Last year, the world was subjected to the wrestling horror that was known as Muhammed Hassan : Evil American Terrorist. While the sight of Hassan and his group of masked thugs was enough to offend millions of people, make national newspaper headlines, and eventually make it on the list of Gooker Award nominees, he seemed to lack that crappy ummmph that is required to take the prized trophy home. Perhaps Hassan would’ve been wise to pick up a few terrifying tactics by studying this week’s incredibly ridiculous Jobber Of The Week. An evil jobber so lame, his shit-tastic first appearance sent normally mild-mannered announcer Jim Ross into the depths of a binge-eating, alcoholic hell.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man who puts the “-ist” in the word “terrorist” (provided you add an “h” and shift the “i” down a couple spaces) – the oh-so-generically named Terrorist.
The scene was Clash Of The Champions VII, held in Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Taking place on an Army base, the venue was packed with thousands of rabid soldiers ready to see some quality wrestling action. What they got instead, was this…
…the Black Scorpion dressed up in his G.I. Joe Halloween costume?!?! No, it could only be the dastardly Terrorist. I wonder what the United States Homeland Security thinks of this new menace? Should they issue a Code Red or Code Yellow danger alert, perhaps? Well, judging by his goof’s chubby physique and overall crappiness, I think instituting a new Wrestlecrap-inspired Code Brown terror alert might be more appropriate.
With a masked evildoer on the loose at Fort Bragg, the USA needed an All-American hero to come and save the day. What patriotic superstar would answer the call to glory?
Nah….who needs those overhyped, big time superstars. For a foe as pathetic as the Terrorist, I think I know just the military man qualified to stop him. Your friend and mine…
Lover of small animals…
Aluminum can recycler…
The one, the only….
Oh boy. This matchup looks hideous on paper. How was it in reality? Well, let me put it to you this way. If this horrible match borrowed three stars from Steamboat-Savage at WrestleMania III, it’d still be in the negative star range. If you don’t believe me how bad it was, believe good ‘ol Jim Ross. Totally depressed and downtrodden by having to commentate this oncoming s#itstorm, J.R. loses all self-control and begs for his only salvation….ALCOHOL!!!!!!
And Domino’s Pizza too?!? Damnit Jim, you’re an announcer…not an overweight, alcoholic fratboy!!! Thankfully, before J.R. had a chance to commence his new carb-loaded, Tammy Sytch-tested dieting lifestyle, Ranger Ross put him at ease. In barely over a minute, Ranger would put the Terrorist to sleep with his sloppy looking finisher – the Shawn Michaels’ Sweet Chin Music wannabe – the patented Ranger Ross Combat Kick!!!
Yikes…that looks like Sour Chin Music to me. A three-count later, and Ranger Ross officially put an end to the Terrorist’s brief 90 seconds of mayhem. Who was that masked man? Why it was none other than WCW’s resident Clash Of Champions part-time Parts Unknown masked-man, Jack Victory. Besides his stint as the Terrorist, the underrated Victory would also don the hood for a few other Clashes, under the aliases the Blackmailer, and later the Super Destroyer.
In closing, well…the Terrorist sucked. His midcarding rival, Ranger Ross sucked. Their match sucked. Hell, even this Jobber Of The Week write-up about the Terrorist sucked. A hilarious, knee-slapping joke to wrap this column up is useless at this point. Only two things can salvage this entire mess now….
Thanks for the advice Jim!!!!!
– Jim Ross (with audio quality that makes him sound like he’s a newscaster at the Hindenburg disaster): “This is real America right here…I’d like to be home having a Coor’s Light and a big slice of Domino’s Pizza right now! A Coor’s Light would take awfully good! And the Terrorist is trying to make short work of Ranger Ross!”