the only one to wonder what the school mascot was, right?

We also learn that Mrs. Alice Faye was the Reaper’s second grade teacher, and she queries “How could I ever forget ‘Mysterious Mark’?”

Apparently no one taught this lady any lessons in kayfabe!

We also learn that young Mark didn’t ride the bus, but rather came to school in a hearse. Also, he greeted Principal Young each morning with a “Rest in Peace.” Also, he brought a special treat of burnt cupcakes to his kindergarten class on the very first day of school. Better yet, as he got older, he brought the urn with him to school and drank Yoo Hoo.

This verbiage is fantastic.

Who on earth could have written it?

You guessed it – it’s your friend and mine Vince Russo!

And are you ready for the swerve ending?

The kid you see here? That’s not just some random kid at Halloween. And no, it’s not the Undertaker’s childhood photos.

That is actually Vince Russo’s son Will!

Obviously, Russo and I are buddies now, but even his HARSHEST critic has to recognize the greatness on display here!

If you want even more fun with Russo and myself, check out our weekly show, Joker’s Mustache, where we go through every single episode of the classic 1966 Batman TV show one by one! All the fun is available over at Channel Attitude!

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4 Responses to "From the Pages Of…The Childhood of THE UNDERTAKER – with the Greatest Swerve EVER!"
  1. Al Boondy says:

    “That is actually Vince Russo’s son Will!”

    Dumb question … but the way those last paragraphs were written, it makes it sound like (instead of Russo letting you in that they used his son for the photoshoot) the kayfabe article reveals at the end that the author had his son pose for those photos – instead of acting like he found a cache of the Undertaker’s childhood photos.

  2. Chris KL-99 says:

    Poor, Mark Taker. He seemed like such a happy child in those photos back before he decided to burn down his home in order to kill his parents and brother.

    Death Valley is cold? I guess he must have lived in a different Death Valley.

    I never expected to see a reference to Mighty Morphin Power Rangers alongside writing about the Undertaker. How could you not mention that? It seems to imply that had “Mysterious Mark” been born a few decades later, he would have been sitting in front of the television watching that show.

  3. Thomas Mossman says:

    I like the obvious use of old-time celebrity names for the teacher and principal, old enough that any kid who would read the article wouldn’t realize it.

  4. C Boz says:

    Young Mark, er, Will looks a lot like Jack White circa 2001.

    And I wonder what goes on in those other 108 public schools in Death Valley.

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