The summer of 2002 will long be remembered as the moment two men stepped into the ring in front of the whole world to duke it out. Mano a mano, we would see who the real man was. One man was short and stocky, and rumored to be immovable. The other – taller, leaner, perhaps the better athlete, but still untested. You may think I’m referring to the long awaited Mike Tyson vs. Lennox Lewis showdown. Ha, give me a break. I didn’t want to pay $54.95 see those jokers on PPV. Thanks to TNA, I got to see the real fight of the year for only a fraction of the cost. While Rocky Marciano rolls over in his grave, let’s all take a look back at the gloved antics of this week’s JOTW, Tiny, the TNA Timekeeper.
The early days of TNA were filled with all kinds of bumpkin-mentality celebrity guests. What better way to water down their groundbreaking X-Division, than by having a bunch of country singers and Nascar drivers wondering around in the mix. If the sight of Ron Killings being physically equalled, taken to the limit, and eventually LOSING to 175 pound Nascar driver Hermie Sadler wasn’t bad enough for you, out walked this guy.
Yep kiddies, it’s Screech from NBC’s Saved By The Bell. Immediately I smelled something rotten, because celebrities in wrestling mean only one of two things. A) Eric Bischoff brings them in so he has an excuse to be “cool” and hang out with them, or B) the celebrity is there to shill his current project. The fact that Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s only current project of any note involved his overdue dirty laundry and a bottle of Tide, I began to get really concerned about what was gonna unfold. Once on camera and on the mic, I noticed a bit of attitude from our old Saturday morning dork. Perhaps he thought his new goatee made him tough. Maybe e was pissed at the world because someone stole his spank-material copy of former castmate Elizabeth Berkley in the classic Showgirls. Whatever the reason, he started to pick on the only man in the world smaller and nerdier than he was, Jeremy Borash. Screech said the only man he would consider taking on in the ring was TNA’s own walking-penis with a mic, Mr. Borash. Punked out and being a total wimp, Jeremy tried to lure Don West into the ring to take on Screech in a boxing match. West, a wussy in his own right, quickly pawned the challenge off to the man sitting to his right, the timekeeper known as Tiny. With the spotlight on him for the first time, Tiny reluctantly accepted. It was on!!
Hagler- Leonard, Ali-Foreman, Butterbean-Gunn, move over. This savage showdown was set to make the WWF’s Brawl-For-All look like an ordinary evening of bridge at the Stunt Granny’s nursing home.
Before we go ringside, let’s look at both fighters. First, we have Screech. He’s coming in at a lean, lanky 5’10”, 170 pounds. While being outweighed, he does have the edge in experience, as he is fresh off of a 2nd round KO of fellow jackoff, Welcome Back Kotter’s Horshack, in one of those hokey “celebrity boxing” shows. Tiny the Timekeeper, well, he’s a bit of a mystery. Weighing in at 310 pounds on a 5′ ‘7″ frame, he looks like he’s gonna need a quick KO, as his stamina is questionable. The only physical activity on his resume was an in-ring attack on him by James Mitchell’s Disciples, in which his man-puppies were exposed. Perhaps Tiny’s only edge in that of cornermen. While Screech is going it alone, Tiny has the spiritual guiding of Don West. Whether surrounded by thugs in a dark alley, or in a baseball card shop in search of true gem-mint Barry Bonds rookies, you can count on West to get you though life struggles.
My prediction – Despite the physical mismatch, I’m taking Screech by a tough 3rd round decision.
As we head down to ringside, it appears Jeremy Borash has signed on to be Tiny’s coach. The odds in Vegas appear to shift a little in Tiny’s favor. The electricity in in the air as the bell rings to start this not-really-long awaited matchup, scheduled for 3 one-minute rounds. Both boxers appear to be patient and want to take time to feel each other out. Fifteen seconds go by, and then Tiny charges in like a bull for the first punch of the fight.
Ohhh, he misses with a big overhand right haymaker. Screech counters with a crunching bodyshot.
A vicious Joe Frazier-like left hook to the side of Tiny’s head follows. Tiny’s on queer street!!!!
Tiny appears to be out on his feet. He still has to last 40 seconds to make it to round two. Ohhhhh, a vicious right hook from Screech.
DOWN GOES TINY!!!
DOWN GOES TINY!!!
DOWN GOES TINY!!!
Motionless on the canvas, he’s not gonna beat the count. It’s all over!!! The winner, at :43 seconds in the first round – Screech.
Poor Tiny, he never stood a chance. After this horrendous showing, he returned back to his much safer spot at ringside, ringing the bell. Over the course of the next few years, he would step back into the TNA ring from time to time, most notably to give Kid Kash and Don Callis grief. Granted, he does a damn good job of ringing the bell, but it’s gonna take nothing less than a total squash of AJ Styles in a X-Division match to redeem himself from his boxing antics.
Screech thankfully, has never been seen on a wrestling show again. His dismantling of Tiny of did do one other thing of note, however. It moved the Saved By The Bell stars’ wrestling record to a perfect 2-0. Fellow Bell co-star Mario “AC Slater” Lopez, pretty much made Val Venis look like a bitch when they tangled on an episode of Sunday Night Heat in 1998. I honestly think these Bell guys can’t be stopped in the wrestling ring. They are impeccable in the squared circle. A virtual machine ofperfection. Therefore, for the love of the sport, for the future of all we cherish, only one man can save us. He can bring right to that which has gone wrong.
Triple H beware………Zach Morris is coming for you.
Now go and have Stephanie change those shorts you just spoiled.