It’s Halloween time at WrestleCrap.com, which means but one thing – time for another goofy costume contest with the lady folk of the squared circle! You’d think after 25 years of this site’s existence (and the fact I do one of these seemingly every year!) I’d start running out of ’em, but not yet. So grab a handful of Kit Kats (I suggest Ghost Toast!) and let’s venture back to the SmackDown just before Halloween in 2010 to see what lunacy awaits.
And who should be here to greet us but General Manager Teddy Long and his cohort, our old pal Hornswoggle! If you didn’t live through the Teddy Long era of SmackDown, man did you miss out (on a very repetitive era of professional wrestling). Every single week you could count on a near brawl breaking out, then Teddy looking around at everyone, then telling us all we were about to get a…well, if you were there, you are already reciting it. Probably with a loud “PLAYA!” at the end.
Let’s meet our costume contest contestants! First up would be the Bella Twins as Batman and Robin. As this is before Nikki went under the knife to get her own “dynamic duo”, it’s actually pretty hard to tell them apart. My gut tells me Brie is playing Robin here, but I could be totally wrong there. One thing I am not mistaken about is the fact that Swoggle is absolutely smitten with the pair. I should also note that the commentary team of Michael Cole, Todd Grisham, and Matt Striker are here to provide every horndog quip you can imagine, kicking off with Striker telling us “I’d like to spend a dark night with her…that Robin can make a boy wonder!” WrestleCrap Radio crickets, wherefore art thou?
Alicia Fox comes out as Cleopatra, and she does the bootiest wop ever booty wopped. Like holy cow, it legit looks like she’d throw her hip out sashaying down to the ring like that.
The girl with one of the stupidest names in WWE history, Kelly Kelly, comes out next dressed up as Little Bo Peep. Striker asks if they can call Tony Garea to get a good deal on some sheep. I guess the joke there is because he’s from New Zealand? If it’s something else, please keep me forever uninformed.
Rosa Mendes joins next, and she is a Leprechaun. I was going to say how dumb it was that a girl from Puerto Rico decided to be a leprechaun, but a bit of research reveals she is actually from Canada. So allow me to make a correction and say how dumb it is a girl from Canada decided to be a leprechaun instead.
The Amazing Spider-Woman (alter ego: Melina) swings in as Michael Cole laughs about how stupid this is as there’s never been a character known as Spider-Woman. Striker quickly corrects him, and asks if Cole has ever read a comic book. Cole, completely flustered, exclaims, “NO! I READ NOVELS!!!!” Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely hate Michael Cole? He’s the dirt worst.
Finally, we get Beyonce and Lady Gaga, aka Layla and Michelle McCool, the WWE Co-Divas Champions. Yes kids, these two women once shared a singles title. It was somehow even dumber than it sounds, and that belt wound up in our top ten list of worst belts ever. All that said, you can tell Layla is doing everything possible to make this work. It’s a shame she has been so forgotten while the other member of the team, who doesn’t have 1/100000000th of her charisma, is somehow a WWE Hall of Famer.
So Melina is done with these two yakking it up and decides to take matters into her own hands, which leads to Horny (seriously, that’s what Teddy called him) pulling out guns (!!!) and more importantly, a near brawl breaking out. And when that happens on a Teddy Long Smackdown, you know what that means. Say it with me, you know you want to:
TIME FOR A TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA!
Yep, we’re not going to let the fans vote for who has the best costume, instead the girls will fight! Or in the case of Layla, do the wackiest dances in high heels before having her head knocked off with a Bat clothesline. I want you to keep in mind Layla was an actual dancer (and Miami Heat cheerleader) prior to joining WWE, so it’s not like she can’t dance well, she simply chooses NOT to so she can help get this idiotic thing over. I’ve been watching this GIF for five minutes straight and I laugh harder every time it loops. Oh how I love the Deever. SHE IS THE BEST.
Alicia Fox and one of the Bellas tag in next and botchery abounds. Like no idea what Melina was going for there, but it’s clear that she and Alicia were on totally different pages, maybe even different books (likely NOVELS that Michael Cole reads).
They kinda sorta get it back together as Melina does some goofy rolling around, then doing the splits into a wacky armdrag. I don’t remember a lot about Melina, but I do remember she really, REALLY liked to do the splits. I mean you must love them when you incorporate ’em into your offense arsenal, right?
Kelly Bo Peep gets in the ring to tie it up with the Canuck Leprechaun, hitting her with a rude awakening style neckbreaker. This causes everyone to come flying in and then immediately go flying right back out of the ring as Striker blurts out, “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat” like he’s the coolest guy around.
Seeing Rosa isolated in the ring, Kelly hits her with a fame asser and gets the pin (but not before giving us the most gratuitous panty shot you ever did see). Which apparently means she had the best costume of the year or something.
Or maybe they all four did, I dunno. The one thing I do know is that I hope each and every one of you reading this has a great Halloween!!!